Barry from Eastenders
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“I want a pet Barry From EastEnders.”
“It was a wild Barry From EastEnders that caused my downfall, not Bush!”
Barry From EastEnders was a mythical creature dating from around 917 AD. Rumour has it, that it is still alive this very day, and can often be seen in pantomimes, or Job Centres up and down the country. It is rare to spot Barry From EastEnders, as it is very easily scared.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
The creature's appearance has often been described as not dissimilar to that of a trolls: short, chubby, balding, and slimy. The hair on its knees has worn away because of all the scuttling through caves at night.
Diet[edit | edit source]
Barry From EastEnders feeds mostly on:
- large foxes
- cats
- dogs
- beans
- Dot Cotton
It has been know for the creature to adopt cannibalism.
Special note regarding Dot Cotton: as there is only one existing Dot Cotton in the universe, the Barry From EastEnders has a somewhat ritualistic feeding method. The Barry From EastEnders indulges only sparingly on Dot Cotton when they meet, thus leaving Dot Cotton alive and almost certainly quoting That Old Book. This ingenious method prolongs Dot Cotton, and has done so for many centuries. It is not known whether Dot Cotton enjoys this act, as it is a very impartial and non'judgemental being.
Charity Work[edit | edit source]
The NSBFE (National Save Barry From Eastenders) is a charity dedecated in getting Barry From EastEnders work in any form of industry.
Please help this charity's vital work: if you are a factory owner, or a pimp, please get in touch.
Origins[edit | edit source]
It is believed that its mother was an over-fed gypsy from the outskirts of Winnersh who went on to sell Barry From EastEnders because it 'ate too much'. It was bought by the producers of EastEnders after it was noticed that its name fitted in well with the series; and so seven years of everyone laughing at [not with] Barry From EastEnders ensued. It did not know his father, although many people have come forward including the likes of Nelson Mandela and Robert Lindsay, but no one has been proven to be the genuine father of Barry From EastEnders.
Future Plans for Barry From EastEnders[edit | edit source]
After watching Barry From EastEnders on Z-List Celebrity Fame Acadamy: Oh Yes, Another God-Awful Reality TV Show, Where We Couldn't Even Get Real Celebrities Because We're Skint, the directors of London Zoo are looking to purchase it. (You may be wondering how a creature like Barry From EastEnders [wild and savage, yet to be toilet-trained] got on to a series like that?
Strict security measures were in place:
- Barry From EastEnders was chained to the stage at all times.
- it was semi-sedated by a shot of urine from Keith Richards.
(However, it was this point that caused controversy among viewers. Critics say the semi-sedation severely numbed the performance of Barry From EastEnders, reducing its rendition of "Y.M.C.A." to mere screams, growls and yelps. Other fans say they did not notice the difference.)
- Barry From EastEnders was kept fully fed on a vegetarian diet thoroughout the period, avoiding the severing or mauling of audience members' limbs. It was here that disaster stuck; on the fifth edition, Barry From EastEnders ate Jade Goody. Reassurringly, nobody cares.
Barry From EastEnders was crowned third in the dire contest, and immediately after filming, was chased into the wilderness surrounding BBC Television Centre, London, by two employees of London Zoo. They were dressed in khakhi British Military Uniform from the Boer War, and armed with butterfly nets. They wanted to put Barry From EastEnders in a cage. The poor sod.
According to record, Barry From EastEnders lost the persuers just outside North Peckham. No one has seen or heard it since.
There is very little knowledge about the next idiotic way Barry From EastEnders will break into stardom.
Speculation says that Barry From EastEnders is set to appear in Bi's and Ho's in a carboard box (in the West End) in the near future, starring as a mole named Phil.
Concern Over Health[edit | edit source]
Although Barry From EastEnders is wild, fat, and about as funny as Ian Hislop, the nation has grown attatched to the podgy little beast. If you have seen it, or know of its whereabouts, or infact you are Barry From EastEnders (we are watching you! Although it is illiterate, so could not be reading this), then please, for God's Sake, get in touch.
Otherwise Bob Geldof will get involed, and Phil Collins will write another damn song about it.