UnNews:Are we all going to die of Ebola?
Friday, October 17, 2014
Here at UnNews we are committed to giving you honest, up-to-date informative news that is free from sensationalism and we hope we are doing so when we say, yes, you are definitely going to die of Ebola.
If the previous epidemics of SARS and swine flu are anything to go by, then the whole world is surely about to collapse in on itself. Considering two thirds of the world’s population was wiped out by bird flu, it is looking more and more likely that Ebola will take out the remaining survivors.
“There is no hope,” Ivy Bowler, leader of the World Health Organisation told us. “Every year or so a virus like this comes around and everyone dies. We would try harder to help the people in Africa but what’s the point when they are going to die of AIDS anyway?”
When asked about whether we are all going to die, Bowler replied “Yes, death is coming for you and your children.” She then told us, “Honestly, I’m shitting myself about Ebola.” This turned out to be a symptom and she died of Ebola soon after the interview.
Almost everyone in the northern parts of Africa has now died and as such people are referring to it as “the New Black Death”. The people of South Africa are planning a strict system of segregation to keep out all the nasty infected black people. The tragic loss of life in Africa has left many westerners questioning whether their Nigerian lottery winnings will still come through.
Companies such as GlaxoSmithKline are already working on the vaccines. The organisation tells us the vaccine won’t be available for some time, apart from to its Super Gold Premium Plus members. You may join a waiting list for when the vaccine comes available for general use by providing a quick and easy payment of £18,000. A recent press release from GSK states, “Ebola drug trials show hope as monkeys recover”. A second press release came soon after explaining that they were in fact performing animal trials and "monkeys" was not a euphemism.
Countries across the world have begun stringent screening procedures to prevent infected people entering their borders. In the UK for example, you are to shake the hand of a border guard and be asked if you have Ebola. If you say yes or the guard contracts Ebola, they will prevent your entry into the country. The USA plans to shoot all ill-looking people and all brown-looking people on sight. Frank Mankly, head of security at JFK airport tells us, “If you are ill or brown we do not need or want you in the United States of America. If you are suffering from an illness or from brownness please don’t try and enter the USA. You may try again in future when you are healthier and/or whiter.”
The ebola outbreak could have wider implications in the world of terrorism. It is possible that Ebola is working in league with terrorist organisations such as Isis, much like when the Indian ocean kidnapped passengers of a Malaysian Airlines flight earlier this year.
As is often the case, the American government has employed a misguided kneejerk reaction in its fight against Ebola sending airstrikes to West Africa to combat the virus and Humanitarian aid to Iraq to combat Isis. George Bush was recently recorded criticising the current President: “If it were up to me I would’ve invaded Ebola months ago. We cannot be shown to stand idly by while Ebolians threaten the American way of life”.
A vote in the House of Commons this month meant the UK would assist with America’s airstrikes of Ebola in Sierra Leone. There is still much debate as to whether ground troops should be sent in to combat the growing threat.
In conclusion then, it is looking hopeless for humanity. Unless military action against Ebola is quick and effective it appears that we will all die before Christmas whether it be from the defecation of your own bowels or a bullet to the head.