Pac-12

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Losers, or Dead?

"FUCK YOU MONEY-HUNGRY LOSERS WE'RE JUMPING SHIP"
— UCLA and USC

Awww baby conference looks so sad to only have sad cougars and dilapidated beavers

The Pac-12 Conference (or what's left of it) is a collegiate athletic conference in the Western United States, mainly comprised of two dudes who forgot to leave the party. It participates at the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) Division I level for all sports, except for the ones they're really bad at. Its football teams compete in the Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS), which is just a fancy way of saying "we're still trying to figure out how to use a scoreboard." The conference currently comprises two members: Oregon State, who's still trying to find their way out of the parking lot, and Wasted State University, who's just happy to have someone to play beer pong with.

In a shocking turn of events that completely didn't see coming, the Pac-12 conference imploded in a spectacular fashion, leaving a trail of confusion, debt, and Larry Scott's ego in its wake. After years of proudly proclaiming itself the "CONFERENCE OF CHAMPIONS" it turns out they were champions–champions of their own assholery and loneliness! It's not like they didn't have warning signs - I mean, who needs a functioning TV deal or a commissioner who doesn't think he's a feudal lord? But hey! If ESPN (a subsidiary of Disney) can get EVEN MORE RATINGS...then FUCK YEAH KILL THEM ALL!

But hey, who needs tradition or history when you can have... wait what was the Pac-12 was trying to do? The conference's demise was marked by a series of baffling decisions, including but not limited to: trying to start a TV network that nobody watched, scheduling games at 3 AM, and hiring a commissioner who thought he was a combination of Napoleon and PT Barnum. And let's not forget the conference's bold decision to expand its membership to include the University of Absurdistan and the California Institute of Technology (which doesn't even have a football team). It was a bold strategy, and by "bold" I mean "completely insane and doomed to failure."

History[edit | edit source]

The shining glorious savior and sole good thing to ever come out of the Pac-12, Dear Leader OJ Simpson. Fuck his lawyer though for procreating the worst three sisters to ever come on TV.

The Pac-12 Conference was founded in 1915 under the delusional belief that it would one day become a powerhouse of collegiate athletics. Originally known as the Pacific Coast Conference (whatever the fuck that is), it was formed by a bunch of schools that thought a "west coast" football dynasty was just around the corner. AND IT WAS IT TOTALLY WAS... (that kind of did actually last when USC was good but then also O.J. Simpson existed) around that time. We don't talk about that though because Big Ten supremacy.

Then came the glorious fucked-up era of Larry Scott, the commissioner who single-handedly redefined incompetence in athletic administration. Larry Scott was a truly amazing human being – if by amazing we mean COMPLETELY DESTROYED THE ENTIRE FUCKING CONFERENCE IN TEN YEARS. What television executive in their right mind would support financing a separate network? Do you even business?

As the years wore on, it became increasingly clear that the conference’s greatest asset was its ability to fuck itself in the foot over and over again, trying to pretend that ESPN didn't exist at all. The idea of expanding membership seemed like a good one—until they tried to add schools that were as interested in the Pac-12 as That Vegan Teacher is in a steakhouse. Long business papers and fake news articles later...they barely exist.

An authentic image of former Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott

Finally, the Pac-12 met its end with a bang (edit: my copyeditor suggested I put nuke because the Pac-12 is a bunch of fucking horrible asshole whore losers but I wanted this article to rank higher on google so I just said bang). The schools that stuck around started looking for the exit, and the once-proud conference disintegrated into a glorified footnote. The Huskies hunted elsewhere and Oregon was Ore-Gone, which only left two schools standing in the parking lot with their hands in their pockets: Oregon State and Washington State, who were probably just relieved that someone still cared about them. JK they didn't; the new commisioner decided to shit on them too and side with the others.