New Moon (novel)
“Really? You're going to take your shirt off in a movie theater?”
“Oh... you wanted to undress me yourself, right?”
"New Smoon"... I'm sorry, "New Moon" is the sequel to the the romance novel named Twilight written by the mother of an arbitrary number of children named Stephenie Meyer. It continues the romance between too-hot-for-his-own-good vampire Edward and vulnerable-girl-who-just-can't-help-herself Bella. Ironically, Edward dumps her early on in this book, thus finishing off the story once and for all. Or so we were tricked into thinking.
Background[edit | edit source]
After the "piece of literature" Twilight (book) made it's appearance and gave the
writer Stephenie Meyer a bunch of money for producing...erm...something, she realized she couldn't forget about their romance so easily. After writing a trillion epilogues of 90,000,000,000 pages each (numbers used for representative purposes only), she realized there was a much better way to get over her obsession- write a sequel in which the girl gets dumped! Then she would collapse into depression, and become so boring and dull that Stephenie would get sick of wandering the imaginary world she had created. However, there was an unforeseen enemy who thwarted all her plans- Jacob Black.
"Plot"[edit | edit source]
In "New Sm"... "New Moon" Bella is saved by Edward and just when it seems like they are about to hook up for real this time instead of dry-humping like rabbits, Edward instead ditches Bella in the woods because one of his family members finally realizes what a delicious meal he's been missing out on. Bella, however goes lonely and miserable and goes after Jacob instead. When she is faced in life-threatening situations she thinks she can hear Edward's voice inside her head (This was allegedly due to Edward's love that had engraved itself into her very soul, though it is possible that she was simply losing her mind). When she asks Jacob to mend a bunch of trashed-up bikes and give her riding lessons, he begins fantasizing about 'riding' her in a totally different manner. After nearly dying of hemorrhagic fever in a cinema where he's watching a stupid movie with Bella and pervert Mike Newton, he returns home, looks in the mirror, and sees a wolf. Fellow tribesmen Billy Black and Sam Uley catch him in the act and explain that he is now a werewolf and a member of the Quileute Protection Programme, a security arrangement which uses people like him to protect Forks from vampires. After realizing that the Cullens are vampires too, and that's why Edward ditched Bella, Jacob's blood boils with rage so much that his family has to warn him about outside vampires possibly picking up on its scent.
Eventually Bella finds out that Jacob's a werewolf too, but because of QPP's busy schedule, they can't see each other very often. After getting bored to death as she has no hot mythical creature to snuggle up to, Bella decides to go cliff-diving just to hear Edward's voice again. However, she ends up drowning in the raging waters below, but Jacob pulls her out, drags her to the shore and asks her one simple question "Are you out of your freaking mind?". Incidentally, Alice has the same question in her head when she sees what Bella did in her vision, and concludes that she committed suicide. This message somehow gets passed on to Edward, who goes to the Volturi to get himself killed ("If Bella can commit suicide, so can I! Vampirezzz Rule!"). However, Bella stops him, and says she never attempted suicide, and that he can stop trying to show off the superiority of "his kind". Edward decides to bury the hatchet and become Bella's lover again, concluding "Your chances at a normal human life ended the moment Twilight hit the shelves."
Too bad they never had sex in this book. But don't worry, there's Breaking Dawn for that.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Princess Peach aka Bella Swan- The girl who got dumped
Edward Cullen- The vampire who dumped her
The Cullens- The family of the vampire who dumped Bella.
Jacob Black- The werewolf guy whom Bella turns to in her darkest hour, only to ditch him when she sees Edward again. What a bitch!
The Quileute Protection Programme- A security program set up by the Quileute tribe in order to protect the town of Forks from vampires.(there's a whole family of 'em out there! Are these guys really working? Oh wait. Protection doesn't even mean kicking the Cullens' butts, as they're friggin' vegetarians! Underworld was so much better!) Once the Cullens leave town, they celebrate the first complete exodus of vampires from Forks, only to have Victoria sticking her nose up their asses seconds later.
Public's response[edit | edit source]
During New (S)Moon's first appearance in the book shops the suicide statistics made, to not so much of a surprise, a shocking increase. This was mostly due to emo girls who were so sad because Bella got dumped so they, instead of skipping to the end like the rest of us, jumped off cliffs just like Bella did (unfortunately, the Mary Sue was revived by resident pedo wolf, whereas the suicidal girls were dragged to hell). Numbers indicate that half of the emo/fan girl population died in this way. The other half cried their eyes out, therefore being blind and unable to finish reading the book. The book is therefore left unfinished, unable to be read by anyone due to either suicide or instant vomiting. By others "New Moon" was praised; and no, not by suicidal fan girls but, by poor brainwashed individuals of society. Another theory, now proved by scientists, is that the majority or the public that did enjoy the book in fact had serious brain damage, causing their common sense and logic to suddenly evaporate. ("The Stephenie Meyer Scientists Group" have since claimed they were Canadians, and thus having N-O-T-H-I-N-G at all to do with the book.)
To capitalize on the success of the novel, an indie (read crappy) studio named Summit Entertainment has made a film adaptation of the book. Despite being derided by critics as a "stupid, laggard and disgraceful pile of Mormon propaganda", the film was immensely successful, thanks to the Twilight fans who were sensible enough to NOT attempt suicide as they knew Bella wasn't that stupid.
Was rumoured to be arguably worse than "My Little Pony: Secrets Of The Rainbow".
Trivia[edit | edit source]
New Moon is a sequel. So, unlike Twilight, where Meyer wrote countless loads of additional crap which was later removed - for details see Twilight (book). New Moon only had one alternate storyline where Jacob Black never told Bella his secret in the first place. Because of this, Bella never fell in love with Jacob, Edward never returned and she whiled away the rest of her life in misery. This in turn would have caused many 13 year old girls and very creepy 40 year old moms to take to the streets and protest in riots that many experts have estimated could have caused billions in dollars in damages and some psychologists say that there might have been a mass suicide pact made if this version was published. Many critics of the Twilight novel had begged Stephenie to publish this alternate version so that the story could go to its logical, albeit sad, conclusion and that they would be able to rest in peace. However, she sided with The Twilight Virus and decided to cash in on the epidemic it was causing by writing two more novels-Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.