UnDebate:How to be Italian

“There are three ways to be Italian. Unfortunately, all of them are correct, and all of them are wrong.”

– Someone’s Nonna

How to be an Italian is a complicated topic with few clear answers, and even fewer clear results. Being an Italian is already a delicate balance amongst loud talking, murder, hand gestures, olive oil, and unwavering confidence in things you may or may not be able to prove. Scholars have long debated the correct method for doing so, but three primary schools of thought have emerged: the school of the Mafia, the school of the Meatball, and the school of the Church. Each school insists the others are frauds, impostors, or (worst of all), Northern Italian.

The Mafia approach

“You don't become Italian. You are born Italian. But I can make an exception... for a fee.”

– Don "The Noodle" Tone

According to the Mafia Don "The Noodle" Tone, being Italian is about respect, family, and envelopes of cash. There are 4 key rules to this school of thought that cannot be ignored:

1. Always speak in vague threats. For example, "It would be… unfortunate… if you were not Italian."
2. Always refer to everyone as "my cousin", even if they are not your cousin. Ok, especially if they are not your cousin. Try not to be Italian around your girlfriend as this may garner you strange looks and even the constable's attention.
3. Only consume pasta. If asked why, stare silently at their nose until they apologize. If they don't feel open to breaking their knees with your bat. You did bring your bat with you, right?
4. Conduct all business at a table with espresso, bread, and crime.

The key belief of the Mafia school of thought is really quite simple. So simple in fact, that even a foreigner would be able to understand it! The key belief is: "If you are not slightly feared at family gatherings, you are not Italian."

The Meatball approach

The Meatball Chef (AKA the 'Meataballa') argues loudly and expressively that true Italianness is measured only in flavor and exactly how aggressively you can reject a sauce. You must be cooking constantly, but if for some reason you are not cooking, you must be thinking about cooking. If you are not thinking about cooking while you should be cooking, then you are just wrong, and clearly not Italian.

Usage of hand gestures while cooking increases flavor tenfold, and helps to remind others in the kitchen that 1) you are Italian, and 2) that your sauce will automatically be better than theirs. You should also argue about pasta shapes as frequently as possible. For example: "This? This is not spaghetti. This is not even penne! This is an insult!"

Feeding people until they physically cannot move is another one, which is often mistaken for one of the primary rules of grandmothering. If they try to push the plate away and say something idiotic and foreign like "I'm full", insist that they are "too skinny", and give them another helping of sauce to go down with the first 6 helpings.

The key belief of the Meatball school of thought, or "Pastafarianism", is that your identity is directly tied to your tomato sauce.

The Church approach

When asked, the priest insisted that being Italian was fundamentally about faith, guilt, and/or Nonna’s disappointment in you. The way to truly be an Italian according to the priest, (and therefore Jesus Himself), is to go to Church, even if you don't want to... ok especially if you don't want to. Second, you must be guilty of something! Did you perhaps eat to much? No? Ah, then you ate too little. Shame on you. Third, you must ensure to always cross yourself as if you are warding off the swarm of pigeons trying to take the dried gnocchi crumbs off your shirt. Fourth, you should invoke the saints as often as possible in order for them to back you up due to your best friend being plastered in the bar where you left him. Something like "St. Anthony wouldn't approve of this pasta, so neither do it." Prepare to have a big name saint pre-loaded in case the pasta chef chases you down with a rolling pin.

The key belief of the Church school of thought is that suffering builds character. They admit that overcooked pasta also builds character, but much less effectively, as "suffering" kind of covers that already.

The debate

For centuries, the Mafia, the Chefs, and the Priests have gathered to determine the one true way to be Italian. These meetings typically last 6 to 14 hours, and only end when someone flips a table or dessert is served.

Topic 1: What Is Family?

Don: "Family... is loyalty. If you betray family, you disappear. Simple as that."

Chef: "Family is who you feed. If they leave hungry, you disappear."

Priest: "Family is sacred. You must forgive them."

Don: "...Even if they betray you?"

Priest: "Yes."

Don: "...We will discuss this later."

Topic 2: The Purpose of Food

Chef: "Food is love. Food is identity. Food is the only reason civilization exists."

Don: "Food is for meetings."

Priest: "Food is a gift from God."

Chef (furious): "And what do you think God used? Jarred sauce??"

Priest (hesitating): "...We do not speak of this."

Topic 3: Volume of Speaking

Don: "You speak loudly so people listen."

Chef: "You speak loudly because you feel deeply."

Priest: "You speak loudly because no one is listening to God."

Topic 4: Hand Gestures

Chef: "These are essential for explaining recipes."

Don: "These are essential for explaining consequences."

Priest: "These are essential for blessings."

Chef: "You cannot bless pasta without proper wrist rotation."

Priest (taking notes): "...Continue..."

Topic 5: Pasta Rules

Chef (slamming table): "You do NOT break spaghetti!"

Don: "I break whatever I want."

Priest: "Breaking spaghetti is a sin."

Don (pauses): "...Noted."

Topic 6: Outsiders Trying to Be Italian

Chef: "They must learn. Slowly. Properly."

Don: "They must prove themselves."

Priest: "They must be welcomed."

All three (simultaneously): "But not like that."

Topic 7: The North vs. The South

All three: "We do not talk about this."

Topic 8: Who Is the Most Italian?

Don: "I protect the family."

Chef: "I feed the family."

Priest: "I save the family."

Chef: "They cannot be saved if they are hungry."

Don: "They cannot eat if they are dead."

Priest: "They cannot be dead if they are saved."

Outcome of the debate

After hours of shouting, gesturing, eating, and at least one vague threat, the three reach a unanimous conclusion: the Don is correct, the Chef is correct, the Priest is correct, and most importantly: the other two are completely wrong.

Conclusion

After extensive research, thousands of arguments, lots of hand waving, and one incident involving improperly cooked pasta, scholars have determined the definitive method for becoming Italian:

You must simultaneously:

Be loyal to your family, fear your family, feed your family, and confess your family.

Cook for hours, but insist it was "nothing."

Argue loudly, but claim you are "just talking."

Gesture wildly, but deny that you are gesturing at all.

Reject all outside influence, while loudly explaining how your region does it better.

Drink espresso strong enough to question your life choices.

Disagree with at least one person before noon.

Eat a meal that could feed a small village, then insist you "barely ate."

Bring up something from 12 years ago during dinner.

Forgive no one, but love everyone anyway.

You must also maintain the following emotional states at all times:

Pride, passion, and mild disappointment in others.

Severe disappointment in yourself.

Hunger (even immediately after eating).

Important Warning!

It is impossible to become Italian correctly! This is because: If you follow the Don, you are too intimidating. If you follow the Chef, you are too emotional. If you follow the Priest, you are too guilty. And, if you attempt to combine all three, you will be: intimidating, emotional, and guilty, which, unfortunately…

...is exactly what makes You Italian.

Final Rule

No matter what you do, how you act, or how convincingly you shout, a real Italian will always inform you that you are doing it wrong... usually during dinner.