Sunnyvale, California
| Sunnyvale | |
|---|---|
| Motto: Nominus omine rombus | |
| Civic anthem: "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zepplin | |
| Official nickname | Urbtard's Utopia |
| Official language(s) | English, Spanish, Atlantean |
| Mayor | Roger Bakerei |
| Established | 486 B.C. |
| Re-Established | 1824 |
| Currency | Honor system |
Inspiration for the legendary Land of milk and honey, the city of Sunnyvale, California has dominated the international list of top economic producers for seven years straight unlike its ne'er-do-well neighbor, Mountain View. The city ended as a strong contestant for Happiest Population on Earth in May 2009. While religious zealots praise the city as a "bastion of righteousness in the pit of lasciviousness" (the Bay Area), the spirit of humility and cultural diversity wins the praise of political leaders and pop icons.
“The biggest regret of my life is that I didn't move to Sunnyvale.”
“My favorite thing to do in Sunnyvale is to watch the young flamingos at Las Palmas park.”
History[edit | edit source]
Early Prophecies of Sunnyvale[edit | edit source]
The Ainu, ancient inhabitants of Japan, spoke of a place far across the Pacific that would bring them powerful machines of computation, where they could also hold drag races in metal vehicles. They called this mystical land 'Bakanasa' which transliterates to Sunnyvale.
In his private writings, constitutional author and founding father of the United States Lawrence O'Donnell wrote: "After 41 Presidents shall have passed, this country will be on the brink of ruin, until one of the nation's smallest, most unlikely towns shall rise and pull the banner into greatness. It shall carry the nation on its shoulders and turn weakness into strength." Historians unanimously attribute this to Sunnyvale's economic rise during Bill Clinton's disastrous presidency.
Early Middle-Eastern travelers to the Bay Area brought back tales of gold streets and limitless beautiful women. This led to their mistaken religious notion of 72 virgins for victors in the afterlife. Ancient Egypt was also heavily influenced by Sunnyvale, creating a sun-worshiping religion solely on the the fact that Sunnyvale has the best weather in the world.
Discovery by Europeans[edit | edit source]
Natives roamed free in small migrant communities before the arrival of white settlers to the San Francisco Bay Area. Spanish conquistadors brought utter death and destruction to these peoples, leaving the land uninhabited until Greta Garbo Louise Brooks moved north in search of untouched pastures in which to build her country villa. The movie star's team of Chinese railroad workers quickly realized the potential of this lush land. Their heart-filled tales of beauty and success led to the California Gold Rush of 1847. Fortunately, most foreigners gave up the search for legendary Sunnyvale when they reached the stench-filled city of Milpitas.
City government was officially established in 1824 with the first mayor Richard Thorpe. The natural goodness of the people and the universal love that pervaded the streets left little need for a formal government, however. No formal police force even existed until 1993 and the first reported crime in the city was an incident of pedestrians throwing fruit at cars on highway 101 in early 1998. Because they are utterly useless, Sunnyvale's police force and civil servants are intellectually the lowest level of society.
Silicon Valley Revolution[edit | edit source]
IBM founder Herman Hollerith moved to Sunnyvale in the early 60's upon reading of the city's propensity for success to those who drink from its streams and lakes. According to accounts, he moved the entire business to the city upon falling in love with the land, as anyone who touches the soil of that city seem to do. The immediate success of IBM led other respected technology companies to strongly consider Sunnyvale for the center of business.
But it was a native of the land, Steve Jobs, who remarkably beat the stiff competition in the technology sector to build his Apple empire. The computer companies sprung up like daisies in the springtime, and within five years Sunnyvale was internationally recognized as the center of the greatest technology growth in the history of mankind. The dot come boom in the nineties led to the rise of such companies as Yahoo, Adobe, Hewlett Packard, Intel, Oracle, and HotorNot.com. Few are aware of the great rise of innovativeness in other sectors because of Sunnyvale's hallowed grounds, however. Mark Twain admitted late in his life that inspiration for the flexible urethral catheter came during a stroll through Sunnyvale's magical orchards.
International Events[edit | edit source]
President Bill Clinton visited Sunnyvale in a disgusting campaign stunt in August 14th 1992. All air traffic was grounded for four and half hours while Bill Clinton received a haircut in SFX airport upon his arrival, an incident that has often been satirized in national popular culture. This incident was the basis for a prank by popular radio station 107.8 in which twelve vans blocked the middle of San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge while radio jock Elvis Duran received a haircut. Humor-deprived San Francisco fined the radio station $12.8 million which eventually led to their bankruptcy in late 1997.
Portral in Media and Culture[edit | edit source]
Television and Film[edit | edit source]
The first mention of Sunnyvale in cinema was in the 1983 blockbuster War Games, which is also regarded as the first Hacker genre movie. Films subsequently considered Sunnyvale as the destination for all geeks and scheming white terrorists.
The fictional town Sunnydale in the Buffy the Vampire series was loosely based on Sunnyvale. Sunnyvale was well-known in high social circles as a destination for those seeking immortality and eternal happiness, and it is the only conceivable place where Sarah Michelle Gellar wouldn't end up drunk in some dumpster. Even a guttersnipe like her would be well treated in an oasis like Sunnyvale.
Much of the heavenly scenes in the 1998 best motion picture What Dreams May Come were inspired by Sunnyvale. A popular destination for lovers, Sunnyvale is the only known place on earth where gravity is periodically suspended and couples can take flight, a phenomenon that has baffled scientists. In one scene Robin Williams rides a boat though an arched mythical hall of books. This is a splitting image of Sunnyvale's famed public library, which was built in historic Gothic style.
In the action film 007 James Bond A View to Kill an evil maniac seeks to explode a nuclear device in Sunnyvale, knowing that this would cause the greatest grief and disruption to good in the universe. Residents pull together in a startling display of unity and destroy the monstrous man. This portrayal isn't too far fetched, however, as there are multiple recorded events of Sunnyvale residents thwarting evil deeds by simple intellectual thought.
Literature[edit | edit source]
The 17th-century English poet John Milton wrote Paradise Lost following a brief stay in Sunnyvale. He describes his utter despair:
“Never shall I, I fear in my wakening dreams, find the highest celestial body unless I return to my once-forgotten peace. Sunnyvale is its name. Nothing shall consol my grief until there I find rest.”
Many of Milton's grandchildren reside in Sunnyvale to this day. Local residents have discovered their plot to slowly buy and accumulate the properties inside Sunnyvale boundaries, but chose not to react out of fear of retribution.
In 1985 the neighboring city, then known as Mucho Groucho changed its name to Mountain View in a shameless effort to boost tourism. Many traveled to the valley for its view of the perfect city Sunnyvale. This tourism continues to this day, as millions of Asian visitors clog the Bay Area's freeways and cause massive traffic jams.
“Someone has way too much time on their hands.”