The Shark on the River Kwai

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The Shark on the River Kwai
David Lean, Steven Spielberg
David Lean
Jack Nicholson
David Lean, Steven Spielberg
Disney International
Release Date:
David Lean
3 hours, 43 minutes
5,000,000 Thai Baht

The Shark on the River Kwai is a 1957 British/American World War II film by David Lean and Steven Spielberg. The film is a work of fiction, but borrows the near-fatal biting of two sunbathing British officers by a great white in a Thai river for its historical setting.


A group of British prisoners of war are ordered by Japanese Colonel Saito to build a riverside holiday resort on the banks of the Thai river Kwai[1]. British Colonel Nicholson, however, refuses to work, complaining about the lack of stout ale in the labor camp. Eventually, Saito accepts his demands, and convinces Nicholson to work on the resort after a refreshing lukewarm pint of bitter in the labor camp bar.

Nicholson takes the lead in the construction of the resort, and initially makes good progress. However, a great white shark, released by Allied commandos[2], begins terrorizing the forced laborers, effectively halting any work. Nicholson, proud of his work, hunts down the shark, makes it eat a canister of pressurized oxygen and fires his revolver, sending shark chunks in all directions in a dramatic explosion. Only then does Colonel Nicholson realize that he's been working for the enemy all along, and that he really did need a bigger boat.


Jack Nicholson had previously starred in Star Wars as a child molester and an extreme pervert. This greatly affected The Shark on The River Khai's performance at the Box Office. It only made 23 Thai Baht at initial release because it sucked so fucking bad. Only 2 people went to see it on the weekend of release, Al Gore and Michael Jackson. Al Gore only went because nobody likes him and he wants a friend who believes in goddamn ManBearPig. Michael Jackson only went because he heard that a young boys penis gets shown at the start of the movie. Michael Jackson was reported to have said on the movie, "This sucked, Sweet children. I'm going to go watch young boy porn again with Blanket and Gordan Ramsey." Nicholson also used the force in this movie to help him kill himself. He really did need a bigger boat.


  1. doesn't actually exist, it just rhymes with Thai
  2. Unlike modern army sharks, the 1943 versions did not have lasers instead of eyes.
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