UnNews:All physical exercise will kill you
Thursday, November 20, 2015
UnNews, The Internet -- Again, scientists have shocked us with new findings. You thought physical exercise is good for you, right? Wrong. As this study clearly shows, you would almost be better off dead than taking the first few steps on the running track. These findings looked so unbelievable to us at the Newsroom that we had to arrange an interview with the author of the study, the world famous Michael K. X. Keenan.
UnNews: I'll get straight to the point, Dr. Keenan -
Professor Keenan: Professor Keenan.
UnNews: Yes. Now, we are very interested in these findings of yours. We are not actually questioning them, but ---
Professor Keenan: Good.
UnNews: --- but they are, to say the least, very surprising!
Professor Keenan: Surprising, yes, and shocking! I have a hard time believing them myself - yet they are completely obvious when you think of it calmly, without letting your emotions sway your judgement! For at least decades, mankind has been believing that physical exercise is useful, even beneficial, and now these statistics turn it all upside down! But what can you do? Facts are facts.
UnNews: I'm hesitant to ask you about the sources, but I just have to, I mean, as a reporter my duty...?
Professor Keenan: Don't worry, son! It is completely all right! I understand your duty which is just as important as mine, don't you agree? My sources are completely reliable, and everything was checked thoroughly before the study was published! Now, if you'll excuse me...?
UnNews: Just one more question: I recently read a study that claimed work is beneficial to the body and mind. I couldn't help wondering if physical exercise might also -
Professor Keenan: Let me tell you something. Those so-called studies are the imaginings of a diseased mind. No sensible person would ever claim that you can gain any health benefits through any kind of physical activity! It just doesn't stand to reason! Listen, I am a bit busy at the moment. I really must be off.
With that, Professor Keenan hung up. This reporter feels that some questions might have been left unanswered - but on the other hand, all the evidence seems to support the message: stay out of the sports circles if you know what is good for you.