UnNews:CIA Agents Supplying Viagra to Afghan Warlords

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 December 2008

Kabul, Afghanistan (UnPI) -- According to confidential CIA sources, American agents in Afghanistan are pumping up more than Afghan national pride lately. In an effort to win the hearts, minds, and penises of the famously reticent warriors of this inhospitable nation, the CIA is handing out free sexual stimulants.

"My father, he make all six wifes be with baby in one night. He very satisfied with CIA viagra."

"You get an old guy, maybe in his 50s, maybe in his 60s, he's got three wives and he wants to do the dirty more than once a week. We hand him a dozen blue pills and say, 'OK man, now you can do it with all three in one night -- and have some left over for the sister-in-law, the neighbor's daughter, and the family goat.' They love it. They come back, they say 'My goat, she never been so happy before.'"

Moral Dichotomy?

But in Afghanistan the USA has been gently persuading the local farmers at gunpoint to give up farming opium poppies. How is it that Americans are setting themselves up as drug sources even while discouraging Afghans from producing drugs?

"Well, you have to understand the American mindset," said Gunter Modheirkut, a German intelligence analyst with bad teeth and a Beatles-era moptop. "In their view, whatever they do is by definition right and good. It's an ideological God complex, basically." And so, while poorer-than-dirt Afghan farmers are growing carrots and turnips and scraping by on a tenth of the money they could get growing poppies, the CIA is expanding its drug program by leaps and bounds.

"Yeah, you ought to see an Afghan mujahideen the first time he hits on a meth pipe," said our CIA source, insisting as usual on anonymity. "Crystal is going to be a big help to us in getting the warlords behind the American way of life. Once we get them well and truly tweaked they're ours forever, man."

Froggy Reservations

A few NATO commanders expressed doubts about the American role as drug pushers. "You get zees guys hopping up on cocaine, on PCP, on methamphetamine, they shoot at anything that moves," said General Jean-Louis Pouftier, commanding officer of the 3-man French contingent in Kabul. "They shoot cats, small children, tweety-birds, and also they shoot our own guys. Have you never seen the documentary Scarface? Sacre-bleu, I beg of the Americans, lay off the hard stuff!"

The Mexican Connection

Meanwhile, at the Kabul International airport the goods are pouring in. Cases of viagra as well as unmarked crates leaking white powder litter the customs area. Heavily armed couriers rush the matériel past inspection points. "You fock wit me, señor, I blow you focking head off," they call cheerily to the frustrated customs agents. "You don' wanna start nothing you is can't finish, cabrón," they say as they hustle the CIA drugs onto waiting trucks. "We from the cartel, baby, and we is taking over this piece-of-sheet country now."

Whether the CIA role as drug pushers in Afghanistan is successful, and whether their alliance with Mexican drug lords bears fruit, only time will tell. But one thing remains certain: the American intelligence community is staying true to form with regard to moral turpitude.

Sources

• "'Viagra lure' for Afghan warlords" BBC News, December 28, 2008