UnNews:Angelina Jolie auctions breasts for breast cancer charity
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 June 2013
Famed former actress Angelina Jolie intends to auction her recently removed breasts and donate the money to breast cancer research. The breasts have been valued at $2 million each, making them the most valuable mammaries currently on the market.
The boobs will go on sale at Hal's Meat Shop in upper New York, a butchery chosen for its specializing in duck breast meat. Hal Joenson, the owner, conducted the surgery on Jolie after she discovered she was at a high risk for breast cancer in her lifetime.
Doctors have warned the future owners of Jolie's breasts that, like the rest of Angelina Jolie, they are immortal and will never age. Nonetheless, they could still develop cancer, making them even bigger and likely increasing their rating, and hence their value, from Bs to Cs.
Doctors have also emphasized that the breasts themselves do not come with areolae or skin, which experts say is a fundamental aesthetic component but not a fundamental tactile component. In other words, fondling is much more important than looking.
Jolie's former fiance, Billy Bob Thornton, is expected to be the highest bidder for the boobs as TMZ made it known in 2009 that they were his favorite feature of her torso area when they were together.