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Yeah, yeah, I know.
...Shut the hell up, Rutabaga lovers out there.

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

The Rutabaga[edit]

Shut up, Rutabaga whores.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain. The rutabaga is not exactly interesting in and of itself, but its history is slightly interesting. What interesting things does Wikipedia have to say?

Oh man, don't we feel sorry for the chumps over at Wikipedia, writing about rutabagas? What a fucking waste of time! Look at it! The article is, like, 5 pages long! ...about RUTABAGAS. What could anyone possibly have to say about Rutabagas?

Okay, I just googled "Rutabaga"[edit]

752 thousand hits?! Why in god's name are people talking about Rutabagas? Seriously, what kind of recipes would you have for this? It's a cross between two bland vegetables plus Sweden?

Why are you here, reading about Rutabagas?[edit]

Screw you, Rutabaga fondlers.

How bored are you? Lord, I need to find something entertaining to write about. This job sucks. I don't know a god damned thing about rutabagas. I hate my bosses, too. Those assholes better fire me before I tell the public about... well, they know.

You know, I didn't ALWAYS have a job writing about Rutabagas[edit]

I used to be an expert on otters, but noooo I thought Rutabagas tasted better. Boy was I wrong. I wish I could somehow take back these 25 years of my life! I hate being a rutabaga expert, even if it DOES pay 10 bucks an hour. I hate rutabagas. You know, they aren't as entertaining as they sound... seriously: they aren't as entertaining as they sound. They are soooo fucking boring. As far as guarding your home goes, I wouldn't count on a rutabaga as far as I could throw em. ...I miss my television. And forget about becoming a famous "Rutabaga Expert": there's already 19 of 'em, and they're all "world renowned".

Oh, what a surprise! When I Google "Rutabaga Expert" there's only 4 hits! What the hell? There's a blog devoted to Rutabagas? I hope they die!

I hate Rutabagas[edit]

Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.

If rutabagas were an actor/actress, they would be Paris Hilton but without the looks. Oh man, I've had this damn Rutabaga Analyst job for so long, I'm starting to dream about them. Do you know what that's like? Dreaming about rutabagas is more boring than sleep (which leads to existential problems when I start dreaming about dreaming, but that's a different article).


I even hate the word "Rutabaga". No matter how many times I say it per day, it never gets any better. It's not even spelled like it sounds! ROOT-A-BAY-GA, dammit. I hate you too, Oxford English Dictionary.

Curse you, reader of this article[edit]

Why did you read this long? Did you expect a complete going over of Rutabagas? They're small and white like your--


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