Ultima-Device
The Ultima-Device is the most ultimate ever device in the entire history of the entire universe. Buy it. Now. NOW!
Never heard of it.[edit | edit source]
Never heard of it?! Then I'll have to tell you! The Ultima-Device can do anything and everything anywhere, anytime, and to anyone! Buy now, and we'll throw in this free plasma screen tv[1]!
What does it do?[edit | edit source]
It does a whole lot, my friend! Just some of its many uses are:
- Playing DVD's, VHS's, CD's, and video cassettes.
- Playing every game for every system ever made without the disk/cartridge/anything else.
- Cleaning up around the house.
- Healing any wound you may suffer.
- The ability to make any food or drink.
- Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many other uses!
I'm still not convinced because I'm a drooling, brain-dead monkey with an IQ that is too low to calculate.[edit | edit source]
Then buy it, and experience its other uses for yourself, you wonderful person, you!
Wow, I'm convinced! How do I buy such a wonderful device?[edit | edit source]
Remember, it's not just any wonderful device, it's the Ultima-Device!
Wise words, O wondrous leader. So how do I buy it?[edit | edit source]
Just dial this number and give us you and your relative's social security numbers!
- THIS-IS-NOT-A-REAL-NUMBER-555
or
- FAKE-FAKE-FAKE-FAKE-FAKE-FAKE-FAKE-NOTTRUE-DON'TDIALTHISNUMBER,OKAY?-555
Dial these numbers now on your cell and/or telephone to get your Ultima-Device today!
I got an Ultima-Device, but it doesn't work![edit | edit source]
Now that's a problem!
How do I fix it? Or can I order a new one?[edit | edit source]
It is both easily fixable and easily re-obtainable!
How to fix a broken Ultima-Device[edit | edit source]
First off, you'll need to find your problem on the list. Then, look at the solution underneath it!
Problem and Solution[edit | edit source]
- Problem: I don't have it!
- Solution: Reorder it.
- Problem: It's all red and sticky!
- Solution: You probably smeared strawberry jam all over it. Just lick it off.
- Problem: An aspect of the entertainment system isn't working!
- Solution: Remove entertainment system and reorder it.
- Problem: I got a fake pencil instead of the free plasma screen tv I was promised!
- Problem: An instruction manual didn't come with mine!
- Solution: Don't worry, that's supposed to happen.
How to order a new one[edit | edit source]
If yours has been damaged beyond repair, please call either of the previously listed numbers to order a new one.
FAQs[edit | edit source]
These are Frequently Asked Questions asked by actual customers!
What does FAQs stand for?[edit | edit source]
Frequently Asked Questions.
Are you sure?[edit | edit source]
Yes, Frequently Asked Questions.
I heard somewhere that it stood for Firey Ass Quills.[edit | edit source]
Why would it mean that?
I dunno, I'm sorry...[edit | edit source]
You'd better be. To make up for it, why don't you buy an Ultima-Device?
Okay![edit | edit source]
That's the spirit!
The FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)[edit | edit source]
“Hey, can I buy an Ultima-Device?”
Sure!
“Can the Ultima-Device even answer FAQs? And what does FAQ stand for?”
Yes! And FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions.
If you have any questions of your own...[edit | edit source]
If there are still any questions lingering in your mind, please let us know at one of our phone numbers and we'll answer it as soon as possible!
Notation[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Plasma screen tv is neither fake nor a pencil.