Pimp Drummers
“Fo' Shizzle!”
“I remember when I first saw a Pimp Drummer in action. His power, his speed...was unmatched. From that moment on, I always wanted to be a Pimp Drummer.”
“..............”
Pimp drummers were a group of really skilled percussionists originally started by Afro-American funk drummers in 1801. The original pimps were Lenny White, Alphonse Mouzon, and Billy Cobham. Since that time, many more drummers have reached the stage of "Pimp Enlightenment" where they can proudly say that their drum-kit is their bi-atch. Until recently, the existence of this group and its people have remained very top-secret.
Pimp Enlightenment[edit | edit source]
When people first learned about the Pimp Drummers, the main question asked was: "How do I reach Pimp Enlightenment?"
The pyramid answers this. The pyramid is structured with the beginners, being most numerous on the bottom, followed by Intermediate drummers, Advanced drummers, Professional drummers and then Pimp drummers which are the least numerous. One must have the highest, pimpifying skill in order to reach this.
However, even after a certain drummer has reached the amazing skill level of "Pimp", he still needs to adopt the secret method of becoming a pimp as laid out in Shakespeare's book "To be a Pimp; Elizabethan Style". Many drummers such as Chad Smith, Buddy Rich, and Mike Portnoy have made the mistake of not pimpifying and have remained at the Professional level. These people are called idiots even though they are good drummers.
Pimp Enlightenment is a feeling similar to that of Nirvana, whereby the Pimp Drummers feel all, see all, and know all. There is no reason for why they drum, it just is; it permeates life and the very fabric of the Universe. When you reach Pimp Enlightenment, there is no pain, no muscle strain, no callouses on hands, all the worries of mortal life have melted like funk from stereo speakers.
It is believed that the original three Pimp Drummers are so Pimp Enlightened that they can play their drum-kits completely by using their mind. They have gotten to such an incredible stage of mastery that the drum-kit is apart of them, as much as they're apart of their drum-kit. The author cannot stress it enough: If you are not a Pimp Drummer, don't even THINK about trying this at home (I SEE YOU THINKING ABOUT IT!); try it at school instead, kids! Some symptoms of failing to pull off the Pimp Drumming Impossible include: Brain Hemorrhages, Brain Aneurisms, Brain-Shutting-Downitis, Brain-Blowing-Upitis, Brain-<Insert-Something-Here>itis, Disconnection-from-realititis and, worst of all, a permanent case of Douchebagitis.
The Pimp Drummer Induction Ceremony[edit | edit source]
When a drummer has finally reached the stage of Pimp Enlightenment, they are contacted by means of Metronome-Code, which, using a highly complex code of pulses and polyrhythms, instructs the inductee of the time, date, and place of the next Pimp Drummer Induction ceremony. Not a lot is known about the Pimp Drummer Induction ceremony, the author has tried to tail some Pimp Drummer inductees (such as Tony Royster Jr. and Ronald Bruner Jr.), but they moved with such stealth and grace (much like how they drum) that the bloody moron lost track of them.
A recent information leak from Wikileaks has produced incredible low resolution photos of the ceremony. However, the photos are so grainy that you can't actually tell if its the Pimp Drummer Ceremony or the the Modern Drummer Festival. Word on the street, however, says that in the ceremony the great orb of THE FUNK (capitalization intended) is passed around and the inductees are given the opportunity to absorb some of THE FUNK that has been amassed by the original Pimp Drummers for centuries. The chant that is called out during the ceremony is "We Got THE FUNK", which George Clinton of Parliament used as an idea for a song.
Another part in the ceremony includes the inductee's drum solo. This is truly the final test in order to make it to Pimp Enlightenment. Each of the inductees are given 3 minutes to do a solo that would blow the balls off of your average drummer, but does not faze the Pimp Drummer due to their "Pimp Aura" (see below). After that, the Grandmaster of Pimpiliciousness, (currently Alphonse "The Fonz" Mouzon, but it changes every few years) deems whether the drum solo is pleasing to him and if so, gives the inductee his diamond covered drum-sticks which is a physical manifestation of his achievement for reaching Pimp Nirvana.
This is just a small portion of what the actual induction ceremony is like. Currently, a lot of resources from the US Department of Awesomeness are looking into the other pimpifying formalities that are done during the ceremony.
Some commonly asked questions about Pimp Drummers[edit | edit source]
Are Pimp Drummers dying out?[edit | edit source]
We don't know. No really, we don't. Since the 1800's, the numbers of pimp drummers have funktuated. Just recently, it is proven that the recent decline of Pimp Drummers can be largely blamed on global warming. Because of global warming, the plant known as Himoftius Cramatus, which can be made into crude crack and drum sticks (the main diet of Pimp Drummers), was pretty much wiped out. Many pimp drummers could not survive without their crack and drumsticks and perished while some moved to alternate food sources. Even though there is a decline, we can't be sure whether Pimp Drummers are dying out or not.
Are Pimp Drummers becoming obese and overweight?[edit | edit source]
This is a nasty rumor being spread by people who couldn't become pimp drummers. Pimp drummers are not becoming fat, even though they are moving to an alternate food source. Besides, anyone who works on drums that hard would have the six-pack.
Is it true that Pimp Drummers are stupid?[edit | edit source]
This again is a stupid rumor being spread by stupid people. Pimp drummers are very intellectual despite their looks. Alphonse Mouzon seen above actually has a PhD in Medicine, Science and Kicking Ass.
We all know Pimp Drummers are Superior to other drummers, but what is their relation to other pimps?[edit | edit source]
A very good question. Pimp Drummers tend to be very social and out-going, unlike the idiots mentioned above. However, Pimp Drummers tend to hang out with only two groups of men. These being other pimps and drummers. Besides this, Pimps obviously love to hang out with women because it is, according to Lenny White, "Fo' Shizzle, dawg".
If Pimp Drummers really do constitute the highest level of society, why are there no Pimp Drummers in government, or in the news?[edit | edit source]
This is another really good question. The simple answer is: there are Pimp drummers in power; you just don't know they are actually pimp drummers. You know Barack Obama? Democratic Politician? Believe it or not he's a pimp drummer. As the discovery of Pimp Drummers becomes apparent, more people are coming out and declaring themselves as "Pimp Drummers". Of course, any person who lies about being a Pimp Drummer is immediately found and killed using age old methods of Pimp Fighting as set out in Da Vinci's book: "The Art of Pimp Fighting: Renaissance Style".
My friend says he's a Pimp Drummer. How can you tell an imposter from the real deal?[edit | edit source]
There are several differences between a person who is a Pimp Drummer, and a person who is an absolute asshole. The first difference can be seen on the right. More often than not, when you meet a Pimp Drummer in person, they usually have an orange aura which is God's way of saying this person is Pimp-elicious. Another subtle difference between a Pimp Drummer and an imposter is that a Pimp Drummer is always dressed for business. The key things a Pimp Drummer will always have with him is his diamond covered drum-sticks and his 45kg of "Bling".
On a side note, I mean, COME...ON, most Pimp Drummers are Afro-Americans, so, for example, if a white person comes up to you and says he's a Pimp Drummer, he isn't, he's a white asshole; trying to be someone he isn't. [Note: This excludes, of course, Danny Carey. However he is rumored to be a black man trapped in a white mans body. Apparently, there is a zipper on the top of his head.]
 | This article was mentioned in The Scene Newspaper, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here. |