“Steve King is a great American hero.”
“The difference between us is that I write about evil incarnate while he is evil incarnate.”
“You compare me to Steve King? That's it, motherf***er, meet me outside!”
“What an asshole.”
“I agree. What an asshole.”
Early life, education and career
The legends surrounding Steve King's birth have become as numerous as the number of immigrants (both legal and illegal) he has personally deported in his cattle trailer. Some say that his mother was a carny for the Barnum and Bailey circus, while others believe that he in fact had no biological mother, but rather was grown in a petri dish during an Iowa State University anthrax experiment.
Although King's true parentage is unknown, legal documents indicate that he became the foster child of Satan in the year 1966, at the onset of the Vietnam War. Like other members of Satan's brood, including George W. Bush, Dan Quayle, and Ronnie James Dio, King did not serve in the Vietnam War. Instead, he took refuge with a colony of hobos from Storm Lake, Iowa, who later vowed to support him in a run for Congress, but only on the condition that he court the previously uncourted Bat-Shit Crazy segment of the Iowa voting public.
Congressman Steve King began his unholy reign over the 5th district of Iowa in the year 2002, a year declared to be the beginning of the end times by most notable prophets, including Nostradamus, David Blaine, and Chicken Little.
Congressman King has been the source of a great deal of controversy since his first term in Congress. His most widely debated ideas include:
- The placement of a barcode on all "brown-skinned people" and the subsequent installation of supermarket scanning machines at all U.S./Mexico border checkpoints.
- The creation of an exchange student program that offers Washington, D.C. high school students the chance to live with insurgent families in Iraq.
- A law called the Helen Thomas Concealment Act, which requires all elderly female journalists to wear veils in public.
- A constitutional amendment requiring that any President-elect with a "foreign-sounding" name must change his (or her) legal name to "Bruce" prior to taking the oath of office.