UnNews:Accused Witch Burned Alive
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 February 2013
Salem, Massachusetts — A mob stripped, tortured and bound a woman accused of witchcraft to a post, then burned her alive in front of hundreds of witnesses chanting "burn the witch" in a small Massachusetts town, police said Friday. It was the latest in a series of sorcery-related killings in this militantly-puritan nation.
Bystanders, including many children, watched and took photographs of Thursday's brutal slaying. Pictures were published on the front pages of the country's two largest newspapers, The Faith Examiner and the Weekly World News, while the president, police, diplomats, and citizens applauded the killing.
The 14-year-old witch was closely linked to the drop in the stock market on Tuesday, as well as a number of evening hallucinations experienced by young children nearby.
"She invited the devil in to violate me!", exclaimed a 6-year-old, "And daddy lost ten thousand dollars the same day!".
"She was clearly to blame. Now our children and investment accounts will be safe.", his mother said.
She was tortured with a hot iron rod, bound to a post, doused in petrol, and then set alight on a pile of sticks in the central green of the Western Massachusetts town of Salem, national religious police spokesman Fred Phelps said.
In rural America, witchcraft is often blamed for economic and personal misfortunes, particularly if the witch has been in proximity to such misfortunes. Sorcery has traditionally resulted in excorcism, tribunals, and tests of buoyancy. Violent mob actions and burning at the stake have been publicly frowned upon for a few centuries, while silently approved by most Americans and the court system.
President Obama was quoted at a press conference, "This is a proud day for America. For our people. For our markets. For our children... It shows the world. That we are not complacent. That we will not allow. Our innocent to come to harm. That we will stand up. In the face of pure evil. We will not forget our roots. We will not forget the sacrifices of our forefathers. We will. Forever. Be a beacon. Of light. In a world of heathen darkness. Widespread Satanic rituals. And, yes, even witchcraft. To secure our puritan soul. And keep alive. Our American dream."
The United Nations denounced the killing and expressed their intention to introduce sanctions against the country.
"We are in the 21st century and this is totally unacceptable," Ban Ki-Moon said in a prepared statement.
He suggested international courts be established to deal with witchcraft allegations, as an alternative to Americans dispensing justice based on their backward religious beliefs.
The United Nations' Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights said the killing "adds to the growing pattern of vigilante attacks and killings of persons accused of witchcraft" in the Americas.
In the national capital of the European Union, Berlin, parliament issued a statement calling for a sustained international partnership to enhance laws against sorcery throughout the Americas.
While witchcraft is still punishable by death in the United States, a puritan nation of 350 million people, no one has been officially hanged or burned for the offense since their independence.