Goodfellas
Goodfellas is a fictional tale about a man named Ray Liotta, played by Henry Hill. The movie is centered around the core belief of the mafia, long ass fucking nicknames and follows a man who couldn't be given a long ass fucking name because he had some Irish in him. Goodfellas follows his life through the good and the bad. It's best not to mention who wrote this article, or say that this article ever existed or this movie. What article? I don't see an article? GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!!! Anyway Goodfellas is a movie that was inspired by some guy's book.[1] I think it was called ... dumb guy, or maybe it was stupid rich criminal Italian guy turned crack addicted loser. Like I said it doesn't really matter. All that matters is how many assholes there are in this movie.[2]
Plot[edit | edit source]
Ray Liotta was exposed to the gangster life by his best friend, former child actor Anthony "The Tony" Soprano. Tony was a full-blooded Italian so he could be made, while poor Ray was left behind in the dust. But that didn't stop him from leaving a legacy behind. He started his life in the mafia when he was five, delivering IEDs to the Taliban for his boss Paulie <insert long ass nickname here> Vario. Paulie began treating young Ray as though he was a member of his family. He often introduced him as his "nephew" which explains what those two were doing in the closet. Soon Ray had blossomed into a succesful man – he had a wife, lots of money and was on top of the world until ... he went to prison. He spent 6½ years in jail, where he met up again with Tony Soprano, who for some reason had chosen the fake New Jersey mob over the real one. The two men soon became cellmates and later sold drugs "inside".
In the uncut version of Goodfellas, Ray "dropped the soap" and Tony "helped him pick it up". When Ray got out, he returned to his life of crime. He and Joe Barbaro ruled the streets with an iron fist until ... wait a minute, fuck what I just said, that's Mafia 2. Obviously America's way of pounding our prisoners in the ass failed to reform Mister Liotta. After a while Ray got used to the people around him being real men, and whacking the shit out of people who disrespected them. He even quoted himself: "Yeah, murder is one of those things you get used to. I never did it. You see I didn't have the balls, 'cause if I did kill some people I might haven't of had to become an informant FUCK!" Ray also began selling drugs. He himself became addicted, and then a bunch of people got killed because of the Ludicrous heist, I think it was like thirteen people that got whacked and Tony Soprano killed them all. (What a dick.) According to a hooker, bodies were popping up on every corner, and taking my BUSINESS! Ray then showed what a coward he was because a helicopter followed him around for a day, and the crank he'd been smoking made him paranoid so he went to the police and told them everything. And then a bunch of boring witness protection shit happened and I fell asleep, but I'm sure that part of the movie wasn't important.
Cast[edit | edit source]
Henry Hill[edit | edit source]
After much thought on whom to cast for the part of Ray Liotta, they decided on Henry hill, because Liotta said the actor HAD to be uglier than him and Hill was the only mannish creature they could find. Hill graciously accepted the job offer to play Liotta. Hill thought this would be a great opportunity for him to get his name out there, but sadly (or maybe not depending on how you look at things) we never see Hill again. Some say he disappeared, others say he went into witness protection, still others say if you squint hard enough at the sun for about six hours, you can see his disgusting face.
Paulie <insert long ass fucking name here> Vario[edit | edit source]
Paulie was the underwear of the Lucheese family, and the man who gave the thirteen murder orders. I remember he was fat, and seemed really nice in the movie. But still, that's a lot of dead people no matter how you spin it. Thanks to Ray, Paulie got life but soon died of a heart attack – so I'd say Ray Liotta really did kill someone – a nice old man – by sending him to jail.
Tony Soprano[edit | edit source]
Tony has a much more interesting story. He also was sentenced to life in prison, and somehow managed to fake his own death. He put a dummy in a hearse and escaped it, and fled to New Jersey where he became the king of the mafia, and starred in the documentary The Sopranos. However, tragedy struck as he was sitting in a restaurant one day, and in mid-sentence the TV cut to black. Doctors say "We'll probably never know what that sentence will be." They think that shock kicked in, and now he's as good as dead. He just sits in the dark trying to finish his sentence.
Box office[edit | edit source]
Goodfellas made a lot of cash. Most of it went to pay off people "whose reputations had been hurt".
