Nu Rave

Nu-Rave is the most beautiful thing to hit this planet since Stalin's left toe. It is a type of cake mainly aimed at 12 year olds who enjoying wearing Neon leggings and pretending to have lives. Let us begin with the history of this glorious race.

From Humble beginnings rises the Nu-Rave phoenix all dressed in Neon with a video player tied round its neck with a bit of cheap cord

The best thing ever invented. Due to copius amounts of sweetners being consumed these Nu Ravers acne has gone neon pink.

A Nu Raver originates as a form of colourless gas called 'Neon', chemical symbol 'Ne' and atomic number 10. When it is captured it is then chilled, then warmed, then chilled, then warmed and then chilled until it turns into a reddish glow in the form of a 12 year old prepubescent tween.

Early 2007 was a beautiful moment. The conception of Nu-Rave was an eerily menacing one, but to cut a long story short five ten year olds got drunk on cheap cider and had an orgy. They thought; there seems to be a lot of neon about, and a lot of music which contains strange noises. They decided to combine the two to produce the most glorious thing ever seen.

It is often said that Nu-Rave is a joke consturcted by NME (NME stands for Nethilistic Monotone Eggplant) and the band Klaxons (Klaxons stands for 'oooh we are so different and not over hyped in any way). This is a lie. As said in the famous S Club Seven song 'Reach' Don't believe in everything that you've been told. Nu-Rave is not a joke but the biggest world religion since Neo-Nazism. The Klaxons who maintain they had nothing to do with the popularisation of Nu Rave are currently sitting in their neon painted offices, puffing on Cuban cigars and roaring with laughter at every single person who walks into topman/buys any of their records.

Right, we've got the concept but what do we do as 'Nu-Ravers'

Unlike the original Rave scene no raves are involved as the Nu-Ravers are all about tweleve years old and must therefore, by the new laws set up by Haggis Baron Gordon Brown must be home by 6.30.However the members of the Nu-Rave crew do have raves, these mainly consist of jam fights and the consumption of sweeteners in the faint hope that if you consume enough the effect will be similar to that of Cocaine.

So what attire do we Nu-Raves choose to present ourselves in, was the next question asked

The main choice for the coolest of the cool in this crew is a pair of neon leggins (pink for girls, pink for boys) and a slogan tee-shirt reading something non threating ,just in case their parents find it. An example of a slogan that might be printed would be 'Throw Cake not Aids or Read the Q'uran and eat your greens.

Hoodies are a must for the on-the-go nu raver. But choice of design is very limited. Only neon colors and bizarre nonsensical print are acceptable. If at first glance, your hoody doesn't blind or totally confuse others then you're not trying hard enough.

Moderation is the key of the nu-rave dress code. Pants must not be scrotum strangling tight or loose enough to hide 5 more pairs of pants underneath. shirts must be from topman. fuck you if you think otherwise. wacky accessories are optional like.....i dunno, bowler hats? suspenders? who cares? nu-rave is all about being "creative" right?

IMPORTANT: there is no such thing as a fat new raver. if you have a belly you might as well sign up for an alternative like fucking techno with guitars or playing daft punk backwards while you stand on your head.

What causes do the Nu-Ravers support?

Nu-Ravers are firecly supportive of the debating society of North and North West London. They also take part in many Emo lynchings worldwide. Nu-Ravers are fiercely opposed to emos and will go out of their way to laugh and them. What they do not realise is that anyone with half a grain of rice is laughing at them.

What does the future hold for these beautiful poet laurates?

Nothing. They can go and dig their own neon graves.