Throne of Glass
Throne of Glass is a fantasy book series ghostwritten by Ted Kaczynski in 2012. Thematically, it discusses the theme of magic people being way cooler than you, why they will always be way cooler than you, and how you are getting mogged in coolness so hard by fictional characters.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Celaena Sardothien[edit | edit source]
Is the cool assassin who murders people for money but it's cool. She's a good person, so she feels bad about killing people, and refuses to kill children or people from her country, which is kinda racist but in a good way.
She's so cool she is also named Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn Galaythynius, Fireheart, probably something in fae, Elentiya, Dianna Brackyn Ansel of Briarcliff and Lillian Something. Her titles are Adarlan's Assassin, the King's Champion, Witch Slayer, Queen of Terassen, Heir of Fire, Has an okay ass and average boobs, Heir of Brannon of the Wildfire, Heir of Mala Fire-Bringer, Flagship of the Fleet the battleship USS New Jersey, Aelin of the Wildfire, and Aelin Fire-Bringer. Somehow, she is also called "Nameless".[1]
Orphaned and captured by Hardoldine Camel, she is taught how to kill people in cool ways like throwing knives and stabbing them really dancingly. But she's not a total monster, she can play the piano, which makes up for the rest the time when she's an Olympics level stubborn arrogant bastard.[2]
Chaol Westfall[edit | edit source]
Chaol (pronounced Kay-oll) is Celaena's love interests who exists so there can be a cool love triangle, which he wins, until Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn Galaythynius finds somebody even cooler to fuck. He's also the "Captain of the Guard", despite that not being a ship.
King dude[edit | edit source]
He has no name. Celaena probably stole it.
Erawan[edit | edit source]
He is the Dark Lord and wants to make everybody possessed by demons because he had an argument back in demon-world with this next bitch...
Maeve[edit | edit source]
Immortal demon Queen who pretends to be Queen of the Fae and also Celaena's aunt. Doing exactly as all aunts do, and committing mass arson on a foreign country full of brown people, to force her niece to put them all out and apologise to the locals, and then kidnapping her while she's distracted to take her to a magic torture dungeon so she can force Celaena to magically bind herself to Maeve's will.
Aedion[edit | edit source]
He is Celaena's top general who knew her since a child and leads her army. Mostly, his character exists so that he can randomly announce that he is secretly bisexual, which will never be important or mentioned again, but it meets the publisher's diversity guidelines.
Literary Analysis[edit | edit source]
Dissecting the basic theme of "these imaginary people are cooler than you", we derive some more:
Blood-essentialism: Ha, you can't trace your family tree to a mythical dude whose bloodline was cursed 1000 years ago? Loser.
Blood-essentialism: (the other meaning) Demonstrated by characters who, suddenly deficient of blood, die.
(Spoilers) Sacrifice: Celaena is fated by the Gods betting with her grandpa that she has to die and destroy her immortal soul for all of ever. Upon beginning the sacrifice, the nameless King reveals that he was secretly a simp for her all along, and pays the price for her. Generously, Celaena still sacrifices her magic power. Well, not all of it, but it's the thought that counts. Remember kids: Jesus was a loser, he could've got his simps crucified instead.