Things Fall Apart

“They're scientific”

~ Captain Obvious on Talking Heads

		Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Little Orphan Ani is really Darth Vader, the chick in The Crying Game is a dude, Wallace is the were-rabbit, O'Brien was an agent of the Ministry of Love, Jesus comes back to life after three days, Don Corleone survives the shootout, Dr. Strangelove can actually walk (and everybody dies), Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are brothers, Sloth is the Elric Brothers' mother, Henry testifies against his best friend and goes into the Witness Protection Program, Dorian murders Basil and stabs his portrait, killing himself, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

Things Fall Apart is a short story written by a white supremacist named Chinua Achebe. The story has been a great success from when it was finished in the 50's, to now, when it is a staple for all 9th Grade Global Studies class. The story takes place in a highly successful white colony in Transvaal. The main character, John Van Der Sloven, owns a large and successful yam farm, worked on by African slaves. The story is rich with Christian influence, witty writing, and a pro-imperialism overtone, makes this an interesting read, and a best seller.

Plot Summary

The story takes place in Pretoria, Transvaal, where we meet John Van Der Sloven, a highly successful white colonist. He owns a large yam farm, a wife and two kids who he loves very much, and has around 1,000 slaves. One in particular, Okonkwo, a soft hearted, kind man, who also loves his wifes and children very much. He is very close to the whites, and snitches on the slaves who idle, but he often idles himself. John has an easy time with his job, as everyone does everything for him. One day, Enoch, a heathen slave who has tried to kill the Christian slaves, leads a rebellion against the whites. He takes a young slave, named Ikemefuna, and kills him for no reason. Devastated, John leaves his farm, and travels to Natal, were he has family. Enoch then converts many of the good Christian slaves, into heathen slaves. Some good Christian slaves one night decide to burn down the evil dancing ground, were the heathens do ritual things that no good Christian would ever partake in. The result is that the heathens run away, and create a make-shift, and unsuccessful tribe called Umuofia, but it failed to create food for itself, and they all died. John comes back to find half of his farm workers gone, but he doesn't despair, he just buys 500 slaves from the local market.

Yams

Yams were mentioned 927 times throughout the book, despite the book having fewer words than that. They symbolize sexuality, food, cows, kittens, and God.

Uses For Yams

• Shelter
• Bowls
• Toys
• Food
• Murder weapons
• Replacement for condoms
• Penis enlarger

Characters

Okonkwo (pronounced /CLICK-Click-clic-CLICK-click*) - One of Mr. Smith very lazy slave. He was not like his father, Unoka, who killed a Cat and who works harder than the other slaves. He likes the whites very much, white women to be exact.

Ikemefuna (pronounced /Tik-Tok--kE$HA) - A young slave who was rescued by Mr. Smith when he was about to be killed by giraffes. He has no purpose in the novel, except for sucking dicks and wiping asses.

The Title

The title comes from a very famous Oscar Wilde quote he made when traveling to South Africa.

"My mind is falling apart... no, that is just the drugs kicking' in!"

Literary significance

• " Things Fall Apart is a delightful romp into colonial Africa. It is one of the best examples of imperialism at work, and is the favorite book of all 9th Graders in the world! --Oscar Wilde
• "It's almost as good as Shabanu!" --The New York Times
• "Five stars for this highly interesting short story!" --The Washington Post
• "I pitty da foo who read this book." --Mr. T
• "I wrote this?" --Chinua Achebe
• " Things Fall Apart? Never heard of it!" --That Guy
• "Year after year this incomprehensible garbage is shoved down the throats of innocent High Schoolers to corrupt their minds by forcing them to write stories, essays and other reports on the book. This book is so pointless and irrelevant in this day and age. A good warning to all high school that contemplate this a curriculum: "Students will protest, riot, start fires, get high, annoy, and flat out run amok out of sheer annoyance".-- The Average High Schooler

"Things Fall apart is a highly accurate book which talks about living between the Blacks(not being racist ofcourse), I love the way Foo, Yams and my brother Okonkwo is described- Mark Williams

Warning!

• WARNING! This is one of the only books that accually pisses you off as you read on. Reading more than one chapter in 6 hours may result in the need for anger management. This book also may result in an over dose of yams and beating your nine wifes. The 170 pages in things fall apart accually go on for 5932 pages due to a lack of a plot line or any events occurring in the book at anytime. Protection is suggested whilst reading, but the only safe Things Fall Apart is no Things Fall Apart.