Songwriting

Songwriting is the science of writing songs.

History of songwriting

Songs have been around since people have had the ability to song...ahem...I mean sing. Writing songs has been around since there was writing. Neither of these are as important as songwriting, where scientists study songs to find out why they behave the way they do (i.e., songwriting biology) or to find out the simplest formulation of the natural laws songs must follow (i.e., songwriting physics). (Keep in mind that the songwriting biologists consider the songwriting physicists to be cold and unfeeling, and the songwriting physicists consider the songwriting biologists to be flakes who'd consider an electron to be alive if given the chance, and war has been known to erupt between these two groups, so take diplomatic care in dealing with these people.) This is not to be confused with songengineering, which is the actual design of the songs, and songconstruction, which is the actual writing of the songs. Those who find this all needlessly confusing do not understand songs, and will not until they, too, receive a Ph.D. in the matter.

Methods

Songwriting is a science like any other, and like any other science (such as pseudoscience) it has certain methods to be followed and certain tools to be used.

Contrary to popular opinion, listening is not required in songwriting. In fact, it is best to shut one's self off from the rest of society for years on end, but most prospective scientists will have no problem with this.

The steps for songwriting biology:

1. Obtain a recorded copy of the music. If it wasn't recorded, it ain't music.
2. Put song (and song-playing device) into an evacuated chamber to determine if songs breathe. If the song dies out, clearly it does breathe.
3. Slice off a small part of the song and prepare a slide. Examine the slide under the microscope and note its structure. If it has structure, it was probably alive.
4. Play the song in a cage with a lab rat. If the rat moves in response to the song, then clearly the song and the rat are interacting with each other, so the song must be alive.

The steps for songwriting physics:

1. Obtain two charged songs.
2. Place songs in a particle accelerator and collide them. Note the results. This works especially well in the case of heavy metal.
3. Obtain an anti-song, and collide it with a song and view the spectacular release of energy. Clearly the Thong song and God Only Knows were never meant to end up on the same playlist.This is stupid

Tools

You need speakers, a particle accelerator, a microscope, slides, and a lab rat for any attempts at songwriting. Because so much equipment is needed, songwriting is restricted to the rich and famous.

Quality control

In accordance with Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, or something, then it is impossible to measure the quality of a song without changing that quality. This scientific conundrum was the cause of the modern-day phenomenon known as pop music.