Presidential Range
“Hey, this looks like a nice day to go for a hike!”
“Fuck you!”
The Presidential Range is the shortest mountain range in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. With its highest point of 6,288 feet (figure it out yourself meters) thousands of hikers visit the range each year, only to get buried in 20 feet of July snow.[1]
Overview[edit | edit source]
A roughly 15-mile-long ridge, the Southern Presidentials are much lower than the rest of the range, seperated by the much higher Northern Presidentials by the badly placed Mount Washington. The range, and specifically Mount Washington, is home to some of the most bullshit weather in the word. Seriously, snow in August? Did a chunk of Antarctica get dragged up to New Hampshire?
The Southern Presidentials[edit | edit source]
Mount Webster[edit | edit source]
The eastern giant fucking wall of Crawford Notch, Mount Webster is the ass of the range, and is also Mount Jackson's bitch. Steeply rising nobody cares feet above the Saco River, absolutely nobody cares about this one, except for people hiking every summit, who are few and far between.
Mount Jackson[edit | edit source]
The second mountain on the range, Mount Jackson is the tailbone of the range, and is Mount Pierce/Clinton's bitch. flatter than a plank in Kansas, Jackson is barely a mountain, and nobody cares about this one either.
Mount Eisenhower[edit | edit source]
The third one nobody cares about, Eisenhower has some nice views, even though it doesn't rise that high above the ridge. Still Mount Monroe's bitch, because Franklin fucking whiffed on the let's be an actual mountain game.
Mount Franklin[edit | edit source]
This is the worst one. It rises maybe 20 feet above the ridge. It doesn't have any unique views. This is the entire range's bitch. Fuck you, Mount Franklin.
Mount Monroe[edit | edit source]
Now we're getting to the good ones. Monroe has a lake TWO LAKES, awesome views, and it rises quite some way above the ridge. Still Washington's bitch.
Mount Washington[edit | edit source]
This is the mac-daddy of the range. Everybody is this one's bitch. That includes you. You too, Lafayette! You think Carrigan, Hancock, the Twins, Bond, and the Willey Range are gonna keep you safe? Think again, bitch!
Tuckerman Ravine[edit | edit source]
World-famous[look it up yourself] for spring skiing, Tuckerman Ravine (also known as Tucks and Tux by people who don't know better) is probably the most famous feature of the mountain, bar the Cog Railway, Auto Road, summit buildings, weather...
Sometimes they close the whole thing down because ONE PERSON[2] fell in a giant crack that WAS BLATANTLY OBVIOUS, so everybody has to wait until it opens again. There's also this snow arch thingy that forms and fucks up morons who stand under it.[3]
Raymond Cataract[edit | edit source]
There used to be a trail. Now there isn't. Nobody cares.
Huntington Ravine[edit | edit source]
Fuck that's steep. Some chick in the 30s fell 800 feet down in here and lived, but it fucked up her speech so bad it almost would have been better if she died. Ski here and you'll fucking die.
Cog Railway[edit | edit source]
Stupidly old and rickety trains (see MBTA) that somehow manage to climb 3 miles up a mountain several times every day. Don't ask me how they do it-I don't know. One time in the 1920s or something the first train broke a gear, flew off the tracks and exploded. Killed a guy. All in all a great show.
Auto Road[edit | edit source]
Literally just a road. Expensive as fuck. Just do 302 through Crawford Notch. Way better views and costs nothing.
Northern Presidentials[edit | edit source]
Mount Clay[edit | edit source]
Who says this is a mountain? It's literally just a little hump just north of Washington. This one is almost Franklin-level[4] bitchiness.
Mount Jefferson[edit | edit source]
Basically Mount Washington Lite. Still a cool mountain. The Ridge of the Caps will fuck you up, but it's well worth the effort.
Mount Adams[edit | edit source]
Which lump's the summit? Great views of literally the same things as the rest of the Northern Peaks.
Mount Madison[edit | edit source]
Sharp peak, good views.
The Great Gulf[edit | edit source]
Big-ass version of Tuckerman Ravine, but impossible to ski down.
Weather[edit | edit source]
Umm, where do I even start? This is ridiculous. Want to see views? Fuck you, inside of a cloud it is. Want to see clouds? Fuck you, views it is. Want sun? Fuck you, ice storm. Want to see ice? Fuck you. Sun it is. Sunny up there? You guessed it, fuck you, storm it is.