UnNews:Apple stocks rise on introduction of new iToilet

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9 January 2007

Enhanced throughput and greater storage capacity ensures a more enjoyable crapping experience.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs on Tuesday announced the iPod maker's long-awaited leap into the human shit business and renamed the company to just "CRApple," reflecting its increased focus on the handling of various varieties of crap and poop.

The iToilet, which will start at $499 when it launches in June, is controlled by ass contact, plays ass music, surfs the Internet and gives you the runs with the Macintosh computer operating system. Jobs said it will "reinvent" crapping and "squirt" past the current generation of smart shitters.

"Every once in a while a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything," he said during his keynote address at the annual Macworld Conference and Expo. "It's very fortunate if you can work on just one of these in your career. ... Apple's been very fortunate in that it's introduced a few of these."

He said the company's name change is meant to reflect Apple's transformation from a computer manufacturer to a full-fledged human fecal matter handling company.

During his speech, Jobs also unveiled a living room-based box that allows people to shit in their living rooms and wirelessly transport their turds to the bathroom.

Apple shares jumped more than 8 percent on the announcements, while the stock of rival smart-shitter makers plunged.