Reader's Digest
“Quite simply a tide of filth that I love to boogie board in”
“I love it's absorptive qualities, it soaked up a whole hours work”
Reader's Digest is the longest standing journal devoted to execrations from the human body whose motto 'what goes down must come out (preferable as a fountain of filth).' Although hugely popular as a magazine and absorptive material (due to the predilections of its readers it was thoughtfully printed on kitchen roll) since its founding it has run into trouble in recent years. Scandal and over expansion of the franchise often into wildly inappropriate markets such as the highly reactionary college and university market has resulted in the staff taking up side jobs as extreme fetish sex workers. For many years the best read magazine in the world and in some countries such as Kyrgyzstan still remains so, it was recently overtaken by 'Scatological Monthly' although many accord this to the latter's shock value over the relatively conservative Reader's Digest and suggest Reader's Digest will regain its crown possibly by a shitting and vomiting contest. The paper is famous for its specialist, advice and 'can you make us gag?' sections as well as its world famous 'scratch and find yourself incapacitated' smell pieces.
Early History[edit | edit source]
Founded by collaboration in 1753 by the mad monk and libertine Demetrius 'the Fuck off that's just awful you sick bastard ... no just go ... please leave you've really befouled my carpet' Adulamus and his only slightly madder mistress Hortence 'give me a fiver and I'll do anything' de Chunderly they originally wanted to launch the magazine in Europe but after an altercation with the authorities involving an out of control sex machine in the Italian lakes that left 78 people dead and the drapes ruined they fled to America. It was here they found the most receptive market for their unique concoction of people hurling their guts, pissing uncontrollably, shitting in extremis and evacuating all their bodily fluids in general. The two were fascinated by the process of entry and evacuation of materials entering the body and this became the heart of Reader's Digest. The magazine expanded wildly and transformed society with its liberal fun loving celebration of the pursuits of pleasure and their potential consequences. Reader's Digest thus led directly to the American Revolution by transforming the way people viewed society. Famously when Britain introduced the Stamp Act and taxed Reader's Digest over 110,000 turds in a bag were left on the doorstep of the Governor General and set on fire to protest the increased cost of the magazine, the cost of shoes to the British government directly led to its downfall. The magazine's outrageously satirical cartoons of revolutionary figures excreting and queefing on the face of King George are now legendary. George Washington was famously extremely proud of the wood etchings he sent in every week of him squatting over dead red coats and is the earliest imagery of scat that exists. This began a long tradition of American Presidents with Jefferson sending in actual samples allowing many to get their own Jefferson vomit chunklet when handed out free with the magazine. The magazine was directly responsible for the election of President Taft when it ran the article 'Taft loves a good shaft but leaves his arse (American trans. ass) in half' which allowed people to see the lighter anal sex loving side of Taft and helped humanise him by showing the terrible after effects he had keep faeces in. It was not however always on the side of politicians and famously broke the Watergate story showing Nixon to have problems with incontinence thus breaking his hard man image and ruining him.
The Digest Today (mainly sausages thanks for asking)[edit | edit source]
Nowadays the Reader's Digest is popular around the world being translated in to 740 languages including Chuck Norris, Mons Calamari and Moon Urtish. ]It's widespread family audience mean it is read on the breakfast tables everywhere often resulting in the breakfast returning, giving more material to the magazine in a beautiful cycle. Its agony aunt sections are legendary helping answer such questions as 'why does my arse have a terrible burning sensation after a curry? (answer Indians are naturally crafty people and thus created food that would make the white man regret eating so much of our spice via his rectum)' and 'why is my shit the size of a bear paw? (answer you may have eaten a bear).' However the expansion into so many markets has left the Digest overstretched and at times these ventures have failed completely, the moon urts for example are entities of psychological matter and thus find no interest in the digestive tract and in France where natural states of hygiene also mean they have no interest in such things as they live in it all the time. However in Germany it remains the most popular publication around and has led to scatology becoming the highest form of culture, in fact Reader's Digest pioneered the widespread German trend of coffee table parties where the hosts defecate on a glass table while the remainder sit underneath and masturbate. It is however heavily opposed by right wing groups such as student unions who regard the humour as highly purile and undermining to society as a whole. Attempts to create an edition to placate this market was met with mass burning of the magazine in campuses worldwide. In contrast it has made inroads into the Arabic market in recent times with its 'make an excretion diorama of the revelation of Muhammad' proving wildly popular with the winning entry from a Mr Al-Zawahiri presenting a sculptured cave of regurgitated matter and the Prophet constructed from those little bits of carrot that are always there.
Scandal[edit | edit source]
In recent years the Digest has also seen readership drop through scandalous revelations which have rocked the institution. Beloved by the elderly the Digest was accused of exploiting this affection by claiming that for only a one off payment of $238.50 entry to a prize draw for Rick Astley's bottled piss and lower colon you would almost certainly win and at the very least get some of Sinitta's stomach bile. There were in fact no prizes as the editor had drunk Astley's urine in the hope it would give him superpowers and nobody had even bothered to find out whether Sinitta was still alive (current status: still unknown). The company was also accused of faking a coffee table book of 'Feculence Pressings from the 20th Century' when many copies turned out to have samples containing only 12% feacal matter, the remainder was made up of Nickleback's latest single however only extreme scientific research was able to find the difference.
Ownership,Famous Readers and Similar Publications[edit | edit source]
Although Rupert Murdoch is a massive fan of the Cleveland steamer, the practice of shitting on a chest then rubbing it around with one's posterior, he was unable to acquire Reader's Digest leaving it the last true bastion of honest journalism in the western world. Murdoch's profuse cocaine habit and tendency to stab uncontrollably left the editors and staff doubting whether he was the right man for their paper, not to mention his rabid fascism and the problems with sending communiques to hell and Mordor where he largely alternates between. Currently it is owned by two majority shareholders, R. Kelly and the Catholic Church, both well noted for their love of slightly unusual sexual practices and enjoyment of using excrement in their leisure time. Other famous readers include the Queen, Adolf Hitler (well known for his love of golden showers), Mr. T (purely for research reasons), Japan and of course its worth mentioning R Kelly again because he loves this kind of thing so much he buys 45% of every months circulation on account of the other 44.999999% getting far too soggy and breaking apart.
Other similar publications have tried to emulate it over the years including Sploosh, Turd Farmer Weekly and most notably the Sun. Although the Sun has come close there is only one real competitor to Digest and that is 'Scatological Monthly,' an slightly more specialised and in depth look at only the one end of the process Digest focusses on. It has taken the family friendly element of Digest and made it much more edgy sometimes controversially when a stunt went wrong and Glenn Beck drowned in his own excrement.