UnNews:Clinton picks new U.S. envoy to Afghanistan, Pakistan
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 February 2011
WASHINGTON D.C. -- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has chosen retired CTU agent and badass extraordinaire, Kiefer Sutherland to replace the late Richard Holbrooke as the United States special envoy to Afghanistan and Pakistan, a senior administration official said on Monday.
The appointment will be announced later this week, the official, John Doe, said, speaking on condition of notoriety. Clinton is due to make a speech on Afghanistan and Pakistan at the Asia Society in New York on Friday.
The position has been vacant since Holbrooke, a veteran diplomatic troublemaker and archenemy of Sutherland, died suddenly in December. Holbrooke's death was officially ruled a suicide resulting from self-inflicted strangulation and multiple gunshot wounds to the heart.
The Washington Post, which first reported Clinton's choice, said the Secretary of State met with Sutherland at the State Department on Monday and expects to announce his appointment during her speech on Friday, if not sooner.
The new special envoy to Afghanistan and Pakistan would take over as President Barack Obama's administration faces a crucial year in its strategy for the troubled region, including a total U.S. troop withdrawal due to begin in July, with the entire armed forces to be replaced by the force of one Kiefer Sutherland. Acting under his Jack Bauer operational cover, Sutherland has hinted that his first act would be to demand the immediate surrender of Osama bin Laden - dead or alive - without any reward apart from keeping one's life.
Sutherland, who previously served the government under the codename of federal agent Jack Bauer, was the former torture master and legal death machine with LA's Counter Terrorist Unit. He retired in 2009 after eight seasons, during which period he saved the world and arose from the dead - repeatedly. He is considered a perfect choice for President Obama because he has already faithfully served two African-American presidents and one female president during previous administrations.
According to the official, Clinton and all insiders in Washington were excited about the new appointment. “He doesn’t use toilet paper,” Doe told the media of Sutherland, “He uses terrorists.”
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- John Doe "Clinton picks new U.S. envoy to Afghanistan, Pakistan" Reuters, Feb 15, 2011