|link||score /50||user||lowest score||date||comment|
|Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Universe (musical)||40||One-eyed Jack||n/a: 8||10/30|
|Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Universe (musical)||43||Gerrycheevers||prose: 7||11/27|
|avg = 41.5 --- lowest = 7.5|
|Humour:||8||This is not a thigh-slapper, it takes a little thought. But it has excellent satirical aspects.|
|Concept:||8||I expected something not this well-thought-out. My congratulations. This is an excellent idea.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Well-written.|
|Images:||8||Excellent choice of pictures.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||I like this. My reaction is favorable. I dig. Cool.|
|Reviewer:||----OEJ 16:24, 30 October 2007 (UTC)|
Endnotes: I hesitate to criticize this without thinking about it further, because it is not a trivial piece. So here are some initial reactions: A few of the timeline-explanations seemed tedious.
- "For about the first 57 minutes of the last act of the play, the evolution of life on earth is covered. For the first 12 minutes, there is no life on the stage: All the actors play either rocks or volcanoes. After an additional 36 minutes of simple single-celled organisms (12 minutes left in the play), the actors start clinging together for greater protection against the elements, here represented by the sadistic stage crew."
Too many repetitions of the phrase "XX minutes"? Perhaps. You have researched this to a nicety, and you have to-the-minute durations for every phase of the musical. (Applause: this was necessary for you, as an author, to do, and you did the grunt-work. Good. And, as you wrote when you posted something like Revision 25, "GOD DAMMIT this is f'in hard!") But maybe the average reader cares less about the numbers than about some jokes...volcanoes erupting sticky magma all over each other and hurling some of the rocks across the stage, or whatever. And just what does the sadistic stage crew do to the huddling actors who represent bacteria (bacteractors?)?
Maybe some of the times could just be rounded to "about an hour" or "a few minutes". Maybe not.
I would also suggest that in a couple of places you pull sentences out of a paragraph and let them stand alone.
- "The entire course of human evolution, and the entire history of mankind is covered in the last 2.16 seconds of the play. The play covers a few key scenes in the history of humanity, such as the parting of the Red Sea, the rise of the Iron Curtain, and Paris Hilton's indictment. The play abruptly ends after depicting the 2000 election. The musical is kept in trust with scientists all over the world, who have to add another second to the play every 83 million years."
I would want to pull the last sentence out, thus:
- "The entire course of human evolution, and the entire history of mankind is covered in the last 2.16 seconds of the play. The play covers a few key scenes in the history of humanity, such as the parting of the Red Sea, the rise of the Iron Curtain, and Paris Hilton's indictment. The play abruptly ends after depicting the 2000 election."
- "The musical is kept in trust with scientists all over the world, who have to add another second to the play every 83 million years."
That last sentence isn't part of the summary of the play, it's a completely separate thought. Same with this:
- "The first human arrives on the scene in 1999. A man in a hairy ape costume representing Al Gore debates George Bush. By this time, the actors have quit acting altogether. The epilogue of the play describes the second coming of Christ, scheduled for 2109. 'Intelligent Design: The Musical' is slated for next year, and will be exactly the same as The Universe, except that there will only be one actor on stage."
Giving these ideas their own one-sentence paragraph also makes them stand-alone jokes, which is exactly what they should be. If you want, you could micro-polish each one so that it is ... Wait a sec. I gotta go, family trouble. Hold that thought. ----OEJ 16:24, 30 October 2007 (UTC)
-- OK, back online. You could try micro-polishing some of the sentences. Here's an example. You wrote:
- "Intelligent Design: The Musical is slated for next year, and will be exactly the same as The Universe, except that there will only be one actor on stage."
You could rewrite that several ways:
- A new show, Intelligent Design: The Musical, is slated for next year. It will be exactly the same as The Universe -- except that there will be only one actor on stage.
- Planned for next year is Intelligent Design: The Musical, which will have the same plot as The Universe. There will be only one actor on stage. It is a one-God show.
- Next year will see the release of Intelligent Design: The Musical, an alternate version of the plot of The Universe. The cast will be sharply limited: one actor will do everything.
- Intelligent Design: The Musical will hit Broadway next year. Despite complaints of plagiarism it will have the same plot as The Universe, although one actor will do everything.
I dunno which variation Jerry Seinfeld or Dave Chapelle would choose for standup delivery, but in short written jokes the goal is the same as in standup: snappy, effective delivery. Polishing has that goal: to restructure each clause, sentence, and paragraph so it has maximum effect. (Incidentally, I think that very short sentences hit harder than longer ones. That makes them great for punchlines.)
The same goes for one-sentence paragraphs.
Other random thoughts: Did John Cage write the music for Act II? It seems appropriate... Did Carl Sagan produce the show, or was it dedicated to him perhaps? (Nice little in-joke for those who make the connection.)
More later perhaps if I get to it. I hope. This is a good idea and well-thought-out execution. My best congratulations on the article. ----OEJ 20:09, 30 October 2007 (UTC)