The University of Chicago
| University of Chicago, a.k.a. "The One White Neighborhood on Chicago's South Side" | |
|---|---|
 "Where the end of the world began" | |
| Motto | "Qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die") |
| Established | 1890 |
| School type | Omnipotent |
| Head | Indiana Jones |
| Location | Chicago, IL., U.S. |
| Campus | Urban, 221 hectares (1,850,000 m²) |
| Enrollment | Undergraduate: 4,096 Graduate: 16,384 wizards |
| Endowment | U.S. $5.7 trillion |
| Faculty | 65,536 |
| Mascot | Nobel Laureates |
“An oasis of ivory in a desert of ebony.”
The University of Chicago is a private university located mainly on Earth, but has campuses in Fantasyland. It is known as a safety school for Harvard rejects, for pioneering innovations such as its core curriculum and quarter system (though ivy leaguers claim these are just gimmicks), and for influential academic movements created by Stalin. The university is affiliated in some manner with 87 Nobel Prize laureates (though there is controversy, see below).
Founding[edit | edit source]
In 1890, the University of Chicago was founded by John D. Rockefeller as a school where young, attractive, socially-capable men and women could bypass trivial theoretical pursuits and acquire practical knowledge for the real world within a pleasant, bucolic college campus. Rockefeller decided to locate the university in Hyde Park on Chicago's south side in order to provide a safe environment for the students, and commissioned organic, friendly buildings to promote an informal learning environment. The university's original curriculum was designed by such prominent experts as Augusto Pinochet, Milton Friedman, Ayn Rand, Adolf Hitler and Alan Greenspan with the stated aim of advocating for the world's poorest classes. The curriculum was to include a heavy emphasis on the hard sciences, such as engineering and medicine, in order to prepare students to make meaningful contributions to the world. Rockefeller also designed the university to consist of a healthy balance between work and play; he had hoped the University of Chicago would be renowned nationwide for its awesome fraternity parties and stellar athletic teams.
Early History[edit | edit source]
Rockefeller, a very bitter man by that time, hated the world and hated more anyone who was happy. Locked in his lair in the mountains overlooking the South Side, he endowed the University whose goal is stated in its motto, "qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die").
For a short time in the fifties, Josef Stalin was President of the University. The only evidence of his tenure are a curiously designed sculpture on campus, one that displays the Hammer and Sickle of the USSR on May 1, Stalin's Birthday, and the "Chicago School of CommuEconomics", the "Chicago School of Socialism," and the "Chicago School of Literary Marxism." Stalin did not stay in power long however, he was removed from office after a coup led by Milton Friedman.
As a consequence of being founded on oil money, students are warned to never criticize the oil industry, especially descendants of Standard Oil, such as Exxon-Mobil and Chevron. If they take this perilous risk, they stand a great chance of being shot with tranquilizer darts from guns situated around campus. Once tranquilized they must undergo an intense reeducation in Chicago's School of Economics.
Traditions at Chicago[edit | edit source]
Scav Hunt[edit | edit source]
The former tradition of Scavenger Hunt had to be disbanded after a student group made a functioning nuclear bomb in order to win the competition. Defenders hailed the group as "brilliant" and that they were only trying to honor Chicago's involvement in the Manhattan Project. However, the overnight destruction of Cambridge, Massachusetts and Princeton, New Jersey (among others), brought their motives into question. Mysteriously, MIT survived the Cambridge disaster unharmed, though conspiracy theorists point to its hostile takeover of Caltech shortly afterward as a sign that the bomb was a joint project between MIT and Chicago, with MIT using its new found weaponry to coerce Caltech into agreeing to the deal, while Chicago removed the ivy league from the face of the earth.
The Squirrels[edit | edit source]
The squirrels that control the quads at the U of C are also used as the benchmark for overall student aptitude. If you're a girl and are cuter than the squirrels, or a guy and more aggressive than the squirrels, then you are not Chicago material. Try your ass out over at Northwestern, Sex Machine. To be fair, though, those squirrels are really damn cute, and fucking vicious like a sober Irish priest.
Frat Parties[edit | edit source]
If you want to have a genuine "good" time discussing Marx over a cheap can of "beer", this is the place for you! With a "lively" Frat scene, you can be sure to have a "great" time. Everyone works too hard during the week and then lets it loose on the weekend.
Ducks[edit | edit source]
Students at the University are known for their veneration of the Duck. Legend has it that when the Duck Pond closed, Chicago students let out a scream so loud that everyone in the vicinity immediately died. To this day, Chicago students continue to make pilgrimages to the Duck Pond in the hope that the Duck will return. Alas, such efforts are made in vain, because the Duck, like the universe itself, does not take heed to the suffering of the people. Only the chosen one (who is, by definition, not a bizcon major) can bring the Duck back to the Pond, and in doing so, bring Order to the University.
Milk Cakes[edit | edit source]
Chicago is famous for its Milk Cakes. Each Tuesday, the Bartlett cafe serves a Milk Cake for the measly price of €8. Students from all around the university line up every week to taste the famous and delicious Milk Cakes™.
The University of Chicago Nobel Prize[edit | edit source]
It is not well known that Alfred Nobel attended the University in his later years. Nobel, a masochist, thoroughly enjoyed his years at the University. He included a clause to ensure the University would receive the most Nobel Prizes....at least that's what other schools' Economics Departments keep telling themselves.
Reputation[edit | edit source]
The University of Chicago is famous worldwide for its singular dedication to the study of all things irrelevant. The well known inventor of several social diseases including sociology, cultural relativism, Psychoanalytical Deconstructionism, and the academic study of the middle east. Several professors have won awards for outlandish research proving that as one spends more time at the University of Chicago general levels of happiness tend to zero. The famed economics department recently calculated that for every faculty promotion to have occurred two former faculty members and three Chinese graduate students lost their lives. The primary cause of death was sadness.
Famous Alumni[edit | edit source]
Alfred Nobel - Inventor of the Neutron Bomb
Chairman Mao Zedong - Inventor of Ramen Noodles
Dr. Josh Keyes - First man to have sex beneath the surface of the Earth
Richard M. Daley - First Pharaoh of Chicago
Maxwell Falkowitz - Noted Ornithologist
Richard Loeb and Nathan Leopold, Jr. - Nietzschean Übermenschen
Milton Friedman - Inventor of Capitalism