UnNews:Battle lines drawn in AP U.S. class

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8 September 2006

Jimbo Collins is contemplating doing a great many bad things to geeks if they force him to actually do his work.

SPUMONI, California -- The intention of students to earn college credit at George Mason High School was cut on Thursday amid rowdy scenes over being forced to read The Federalist Papers and write a five-thousand word thesis on them. When order was restored by Junior Class President Hugo Liebowitz, instructor Mr. Ratliff agreed to flunk all of them who did not complete it.

With little more than a month before a 22 October deadline to turn in the exceedingly long essay, this contentious issue is threatening to derail many students chances of getting into already full UC colleges. The battle lines are complex, but it is the jock minority who fear that they could lose most. They feel they may be left with an F which would prevent them from staying on the football or basketball teams, thus destroying any chance for the notoriously slow-witted adolescents have of getting into a huge and ineffective state university, the only school which would even consider admitting the oafs.

Arguments over The Federalist Papers threatened to derail the whole process of listening to a sextogenarian reiterate his political biases for an hour every day in preparation for the AP test in May. The compromise that just kept jocks on board then was to delay discussion. But it could not be delayed for ever.

In class Jimbo Collins, a leading student in the mainly jock "Friday Night at Steve's" study group, said that his kegger pals had no disagreement with the principle of reading important historical documents as long they "do not have to actually read them or write an essay. I mean, everyone knows we'll just hide our nudey magazines in them anyways."

That is not what the Supreme Council for the Nintendo Wii has in mind. It is a Geek circle with strong links to the makers of Bawl's Energy Drink. Its leader, Jake Nerdovitch, wants to ensure writing of the essay will occur "to guarantee that I will get into the most prestigious private liberal-arts college possible." He said that a strong Geek region bringing together the nine desks south of Stephanie Gaber's was important "to stop us from getting swirlies."

The Supreme Council for the Nintendo Wii has its own World of Warcraft guild, the "1337 brigade," who have been fighting for influence with the other main Geek circle at school, the "Pwn Patrol," led by Harold Burton. This fight also extends to disagreements over essays. Burton wants to keep the class united and has found some common cause with leading jock groups in this. This is largely due to the fact that he does not particularly like swirlies.

The student government believes that about 21 kids have already dropped the class, in a process that has accelerated since the essay was announced on Wednesday. As students discuss the federal issue, they know as well as anybody the threat of large-scale swirlie-giving looming over their proceedings.

Some kind of rule allowing a jocks to abstain from doing their assignments is bound to emerge, since the so-called "student-athletes" are the only student the administrators actually care about, but the exact rules of the new way to get out of work is yet to be revealed. Several jocks have already claimed they have practice every day during class in an ineffective attempt to sluff.