UnNews:Bulletproof vest inventor shot in face

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 June 2014

Kevlar was initially developed when Kwolek was looking for a more durable form of chewing gum.

Stephanie Kwolek, the woman who invented Kevlar, the material used in bulletproof vests, has been killed after being shot in the face.

Kwolek, aged 90, was shot right between the eyes by a lone gunman. She was found by police earlier this morning, wearing a customized Kevlar dress that hung from her shoulders down to her ankles, but unfortunately offered no protection from the fatal bullet.

Kwolek's murderer, who asked to remain anonymous, called UnNews to say, "I finally got that bitch, right between the eyes. BAM! Try stopping that, girl! You should have made yourself a goddamn Kevlar baseball cap!"

He went on to explain that he was part of a complex culture which values men who can kill other criminals and policemen, and that Kwolek's miracle material had seriously harmed his street cred.

Meanwhile, a friend of Kwolek said in a statement, "From the day she invented the first bulletproof vest, she knew she was going up against organized crime, and she became extremely paranoid about being executed. She insisted on always wearing bulletproof clothing - but she had an Achilles' heel, which in her case was her face.

"She did fashion a bulletproof headscarf in the 90s, but after 9/11, that proved more trouble that it was worth."

Sources

• Leverage, "Kevlar inventor Stephanie Kwolek dies" BBC, 25 October 2023