UnNews:British group boycotts American goods, protests government

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31 May 2007

LONDON, ENGLAND – A group of British citizens, tired of seeing influences of what they consider an inferior nation, is petitioning parliament to create a new law banning anything from the United States. The proposed law covers entertainment, food, people, clouds, and even everyday objects invented in the USA. The Rantribune has attempted to contact the group for comments, but true to their ideals, they have boycotted American inventions like the telephone, typewriter (which would be used to write a letter), Internet, or personal computer in general.

One member of the group, however, decided to walk and swim to the Rantribune’s Deerfield office (airplanes and modern automobiles having been invented in America) for an exclusive interview. The member, 64-year-old George Lincoln, explained that the group hopes to show that “the British Empire is much stronger than the United States” and that “the boycott will, if you’re really unlucky, destroy America’s economy.” On that note, he quoted the classic American film “Dirty Harry,” asking President Bush if “he feels lucky, punk.”

President Bush does indeed feel lucky, punk. In response to the growing influence of this group in Europe, the President announced, “If the British continue to boycott American inventions, we will boycott British inventions.” If that indeed becomes the course of action, Americans will be forced to live without trains, types of light bulbs that haven’t been used for over a century, lawn mowers, telecommunications, or Viagra.

“It’s just a matter of principal,” explains Lincoln. “Of course I have nothing against the average American factory worker. I don’t even know any American citizens; that’s not the point of this boycott. The point is that Americans are arrogant, terrible people and we need to show that we’re better than them. The British Empire rules the world!” Lincoln recognizes that the British Empire no longer exists as a true empire, having greatly deteriorated after the second world war (during which British forces lost much ground until backed up by their American allies), but he insists that once again, “That's not the point.”