Photographic memory

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for autism?

Photographic memory, also known as reverse omniscience (OM) and Far Queet's Syndrome (FQS) is a process whereby information is taken into the brain in short rapid snapshots just like a camera. Obviously this is where the name comes from. Although it implies everything is recorded perfectly, not everyone has the same quality mechanisms, or even film.

An in depth explanation

As you know, a camera takes a picture of an instant in time. Depending on the film it may be of 1/100th of a second or more, or less. No audio is recorded unless your settings are fucked up beyond all recognition or you are using a new fancy fan-dangled one that records audio too. In which case you have too much money. As a result people suffering from OM actually have evolved a special organ, called a Shutter Mechanism Override Timing Event(SMOTE) which indirectly links their ears and eyes at the same part of the brain. Like with Teletext the lower portion of the image is excess, and the auditory information is stored there. You can easily spot a person suffering from FQS as their eyes will flutter at a predetermined rate. This rate, whilst it could be an indication of the level of intelligence of the sufferer, also is affected by muscular control of their brain (rotating it precisely so that the correct portion of the brain is in front of the eyes). Because of this, Parkinson's sufferers are likely to have an erratic memory. Due to the irregularity of the SMOTE, it is also possible that while you think you are seeing someone with FQS, you may actually have mis-diagnosed an Epilepsy sufferer in the beginnings of a Grand Mal Seizure. The person is not a retard or retarded.

As the brain rotates, each quanta of information is written using special muscular lenses and mind control instruments from the CIA (you don't think they got that idea themselves do you).

If you speak out of sync, too fast, or too slow with a FQS sufferer, they miss some or parts of words. In some cases you could say (after baking some buns and in the process of taking them from the oven ) "mate your mother makes hot bun - fuck that burns" and your FQS friend would hear "mate your mother hot bun fuck burns"

As you would expect such statements may not be well received.

You may also notice that the practice of the rotation of the brain by the FQS person also results in a degree of pain for the person. As you can imagine, the tendons holding the brain in place inside its vacuum packed bag are there to hold it steady.. Essentially to STOP it from moving. Every time an FQS person had their brain rotate there is an extra-ordinary amount of stretching going on with the tendons inside the skull.

In one notable experiment, conducted in 1109 BC by Socrates, the FQS person had the top of the skull removed so that the slackening and tensioning of the tendons in the skull could be observed. However, due to the lack of advanced medicinal practices in 1109 BC, the experiment was not able to clearly state success or failure due to the sheer volume of red fluid (later termed "blood") in the skull. The patient later went on to become known as George W. Bush, apparently remarkable for holding an office of some power without the apparent skills to actually perform in that position.

The practice of Omniscience, ably practiced by a few unknown individuals / mobs, is shown with the ability to be the biggest know-it-all in the known (and to us mere mortals) Unknown Universe. In fact, in the classic trial in the Earth year 8 AD on the planet Tmmmbralkz (just off to the right from Sirius), A uhjungoid who was suspected of being omniscient was summarily executed by the court. This raises the question that if that particular individual knew it was going to happen, why didn't they avoid it, to which the court responded with a bowl of water, some lemon and an economy sized garbage bag. The Tmmmbralkz were wiped out shortly afterward when a backfiring asteroid cut the planet into 3 small fragments.

Reverse Omniscience, however, is most notably seen in those who either wander aimlessly from place to place chanting "Ommmmmmmmmmm" for long annoying periods of time or spend their days in cold draughty monasteries on top of cold draughty mountains in cold draughty countries, like on top of Mount Fuji doing the same. The key thing about Reverse Omscience is the complete lack of any idea of what is about to happen, what has happened or, in fact, what the hell is going on at all. The problem here is that the person with OM has taken a 1/100th of a second (or so)"snapshot" of what is happening and then has to spend the rest of the day or week trying to work out what the image they have means. In some cases (See Rainman) this can take up the rest of their miserable, puny, pathetic excuses for a life.

In some cases the synapsal links for those with OM are actually very good allowing them to lead a "normal" life in society (which as we all know is stunningly anti-different) with the exception of the peculiarly close to perfect recall of text, people, places, events, etc. Most people can remember an unexpected event, such as stepping in a steaming dog turd, but will not remember whether they found a hose to wash it off, sat on a hydrant to lick it off, kicked it off in a gutter or threw the whole shoe away. The OM person who can recall events with vividity will be able to tell you more or less exactly what vehicles were going by at the time, the limited sequence of steps leading up to the event, after the event and during the event. Even down to the number of nuts in the dog turd.

History of Far Queet's Syndrome

Far Queet was according to legend, an old Belgian Army Admiral who was born in 1076 BC. He moved to Tasmania in 2016, and raised a family with Tom Cruise in the eastern US during the 15th century. He separated from Tom in 1844 due to "creative differences" and married a young lady by the name of Margot Fostrey-BarkingMadDog in 1311 (A young lady made famous at the time by singing her own rendition of "I Love Aeroplane Pudding", something that did not take off with the Iceland public due to no-one at the time knowing what an Aeroplane was and that she had a singing voice roughly equivalent in melody to a farting hippopotamus).

Far Queet had the honour of having a Syndrome named after him for the most obscure of reasons. He was an avid walker and had a beach front property during his Tasmanian years. He was walking along the east coast of Tasmania one fine Spring morning when he spotted a whale (not that unusual an occurrence). However, as he spotted the whale, he noticed that it exhaled and a small plume of water had appeared with the exhalation. The plume was framed by the leaning over branch of a palm tree on the beach. He was at once struck by the beauty of this image and immediately ran home to try to recreate this on paper.

Known sufferers

• Politicians
• Parents (if you're a teenager)
• Your ex