UnNews:Barlow song perfect for self-loathing English

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6 March 2014

Two of the four horseman of the apocalypse.

The English football team's official World Cup song is to be sung by Take That member Gary Barlow, a move which critics say is perfect to evoke the sense of self-loathing felt by fans.

At this year's summer festival of football, England, who laboured to an uninspired 1-0 victory over Denmark last night, are set to face stiff opposition from the first round on.

England fan Tom Munter, who had a rattle in one hand, and a dusty vuvuzela in the other, told us: "It all started in 1990, with New Order doing an awfully glorious, gloriously awful song called World in Motion. People like it, in a typically English, ironic way. Then came Baddiel and Skinner and Three Lions, and we all believed. Then came Three Lions '98, then 2000, then I think Embrace did a song.

"All these things were symbols of an optimism which is now dead. With the renouncement of Britpop, we are finally admitting to ourselves that it's over. It's going to be shit. The players are going to be out of their element in the tropics, the games are going to be on in the middle of the night, we aren't going to be entertainingly bad or plucky, we're just going to be insipid and uninspired."

His voice rising, Munter added, "There's nothing intrinsically great about England, England's music, or England's football team, so let's listen to Gary-fucking-Barlow and drink and lose to Uruguay."

Sources

• Leverage "Stars record England 2014 World Cup song" BBC, March 6, 2014