Peter Atkins

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Peter Atkins.

Peter Atkins is an atheist. Yup, it's true. You heard it here first. What? You like atheists? What are you, some kind of new-age, cocky little tyke who thinks that they can disprove religion? Well that's what Peter Atkins is. He thinks he can disprove all religion. Or maybe not, maybe, because he's a member of the 'Look at me, I'm so clever, I deny religion!' sect, he'd say:

Or something like that. He's almost as bad as Dawkins. What? You like Dawkins to? Come on. Richard Dawkins is not actually an intelligent person. He just thinks he is. And you apparently think he is. Why? Because he's helping to eradicate the scourge of religion? THERE IS NO SCOURGE OF RELIGION. There is only people distorting religion to there own twisted ends. Admittedly it's quite easy to distort though. Oh shit, am I getting to serious...? OK fuck it onto the next section.

Why I don't like him[edit | edit source]

What's to like? Look at this picture of him:

Peter atkins.jpg

What a horrible looking person. Can't you just feel the tedium diffusing from his every pore? I look at him and I can't help but radiate pure hatred. Atheist. Now might be a good time to mention that you don't have to be religious to hate him, or Richard Dawkins. I know I'm not, hell, you could even hate both of them and still be an atheist swine! No I'm kidding I don't think atheists are swine. But this one is. And Richard Dawkins. Half the time, they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

Generally, he's just a big 'ol smarmy twat, and he's going to straight to hell. If it exists. Which it may or may not do.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Early life[edit | edit source]

Someone who got laid before Peter Atkins.

His biography in Wikipedia starts from age fifteen, so I can only assume that no-one knows what happened to him before that age. Perhaps he was spawned from an in-vitro birthing tank as a near-fully developed human being. That way his parents would never have had to deal with the humiliation of having such a goddamn ugly baby. Good for them, I say.

Anyway further research into the mysterious childhood of Peter Atkins reveals that when he was at school he was that really needy kid that everybody hates. He would often try to tag around with the semi-popular people, hence lowering their chances of getting in with the fully-popular people, because he was so uncool. They would often try to ditch him by performing complex manoeuvrings around the school cafeteria, but unfortunately for them, Atkins persevered.

By the age of twelve he had successfully made two or three people uncool enough to hang out with him by clinging onto them for the entire time they were at school. They didn't really like him, but they had no choice. He simply would not go away.

By age fifteen, all of his friends had been forced into bitch-slapping him until he left school so that they could lead normal lives again. Here the Wikipedia article takes off, and goes on to explain how he got a job as an assistant in a lab (at age fifteen? How sad is that?), and was subsequently rejected from application to several schools, as the headmasters didn't want to seem uncool by letting him in.

Career[edit | edit source]

Peter is a Chemist apparently. He writes lots of books on chemistry, which must be ripping good fun. He's also an atheist swine. He goes around telling people that they are bigoted, mislead idiots, but he's the biggest, most bigoted, mislead-ed idiot of them all! What a twat!

Anyway I don't really care about his career. If you really want to know about it, rather than just read someone ripping on him constantly, paragraph after paragraph...the far superior option...then I suggest you mosey on over to that there search bar and go ahead and type in the following:

Peter Atkins career

You can even copy and paste it from there if you like. I won't stop you. Peter Atkins would though, if you tried to copy and paste something he wrote. That's just the sought of thing he'd try to do. What a fuck.

Later life[edit | edit source]

After all of the universities and chemistry-related professions in England rejected him for being too uncool, Atkins was forced to start lecturing on atheism, where all the upstart atheist wankers enjoyed having an old scholarly-looking person telling them that they were right, which was something they were not very used to.

Anyway, having finally found a profession which suited him (one which involves telling people that nothing is actually important - especially not being cool), Atkins retired. I wish.

Death, Finally[edit | edit source]

The scorpion which stung Peter Atkins. Good Show!

Peter Atkins died when on a hiking trip in Egypt. On the trip, his wife suffered appendicitis, and died due to the lack of a decent nearby hospital as the offending organ exploded inside of her. Peter had no idea what had caused the death, to him it seemed as though his dearly beloved had simply dropped down dead after three days of suffering intense pain. Anyway, Peter carried on, distraught, searching for help, when his left leg was stung by a scorpion. The leg turned septic and Peter had to use a hunting knife to cut it off. Then, using the leg bone from a dead camel as a crutch, he limped on through the desert, hopping along on one leg, screaming in agony and emotional pain all the way. Finally, He got to the Moroccan town of Marrakesh, where he was unceremoniously stabbed in the stomach by street thieves. Bleeding profusely, and stripped of all of his ill-gotten atheist money and clothes, he eventually found his way to the hospital, where it transpired that whilst his stab wounds and lost leg were not going to prove fatal, the malignant cancer in his heart and lungs was. Atkins died on September 11, 2001, with perfect timing so as no-one would remember his death because of the terrorist attacks on the same day.

An Epilogue of sorts[edit | edit source]

I find it somewhat necessary here to write that I am not normally such a hateful person, but Peter Atkins really takes the biscuit. He's almost worse than Richard Dawkins, because he's not even that well known. Imagine meeting a guy who had killed as many people as Hitler in an alley. Imagine if he wasn't famous at all (well maybe a bit), wouldn't that guy really piss you off? In conclusion, if you don't not like Peter Atkins, you are a holocaust denier. (Oddly enough, if you do don't not like Peter Atkins (in other words, if you do like him...) you are most probably an atheist, which means you don't actually have any grounds on which to say the holocaust was really a bad thing, so that last bit wasn't actually a joke! Fuck you!).