Thurston Howell III

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Thurston Howell III
No image
date of birth: unknown
place of birth: unknown
nationality: Islander
occupation(s): CEO of Howell Industries, Inc. (also known as Enron)
religion(s): Illuminated Luciferianism
spouse(s): Lovey
children: Gilligan Howell

“I loved Thurston Howell like a brother. More than a brother. More like a sister. Sisters who get it on with each other. Over and over again. In a mud-filled coffin in the basement of an exclusive all-male fraternity that you will Never be able to get into. With all our little frat brothers applauding. You bitch.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Thurston Howell III

Thurston Howell III is a jaded, Über-rich Plutocrat and International Man Of Mystery rumored to be behind some of the most nefarious plots and Cabals of the 20th Century.

The Howell Family in America.[edit]

The family name was originally "Bean", descended from Sauney Bean, a Scottish convict transshipped to Georgia in 1711.

The Howells entered the rag and bone trade, migrating to New England where they settled in the town of Innsmouth, Massachusetts. There they made a fortune in the slave trade from Africa to the Caribbean. After the slave trade was outlawed they moved into war profiteering and smuggling. This began the family's long association with the shipping industry. The family owned a fleet of clipper ships engaged in the China trade of Opium shipping. During prohibition they increased their wealth by providing high quality European alcohol to the mafia.

The Howells maintained and expanded their vast wealth, continuing the family tradition of war profiteering during the Civil War, Spanish-American War, WWI, WWII, Korea and Vietnam. Thurston's father secretly represented Nazi banking and shipping interests in the United States during World War II.

The Howell Family Today[edit]

Today Howell Industries is a major world-wide player in oil, pharmaceuticals, weapons, banking and eugenics. Howell Industries is proud of the fact that it is known world wide for War profiteering, rain forest destruction, slavery, heroin and cocaine trafficking, and green energy production. Howell Industries pays no taxes as all profits are laundered offshore. The company maintains headquarters in the Cayman Islands and Abu Dhabi.

Education and early life[edit]

Thurston Howell III was born in ??? at ???. His early life is shadowy, but he is known to have attended Harvard University and to have been a member of an exclusive male-only final club at Harvard. Thurston Howell also rowed crew on the Harvard Team and has since continued his interest in boating. He is a member of every exclusive yacht club on the Eastern Seaboard of the United States. He flys the Skull and Bones flag on his yacht.

War Service[edit]

He served in the Navy in World War II, however records showing which Navy have been suppressed. He is believed to have been a successful submarine commander and to have been personally decorated by the Fuhrer.

It is thought that it was during the war that he formed his close association with "Skipper" Jonas Grumby. It is also believed that immediately after World War II he was instrumental in assisting "Professor" Roy Hinkley [original name "Rheinhardt Hinnkler"] to enter the United States as part of "Operation Paperclip".

Mysterious Disappearance[edit]


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Thurston Howell III.

Following a series of indictments for Tax Evasion, War Profiteering, Treason, Felonious Mopery with Intent to Creep, Malicious Bonehawking, Insurance Fraud, Barratry, Buggery upon the High Seas, White Slavery and Narco-trafficking, Mr. Howell told associates he and his wife were embarking on a "Three Hour Tour" on a charter boat known as the "SS Minnow". (see Minnow (maritime disaster)). The boat vanished and Thurston Howell has not been seen since.

Law enforcement authorities have unsuccessfully sought Mr. Howell in Guatemala, Costa Rica and Bolivia. He was long rumored to be holed up in a Las Vegas Casino hotel, occupying an entire floor and surrounded by his faithful Mormon bodyguards, but that has never been verified.

Famous Quotes[edit]

“Mr. Howell: I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Gilligan: Yes, sir. Mr. Howell: Are you listening? Gilligan: Yes, I am. Mr. Howell: Satanism. Satanism and Bugg'ry. Gilligan: Just how do you mean that, Sir?”

~ Thurston Howell III on Gilligan