UnBooks:How to be Gay Whilst in Gaol
By Oscar Wilde.
Chapter One: So you want to become the prison faggot?
Congratulations! By purchasing this book you have taken that all important first step towards incarcerated homosexuality, personally it’s my favourite form of bentness, and I should know I’ve tried them all. And when I say all I mean all. From rent boys to mildly effeminate sheep I’ve explored all corners of gayness, and left no stone or arse unturned. However as I mentioned earlier the prison shower is my favourite venue for the love that dare not speak its name (Bumming) mainly because of the excitement, and the uniforms, I love the uniforms. However it is important to realise that there are distinct and unsettling differences between gayness in and out of prison. Firstly, and most importantly no prisoner will actually admit that their gay, or regard themselves as a homosexual, even though they engage in the same or similar acts as any other gay. Therefore a distinctly unusual approach is required when approaching the convict homosexual. Approaching someone and saying “So you’re a gay as well?” will only get you a beating. Believe me I know. And you don’t want a beating, you want a bumming, or to use the prison euphemism you want to “Pick up the soap”. Instead of standing in the toilets using the conventional “rent boy stance” (shown left) "a more subtle technique must be employed in order to lure in the convict. Try laying small trails of breadcrumbs into a dark corners and then pouncing on them unawares, like some sort of sexually perverted kangaroo. The most common method is to walk up to the most obese and psychotic nut job in the showers and “accidentally” drop the soap whilst loudly screaming “OOOOPHS!” in a high pitched girly voice. This will defiantly get you noticed.
Chapter two: Bestiality- The fast path to prison.
In order to become Queen of the exercise yard you must first get there. This has become progressively more difficult in recent years. In the past merely looking like me was reason to be sent to prison, not anymore thanks to those fucking liberals. These days you need to shock people into sending you there. Murder is ok for sick bastards, or those wanting a long stay. However the casual seeker of convict action should consider committing less serious offences, rape a goat that’ll get you there, no problems. Alternatives include stealing the Archbishop of Canterbury’s best rent boy or “Intimate secretary” to give him his formal title. And if stealing Cole Porter from the Bishop doesn’t work then I don’t know what will.
Chapter Three: Avoiding AIDS and all that unpleasantness.
Everyone knows that AIDS only strikes during a full moon, when the pope’s evil powers are at there full extent. Therefore avoid the showers during a full moon. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If the AIDS monster gets you now it’s no fault of mine. I warned you about this, so there.