Toilet seat cover
 | This toilet seat smells funny... |
“What with all the vermin and diseases one could find on a public restroom toilet seat, bless Baby Jesus and the Holy Spook for these marvels of sanitary Science!”
The modern toilet seat cover is a sure-fire way to protect one's posterior from a whole host of ailments, such as ickyness, shingles, Jakob-Kreutzfelt disease, irritable bowel syndrome, fallen stomach, male erectile dysfunction, feeling drowsy, SARS, avian flu, tsunamis, homeless people, ingrown toenails, communism, fecal impactions, beatings at the hands of police, Koreans, porcelain auto-immuno decay disease, the Snorks, poop, John Roberts, PCP, dogs, clowns, blasphemy, some kinds of hot sauce, and velociraptors.
Ah, a safe, hygenic way to spray fecal matter all over the bowl[edit | edit source]
Whether made of tissue paper or tissue-like paper, toilet seat covers are a creation of science, the supply-side market economy, and hours upon hours of research. Toilet seat covers, while generally found in public restrooms may also be found in the private crappers of the anal retentive and especially the bat-shit insane.
Invented when? By whom?[edit | edit source]
Primitive legend has it that toilet seat covers were conceived immculately through a union between the archangel Gibril and a paper mill, though this is a filthy, excrement-spattered lie. A lie, I tells you.
They were actually developed by the tireless and often misguided efforts of comedienne Paula Poundstone in 1973, whose run-ins with, ahem, the runs lead her to question whether a quicker, more time-efficient way to plaster toilet tissue in an aethetically pleasing, sanitary manner over the common public toilet seat was possible.
It was, to the eternal credit of Man.
Well known fecophiliac Donald Rumsfeld puts it thusly:
Proper Use[edit | edit source]
- Enter a public restroom on your evacuation mission.
- Inspect the stalls: is there a rectangular toilet seat cover dispenser present? (If there is one, and it contains toilet seat covers, proceed to step #3; if there isn't, find another public restroom or hold it, hold it, HOLD IT!)
- Remove one or more (up to a baker's dozen) toilet seat covers.
- Apply to the toilet seat. While not absolutely necessary, scotch tape, glue, nails, or Denture-Grip™ may be employed to make sure the toilet seat cover does not accidentally slip from the toilet seat. Make sure that the toilet seat cover is "open" in the center, or the whole operation is going to produce unintended consequences.
- Sit down, taking extreme care to not disturb the toilet seat cover. It's also advisable, for extra protection, to actually hover above the seat and cover, allowing no part of the buttocks to contact either.
- Let yourself go and enjoy the experience as it was meant to be enjoyed.
Did You Know?[edit | edit source]
- Toilet seat covers are used for currency in Sealand.
- Fans of the Dallas Cowboys are well-known for turning toilet seat covers into dashing and provocative Dallas Cowboy Hats, and official versions of these are available on-line for eight British pounds sterling per half-bushel.
- Toilet seat cover dispensers make an excellent conversation piece when installed in phone booths.