Robbie Fowler

Fowler on Fowler: "Being a model was never really an option. So I played football, like."

Robbie Fowler (born 9 April 1975 in Toxteth, Liverpool, England) is an English footballer who enjoyed one of the most promising careers in the sport's history before succumbing to the lure of narcotics and watching his career nosedive into obscurity. He later became a professional nosediver.

Early Career

Robbie began his career at Liverpool FC and quickly established himself in the first team in spite of his unpleasant looks and slightly unsavoury odour (team-mate Phil Babb was quoted as saying he smelt "like old knickers"). He scored a hattrick on his debut against Luton Town in 1993. In his acclaimed autobiography, "Falling Fowl", he described the feeling after his first game.

"It was like a dream, like. I mean I was just an ordinary Scouser from the wrong side of the tracks and suddenly I was scoring goals for the best club in the World like. I went out that evening and just got wasted, like. If I'd known then what would become of me like, I would never have put that shit up me nose like. If only I would of stayed home watching brookside like every other rat in this city, then things may av been different like."

Excerpt from Chapter 2, rather distastefully named "Mein Kampf".

Robbie went on to enjoy more success with Liverpool, scoring an obscene amount of goals, snorting an obscene amount of cocaine and reportedly nailing Emma Bunton.

"Not bad for a Scouse Twat(that title of his second autobiography)"

Excerpt from Chapter 5, 'The Glory Hole Years'.

Leeds United

Fowler's coke habit became apparent to then Liverpool boss Benito Mussolini after he turned up to training wearing large sunglasses, chain-smoking a pack of Woodbines and ranting about the potholes on Merseyside roads. Team-mate Neil Ruddock said it was "obvious when we noticed that half his nose was missing and saw he'd ground his teeth into his gums. I mean, the man made ME look sober!". Fowler was hastily sold to joke club Leeds United where he struggled for form and only managed a single goal, a bizarre fluke against Walton & Hersham in the FA Cup where the ball became lodged in his nose, allowing him to simply walk over the goal-line. Fowler later said it was the worst spell of his career.

"I was buzzing like. But off the coke. The football was shit."

Excerpt from Chapter 8, 'Nose Bleeds in Leeds'.

Manchester City

Following Leeds financial meltdown, Fowler was sold to Manchester City for a complete set of Premier League 94 album stickers, a barely used Renault and two tickets to see 'We Will Rock You' in the West End. His spell at Manchester City was unmemorable but somebody commented that he looked better in sky blue; it bought out his eyes and filled him out a bit. Alegations of sexual abuse were commonplace throughout his time in Manchester, as Supreme Master Noel and Sidekick Liam hired Robbie for rent at least twice a week, for unknown sexual acts. "The lads at City were great, like."

Excerpt from Chapter 11, 'Is anybody still reading this?'.

Liverpool Again

In 2005, it was discovered that several of Liverpool FC's canteen staff, groundsmen, directors, players and shareholders had purchased cocaine from Fowler during his first spell at the club. Fowler, now utterly useless as a footballer and permenantly off his face, blackmailed the club into buying him again and then forced the manager, Barry from Eastenders to play him, reportedly holding him at gunpoint and watching him write the team-sheet in his own blood and tears.

"I had that club wrapped around my little finger, like. I used to bring hookers into the dressing room... snort fat lines off of Jari Litmanen's stomach... and nobody could do a thing."

Excerpt from Chapter 15, 'Blah Blah Blah Blah'.

Nosediving Career

After failing spectacuarly to achieve anything at Liverpool, Fowler finally left them alone, signing part-time for Cardiff City and simultaneously persueing a career in nosediving, a sport which he invented and still runs to the present day. Nosediving is the act of royally screwing up your career whilst taking as much cocaine as possible. Other participants include the current World champion Kate Moss, runner-up Amy Winehouse, Angus Deaton, Michael Jackson and the Pope. Fowler has recently declared that he is kicking the dope and starting his own nosediving academy.

"I hope that one day people will say 'he wasn't that bad', like. If not then fuck them, I made a fucking fortune and did a bunch of drugs!"

Excerpt from Chapter 20, 'Onwards and Downwards'.

See also

• Liverpool FC