UnNews:2013 'same shit with different name'
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 January 2013
EVERYWHERE, Earth -- With the new year now upon us, many people across the world may feel obligated to show a sense of optimism and develop the "New Year's Resolutions" that have become expected both at workplaces and online. However, it seems that the overwhelming majority of world citizens seem to hold none of these feelings this year. In fact, polls across the world are reporting that most people are simply looking at 2013 as "the same load of crap as 2012 with a new name". This startling discovery was investigated further by paid experts, who found that the overall shittiness of the past thirteen years have left billions across the world without any sense of optimism or any desire to play the "new year, fresh start" game.
The change is most apparent in developed countries such as the United States, where citizens were basically expected to take the new year as a time of resolution and happiness. These feelings have been replaced with bitterness and the cold realization that we just don't give a flying fuck any more. "It's really not too surprising," said researcher Tim Bobs yesterday. "Since the 2000s have already been such a depressing, predictable let-down for any normal people on the planet, it's only normal that we would see such a response to the advent of 2013. Same shit, different name, as I always say. Actually, I've been saying that for the past eleven years". The poll also showed that people with net worths of $60 million or more were doing "just swell", a stark contrast to the statements made by the larger percent of the human population.
As the year goes on, Bobs said that there will likely be a decrease in the number of new year's cards purchased across the world as well as a general decline in international friendliness as people fully begin to see just how much 2013 is just like any time since 2000. "Maybe even farther back," Bobs shrugged indifferently. "Who really gives a fuck anyway? It's all the same shit. Sports, ice hockey, reruns, TV shows, politics, oppression, debt, and whatever else you want to highlight that has happened during the 2000s so far... it's all going to be the same, maybe even worse. And there's not a damn thing anybody's going to do about it."
When asked what the best thing to do would be in face of these horrible facts, Bobs thought for a few moments until finally shrugging once more and saying, "Hell, why not just go edit Uncyclopedia? It's as good as anything you'd be able to or want to do otherwise".
