RS Cleaning Units
“Didn't Bill Clinton have one of these?”
RS Cleaning Units (or "Room Service" as they are called in most of continental Canadia) are captured citizens from oversea countries you have never heard of (and Texas) used to work in either Carnival or Royal Caribbean cruise ships, Disney World, or in the homes of megalomaniacal citizens in the USA. Contrary to popular belief, RS Cleaning units are neither robots, nor borgs; they are the shell of what was once a living human being. In fact, the only difference between a human and a RS unit are a human's ability of free will, ability to love, and the choice of whether or not to commit the act of NAMBLA.
*Please refer to the nigga stole my bike article for more detail.
The Most Popular Method of Capture
Although many methods of capture have been recorded over time, the most common is the "false rescue" method. This method, created by Oprah in order to gain more cameramen for her show, is the most popular method of capture only slightly above old-fashoined kidnap, and the ice cream truck method. The "false rescue" method is usually used on the sea but we've heard conformation from users such as this guy that it is very useful in New York City, New York.
The false rescue method consists of a cruise ship coming across a drown victim or a help seaking foreign boat. The cruise ship then refuses to rescue them unless they agree to work on said cruise ship for the rest of their life. Although this may seem like an escape, it is actually a form of slavery quite homogenous to that of working at Apple.
Other Forms of RS Unit Capture
- Threatening (blackmail?)
- Soviet Russia joke excess
- Convincing them with an army of grue
- Believing in global warming
- Convincing the unit that everyone is doing it
- Throwing an American dollar into the place the unit is to work
- Threating to bring Michael back to the country (only works with Europeans)
- Attacking units family with a grue
- Threatening to ask more than a Yes or No question in English
- Offer of free toiletries for life
- Something Eurg related
Types of RS Units
Even though all RS Units are experienced in the art of cleaning, there is a certain rank to each model:
- Droid: Usually very primal. The only programmed phrase on its C drive are "I clean". Their mastery of the English language is only slightly worse than Dick Cheney's accuracy.
- Waiter: These are more advanced. They are programmed to clean large expanses of area.
- Cook: Not only can it cook but it can clean up its mess at lightning speeds (not to be confused with Janitor Man's lightning fast cleaning).
- Steward: These are very experienced in sentence structure and command all Droids on a single floor.
Methods of Conversion
Immediately after the future RS Unit is captured or convinced to join the crew, they are not yet ready for the services of tourists. First and foremost, they are taken to the ship's educational facility (floor zero on most ships) and forced to entirely lose their sense of individuality, their unique culture, and strange addiction to David Hasselhoff in order to make room for more useful information such as exactly how far away you are from shore, what time it is, and the correct technique in cleaning a room.
In order to make room for such an immense amount of information, old information has to be deleted usually by formating their C Drive, converting them to Mac, or by beating them with a blunt object. After being converted thus far, they no longer require their cultural and colorful names such as Halima, Rico Suave, and Sanjaya and are replaced with a serial number and average names such as Jessica, Jeff, Michael, or John.
If a loved one of yours is lives in a third world country such as Estonia or Jamaica and you haven't heard from them in a while, there's a good chance they've been captured and forced to work on a cruise ship or any other tourist area. If you happen to come across them while on a cruise you can de-program them very simply by using one of the following methods:
- Call them by their birth name
- Re-format their C: Drive and start their education over
- Hit them with a more blunt object
- Sanjaya's Majestic Voice
- Grue Torture
Note: Re-formatting an RS Unit with a serial number above #CA-005 is nearly impossible unless he is running on an Apple proccessor. With Window's, a lot of zeroes and ones are involed...maybe an occasional two...
Also check the HowTo section for "How to cope with RS Unit Conversion".