Ryan Phillippe
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|---|---|
 Ryan Phillippe, several years prior to receiving the Pencil Award | |
| Born |
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| Occupation | Actor, Museum Curator, Pencil Award Laureate |
| Known for | Receiving the Pencil Award on The Eric Andre Show |
| Spouse(s) | Reese Witherspoon (m. 1999–1999) |
| Children | 3 |
Ryan Phillippe (born Rhiann Philllipppeé on September 10, 1974) is an American actor and museum curator best known for winning the prestigious Pencil Award on The Eric Andre Show. After graduating as valedictorian from Delaware High School on Delaware Street in Delaware (a US state bordering Pennsylvania), he came to prominence once he received the Pencil Award for Best Actor.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Phillippe was born in Delaware, notably already dreaming of one day holding a Pencil Award. He spent his formative years writing with various pencils and preparing for an acting career that would eventually lead him to his peak: the Pencil Award ceremony hosted by Eric Andre.
Phillippe grew up as a ward of the state, in an environment destitute of clean clothes but adequately supplied with pencils. It was during his early years that he was exposed to an excessive quantity of lead, due to the lead paint used in orphanages built during the 1960s. You thought it was from the pencils, didn't you. "Lead pencils" are made with graphite, not lead, you fucking idiot.
Despite his lead poisoning, Phillippe was very popular amongst his high school friends. Whenever anyone was in need of a pencil, you could rely on him to have at least two dozen spares with him at any given time. He never carried an eraser, and was known to never correct mistakes he wrote, even when typing on a computer as he was not aware of the "Del" key. His popularity led him to become valedictorian, and his valedictory speech was a lecture on the appropriate use of the various grades of lead pencils varying from 6H to 6B. He was also shockingly voted "least likely to receive the Pencil Award for Best Actor", but this did not weaken his resolve.
Career[edit | edit source]
Pre-Pencil Award Era (1992–2016)[edit | edit source]
Before receiving his Pencil Award, Phillippe appeared in several films that nobody remembers because they contained very few, if any, pencils. Nobody knows why Phillippe took these roles given their lack of pencils, many have speculated that he was financially exploited by the state of Delaware (of which he is a ward) to fund the copious supply of pencils needed to administer all the Delaware corporations, including The Cartoon Network Incorporated, which is known for airing the Adult Swim programming block, notably featuring The Eric Andre Show, on which Phillippe later appeared twice.
Phillippe is good friends with the performer will.i.am, the lead singer of Outkast, who approached him in 2004 about appearing in a music video for their song Imma Get A Divorce. Phillippe believed this appearance would actively hinder his chances of receiving a Pencil Award, so he initially declined, but relented because he owed will.i.am money for ketamine and pencils and wasn't able to pay. There were no pencils featured in this music video, as will.i.am considers literacy to be Haram.
Before winning the Pencil Award, Phillippe appeared on The Eric Andre Show, and in a major upset, did not receive even a single Pencil Award despite his widely praised live musical performance with Russell Brand. He vowed to return in the following season, and Eric Andre graciously invited him back.
The Pencil Award (2016)[edit | edit source]
“Let me give you the, uh, Pencil Award for Best Actor.”
– Eric Andre, presenting the Pencil Award
In what experts call "one of the moments of all television history," Phillippe appeared on The Eric Andre Show for a second time, and was presented with the Pencil Award. Upon receiving the Pencil Award, Phillippe ascended to Pencil laureate, the highest honor that can be bestowed upon a Delawarean, and therefore anyone on Earth. When asked about receiving his Pencil Award, Phillippe reportedly didn't say anything because he was immediately interrupted before he could answer.
Post-Pencil Award Era (2016–Present)[edit | edit source]
Since receiving his Pencil Award, Phillippe has retired from acting. Much like Usain Bolt after winning gold in the 100m, 200m, and 4x100m at three consecutive summer Olympics, Phillippe had nothing left to prove. He now lives in Bellingham, Washington, as far away from Delaware as he could possibly be without leaving the continental United States, where he collects pencils and curates the local pencil museum.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Phillippe was previously married to Reese Witherspoon, who has never won a Pencil Award, which was the main factor contributing to their divorce. Phillippe instantly married Witherspoon upon her falsely claiming to have won the Pencil Award for Best Supporting Actress, but divorced her approximately five hours after their marriage and four hours after conceiving their two children when she failed to show him the award. She now practices a lesbian lifestyle and scores 4 out of 6 on the Sir William Penn scale for homosexuality.
When asked to name every single actress he had slept with, Phillippe remained silent, implying both of his children with Witherspoon were fertilized in-vitro.
Accolades[edit | edit source]
| Year | Group | Award | Result |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2016 | Pencil Award | Best Actor | Won |