Ray Liotta
“I’m not crazy, but if you say that again I’ll cut you.”
Ray Liotta (Born Raisin Liotta) was/is/will be a cybernetic android created by several large corporations in the year 2484 when a McHappy Meal® falls into a sub-atomic Neurowhatzit™ synthesizer. His primary function was/is/will be to make that GIF you send your friends when one of them says something so stupid it's hilarious.
Career[edit | edit source]
Soon after his creation, Ray was sent back to the 20th Century. He quickly decided that he needed to find himself in the most evil industry known to mankind – so he moved to Hollywood. While he possessed stunningly good looks, as an android he was not a very talented actor and found himself typecast as "a generic psycho". He became famous for actually dying in all his movies (even when the script didn't call for it), and being replaced by an identical android who would copy his memories. This was not always successful; after Operation Dumbo Drop nobody bothered to tell the new Ray about the pile of shit the old Ray was left in after being humorously trampled.
Objectives[edit | edit source]
In his autobiography, My Life as a Parahumanoid Cybernetic Creature, Ray Liotta explains that his base programming contains three objectives:
- To add up all numbers from one to infinity,
- To star in GoodFellas, and
- To obliterate all persons named Sarah Connor and, while he's at it, figure out why he's in the wrong film anyway.
Ray has, as of 2022, completed only one of these objectives, but is believed to be making good progress on the other two.
It is highly likely that Ray Liotta is/will be/was/could be the catalyst for the world's first temporal paradox, destroying all matter in the known Universe.
Poppycock[edit | edit source]
- Ray Liotta is widely regarded as the poor man's David Hasselhoff.
- Ray Liotta lost a beat-boxing contest to Barry White.