User:Shandon/Survivorman: At the Mountains of Madness
“Its already gone woody on me. Not much chance of eating that.”
“So now it's just me, and my video cameras.”
Introduction[edit | edit source]
"Holy crap!"—Survivorman is a Canadian-produced television show, brought to North American viewers via bull moose migration for two seasons, in 2004 and 2007. The star’s being literally "Lost at Sea" in the final episode of the 2004 season combined with the slow migratory movement of bull moose accounted for the three year hiatus. The subject, Les "I’ve gotta get off this <insert geographic noun here>" Stroud, is a proud Canadian, relapsed Pac-Man expert and Zuluphobe, who is also the inventor of the groundbreaking anti-boredom technique of harmonica ventriliquism. The show’s premise is that for seven days…well, the opening credits explain it better:
- tribal music plays -
“One man. Alone. 7 days. No Food. No TV Crew. No Nuthin’!”
Whew. You got it? This guy goes out there, by himself, with nothing, and doesn’t die.
Episode XXII[edit | edit source]
Intro Cut Scene[edit | edit source]
Les, sitting on a low rock.
"…should know about eating yellow snow. What—" *SNAP* "--*BLEEP*--OH *BLEEP*, OH NO, NO TREES!—"
Voiceover: "--and I’ve even been chased, and put up a tree by a Predator. That was in the Canadian Shield’s boreal forest. I like to say 'boreal', especially to my kids. Also, I tell them there is a real Bogeyman."
- Opening Credits Run -
Voiceover: “This week, on Survivorman, I’m going straight to Hell frozen over. That’s right: Antarctica. I spent the last two months having my kidneys taken out, and getting used to dialysis, but then somebody told me about the lame joke the previous doctor had played on me. Then I got my appendix removed, my kidneys reinstalled (thank God for modern medical preservation procedures), and set a gigantic booby trap for the first doctor which I can’t describe to you for legal reasons.”
- Scene Change: Miles upon miles of snow and ice. A screaming helicopter drops Les off. -
"THE HELICOPTER CREW IS DROPPING ME OFF AT THE INNER LINE OF THE ROSS ICE SHELF. I HAVE TO TRUDGE INLAND, OVER THIS TREACHEROUS ICE, AND SURVIVE FOR SEVEN DAYS."
Les moves away from the helicopter, which takes off and departs. Les and the pilot exchange waves. Sped-up film shows the helicopter vanishing into the horizon.
"I'm gonna miss that guy. I know I've only been here for five minutes, but It's Just So Damn Lonely!!"
"What an incredible site. I’m actually--I’m trembling. I feel a lot better now that I see its David Hasslehoff. I’m trembling because, had that been a Predator, and we’re in the height of the Predator’s hunting season, and we’re right in the middle of their ancient city, they are hands-down the most insane hunting creatures this time of year. And I have been chased, and put up a tree before, by a Predator."
Plays High Plains Drifter by the Beastie Boys on his harmonica
This woulda been a lot easier if I’d had an axe. Without an axe, you’re reduced to a lot of…small stabbings. That’s a lot of stabbing.
I call it…my Jeremiah Johnson shelter. Well actually, it’s not a shelter at all. If the wind picks up or snow starts falling, I’m in for a long, cold night. But since I’m already in for a long, cold night no matter what, I Just Don’t Care.