UnNews:10 facts you didn't know about George Michael

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Tuesday, December 27, 2016

In tribute, all Londoners are set to spend the night in Hamstead Heath, masturbating strangers, smoking marijuana, and driving home high, before crashing into a photo shop and falling asleep at the wheel.

After George Michael was tragically found dead in his bed this week, UnNews has put together a list of illuminating facts for our readers - that you will be hard-pushed to find elswhere.

10) George Michael's hit Faith was often dismissed as a copy of Prince's Kiss - and some of the Purple One's fans have accused the British singer of similiarly plagiarising his sudden death.

9) George was born Georgios Kyriacos Panayioto but changed his name to George Michael, because English-sounding names are just better.

8) When George was arrested for masturbating in a public toilet, he was quick to turn the incident into a hit song, Outside. This was actually the second song he wrote on the subject, after he rather sensibly binned his first track, Came On A Cop, at the last minute.

7) The policeman in question, Frank Gomez, actually became a huge George Michael fan as a result of the incident. "I have never discovered a recording artist in that way - before or since," said Gomez.

6) Since that incident, George gamely returned to public toilets, satisfying over 167 men with his hand, mouth, or anus.
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5) In 2010, Michael crashed his car into a Happy Snaps photo shop after a friend jokingly told him that if he destroyed their main computer, he could erase all the pictures of him online in which he looked fat.

4) George had a lengthy legal battle with Sony, eventually winning his "freedom" under the condition that he died at Christmas in order to cement Last Christmas as an all-time classic.

3) His band's name, Wham!, came from George's lifelong orgasm-cry.

2) George was a secret philanthropist, donating millions to local hospitals, animal charities, and research into irritable bowel syndrome.

1) Faith's opening lyrics, "Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body / I know not everybody has got a body like you" was inspired by George's affair with a paralympian.

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