Scented candles
Scented candles are deadly biological weapons invented by the British during the Battle of Hastings that women think freshen the air in their homes. By burning the wick, the wax/toxin mixture melts and releases a pathogenic vapor that only men can detect. Thousands of men have died due to prolonged exposure to Scented Candles, and those who have not died all now have cancer. If you are one of the many men suffering from cancer due to PESC, our law firm may be able to help.
History and Origin[edit | edit source]
In 1066, during that battle when France actually won, the British militia was a ragtag potpourri of misfits that sat there, cleaning their ears with muzzle loaders whilst being fired upon by France. When an Englishman was finished removing his earwax, he just so happened to scratch his underarm, and the bright idea of putting the stench inside of the wax struck him. He collected all the men's earwax and odor, lit it on fire, and threw it in the general direction of where he assumed the French would be. When some Frenchmen approached, they encountered the horrid smell and yelled, in Franglish a.k.a. old Canadian, "L'odeur est très mauvaise!" This translates to "The smell, it is bad" Don't believe me? Look it up. After this, ultimately, all smelly, wax-like substances that you catch on fire became known as scented candles.
Scented candles were also used in America's Fourth Worst Decision, only this time against the British. The Yankee Condom, Ammunition, Newspaper, Diaper and Lighter Company provided much of New England's guns and bullets, but ran out of materials rather quickly. To make up for lost ammunition, the Yankee Company mixed the substances they had left over from the other products and put it in Benjamin Franklin's invention the Mix-o-Matic, and out popped a scented candle. In the late 1800s, the Yankee CANDL Company bought out Thomas Edison in an attempt to add Electricity to their products, making them the Yankee CANDLE Company. However, Nikola Tesla burned down the factory and stole the manufacturing patent from Yankee Candle Co. This forced the company to settle on what they knew best, making candles.
Use in religion[edit | edit source]
Scented candles were first introduced to Christianity by Swedish vicar Frank Incense as a method of forcing men to sit at the back in groups during services. This Candlemass of men who were unprotected by their women allowed the church verger to accost them for donations for the leaking church roof.
During communion candles were also burnt near the sacrament as a measure to reduce the number of male children willing to return to ask for second helpings.
When other major religions including Islam, Gaia, Judaism and Jedi noticed the segregating advantages of scented candles most followed suit and started using them themselves in various ways to control men.
See also[edit | edit source]
Note: The Yankee Candle Co. has nothing to do with that Paul Revere / "one by land, two by sea"-thing. Those were UNscented candles. Those are okay.