Naked mole rat
| Name | Naked Mole Rat |
| Relationship status | Chirpsing Tewance |
| Motto | NMR FTW w0000000!!! |
| Alias' | God, Him, Awesomeness incarnate. |
| Background | Eternal Creators of Everything Except the Things They Didn't Create |
| Language | NMRian |
| Home Planet | Planet GWARRGGHHH (NMRian for "Legendary") |
| Home Base on Earth | East Africa/the Whitehouse |
| Goal | TOTAL AND UTTER DOMINATION!!!! Plus some beer. LOTS of beer. |
| Religion | Any/All/NMRicness |
| Leader | The Great Naked Mole Rat (also known as just the Naked Mole Rat) |
| Arch Nemesis | The Flying Spagetti Monster/ Anti-Rat spray |
| Favorite Food | Spagetti Bolognase on toast with jelly. |
| Special abilities | Sub-zero temperature rays, x-ray sense of smell, REALLY BIG TEETH, invulnerable to kryptonite unless thrown, sheer awesomeness on toast with jelly |
Naked Mole Rats (or Nudist Mole Rats) are small, goddamn-ugly rodents found in east Africa[1]. They spend their entire lives underground. They're also awesomely powerful overlord-like GODS. They have long front teeth and wrinkly, hairless skin (bizzarrely, they can't actually feel pain inflicted on this skin, meaning that it is quite acceptable to stick a knife straight through their tails, and then watch them wriggle in bemused frustration as they try to escape, not realising that their tails are stuck to the floor.)
Bwianna[edit | edit source]
Bwianna unlike her fellow NMR's is quite the smexy one. Although she has a penis she is widely believed to be the bestest NMR in the whole NMR world, especially by Tewance. Bwianna doesn't associate herself with other NMR's, instead she has befriended Tewance, her best piggy friend; Bwianna like's tewance's lil' red boots. Bwianna by nature makes joke's about Tewance's squirtle and in return Tewance makes joke's about Bwianna's Lulu (NMR rat vagina) in retaliation. Many find it hard to believe that Bwianna has a spethal hidden talent, Bwianna rapes fellow NMR's all the time but her favourite victim is Tewance. Bwianna rapes Tewance so much he squeals his heart out, yet it is to no avail since Bwianna simply carries on raping him. All in all, Bwianna is a very spethal, unique, self confessed funny, mole rat whom Tewance loves more than anything and any other NMR.
Tewance[edit | edit source]
Tewance is a baby pig (i know what you're all thinking, he doesnt even go here!) and you would be right, except he has been accepted by your totally hot NMR queen.. Bwianna (all hail). Tewance brings Bwianna an immense amount of pleasure, simply by not letting her play with his best bud squirtle (obvs in other ways you dirty populace, but a queen never kisses and tells). Bwianna loves games. Tewance knows that it amuses Bwianna no end when he plays hard to get, because deep down, he obviously knows she will outsmart him and get her way.. everytime.. she is the queen after all. Bwianna loves it when Tewance squeals, because it means that she will have properly done her job as the most bangin' queen biatch mole in all the land. Tewance isnt very funny, but thinks he is.. which is funny in itself and makes Bwianna laugh.. what a paradox! Tewance loves oil and freezing cold water, especially on his balls, which, makes him writhe with pleasure. Queen Bwianna loves her best piggin' bud Tewance, especially on thursdays (which yes, everyone would recognize this as opposite day, so to clarify to all who are reading this on opposite day, please read as "Bwianna hates Tewance, hates oil, hates Thursdays, hates squirtle, hates Tewances hair and nippies and red boots") Together Tewance and Bwianna could rule the world. (Tewance would wear a smexy cape, but thats not the point) Tewance is the best pig a small town NMR could ask for. Vote for Tewance.. because he smells like peppermint (just a Mean Girls reference that embodies Tewance) Bwianna loves Tewance more than mean girls
Theology[edit | edit source]
The Naked Mole Rat (called God by Christians) created the universe as the result of a bet with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster) foolishly believed that he could make the awesomest super-ultra-mega-incrediblest being. The FSM made a ninja...and the NMR made Chuck Norris. The resulting fight was of course absolutely awesome, so awesome in fact that it can never be fully documented or else the reader's head would implode, then explode with the force of several Nuclear bombs. We can, however, say that it ended, naturally, with Chuck Norris giving the ninja a full-powered roundhouse kick to the head. This phenomenon is sometimes nicknamed the "Big Bang".
"And he cameth, and he created beer from the urineth of the champion [Chuck Norris], and all other artifacts of incredibilitee." -Prophecies of the NMR, dictated by the prophet Dislexius
And thus, the FSM was forced to allow the NMR to create a race of sentient beings in His divine image. But the NMR instead decided to create a creature LIKE, but far UGLIER than Himself... the human. See, the NMR thought it would be hilarious to make an animal that thought it was superior, but was ACTUALLY completely stupid and hideous. Turns out, Naked Mole Rats are actually extremely beatiful; its the HUMANS that are disgustingly ugly. Watching them stumble around for 80 years or so trying to discern the mysteries of the universe, then getting their kids in on the act really cracks Him up. And so it goes on through the generations. For every mystery "solved", two more pop up, and yet they still think that all the knowledge of everything will be theirs in a matter of time. A very...long...time...This proves the idiocy of the human and the ingeniousness of the NMR.
The story of the first humans (Adam and Eve) really isn't as tragic as the Bible portrays it (not surprising, as the Bible is actually the script for a movie which is under development, and depicts the life of the NMR in exaggerated fashion to make it interesting). Adam and Eve were kept in the NMR's underground dwelling, a Utopia of awesomeness and all-round good stuff. One day, they went outside (onto the surface) to grab some beer for the NMR and themselves, but when they reached the Lake of Beer, prophecised place of legends, Adam decided that it would be sensible to just drink it all now. Thus, they got so absolutely pissed that they both forgot all about their ruling deity and his underground abode. Naturally, Eve was knocked up as a result of the Big Binge, and as a punishment for drinking all the beer, the NMR invented marriage and Adam, to his eternal despair, had to live with her... FOREVER. And so they multiplied and created science to explain the universe. Idiots.
The final twist to the story of Creation resulted on April Fool's day, 187 BC, when the NMR kidnapped the FSM in his sleep and FED him to the Italians, thus inducing humiliation of an ubearable degree. The FSM suddenly woke up and was so shocked he asploded, resulting in spaghetti rain for DAYS. And so, the recipe for spaghetti bolognase was given to humanity. To the huge amusement of the NMR.
The Religion[edit | edit source]
Naked Mole Ratism is a religion followed by billions of humans around the world. It is, in fact, every single one of the monotheistic religions all at once, as the God which christians/Jews/Catholics/Muslims/Just-about-everyone-else worship is actually just the NMR anyway.
"...And he izzeth the master of all, and of creation, and of ya Mum, and all of the pleasures of which she granteth upon me ev'ry Friday...And Saturday...And Sunday..."
The religion has three separate followings. Most follow one of them, although the most devout follow all three.
They are:
1. The Power of the Nakedness
The Power of the Nakedness resides in its effects of extreme embarrassment upon all who choose this path. It has no real point whatsoever, but you DO get to take all your clothes off whenever you feel like it, and you won't be judged. Except by everyone who sees you. And everyone who hears about it. But other than that, you're fine.
2. The Will of the Mole
Followers of The Will of the Mole usually enjoy digging holes, getting underground, that sorta stuff. There are not many monks left that follow this discipline, as the ones that previously did have been slandered by many Heathens and compared to "dogs" and, even worse, "miners". The Will of the Mole is recommended to those who have previously followed the teachings of the Power of Nakedness, as a way to hide from the mockery of the outside world.
3. The Influence of the Rat
Any who deny the awesomess of that most awesome creature, theNaked Mole Rat, are surely heathen FSM worshippers, and should be incinerated/huffed upon sight. This is the influence of the Rat. Chuck Norris has long been an NMRian and will deal with the infidels personally. Enough said.
Follow those protocols in order to truly love the NMR in all His awesomeness-on-toast-with-jelly.
How to Best Follow the Naked Mole Rat[edit | edit source]
Well, so you've heard about how awesome this religion is. You really want to join, but, alas, you don't want to bother going to church etc., which is supposedly what is required to follow God/NMR. Good news! It isn't actually required AT ALL. To please the NMR, all that is required is that you go out and buy a heap of spaghetti. Then ya gotta eat it, and thus show complete, total and utter disrespect for the FSM and his followers. HOWEVER... if you plan to REALLY get into the spirit of NMRicness, you need to run around naked in the street, screaming about an incoming apocolypse. E.g.: The SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!
Mass hysteria MUST BE ACHIEVED or the Great NMR will see your failure. If you fail then you have NO chance of becoming an NMR in your afterlife.
This generally doesn't achieve any higher level of enlightenment or anything... it just delights the NMR. But hey, if you're Christian you already devoted your lives to him anyways, right?
ANYWAY... for all you followers of Islam, suicide bombing and racial genocide ARE NOT REQUIRED. Unless you want to.
Oh, you do?
In that case, feel free!
It's a little known fact that all door-to-dor salesmen are followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and must be killed on sight. Lawyers too. For this purpose, every single NMRian that does the chicken dance naked on a street corner at rush hour will receive one COMPLETELY FREE shotgun/rocket launcher/black hole generator. Use liberally! And remember. Politicians, too, were made to be sucked into a black hole/shot to pieces with a shotgun/asploded via a rocket launcher. Not because they follow the FSM, it's just that nobody likes them.
Not convinced that the NMR exists? Here is an equation.
![{\displaystyle {\frac {awesomeness^{2}\ extremeugly^{beer}}{yomamma^{An}is_{f}at}}+\left[{\frac {\gamma }{toast-with-jelly}}+{\frac {\delta }{z-Molecular\,lasagne\,cheese}}+{\frac {\epsilon }{Bigpointyteethclaws}}\right]{\frac {dw}{dz}}-{\frac {\alpha \beta z-NakedMoleRatGod}{thenrun\left(with-power\right)\left(z-d\right)}}w}](https://wikimedia.org/api/rest_v1/media/math/render/svg/c05475fec51d8597a8b65e23c75af14b6c7209e1)
As you can see, this equation obviously proves the NMR's existence BEYOND all reasonable doubt. So there.
Less Conventional Uses of Naked Mole Rats[edit | edit source]
Well, hehe, if you're one of those few mentally challenged individuals who STILL put faith in the FSM instead of the NMR, then you're obviously mentally infirm. So here's a list all you crazy heretics will LOVE!
Ways to COMPLETELY, TOTALLY AND UTTERLY disrespect the NMR's include:
1. Huffing them. Seriously, try it.
2. The NMR Star. This is achievable by placing five or more of them in a circle with their tails pointing in, with the tips overlapping. Then shoving a drawing pin straight through those tips. They won't really feel it at all but if you bump the table then the sound of it will scare them enough to make them run... While they're still pinned down. It's just funny to watch them all scrabbling in opposite directions, going absolutely nowhere. Anyways... the resulting mole-rat panic should result in countless hours of fun, ending only when they all drop dead. For even MORE fun, feed and water them regularly. Another use of this "Mole-Rat Star" is that by placing teeny-weeny treadmills beneath them, you can generate power, too!
- Note: this concept also works with mouses.
3. Freezing them. This has the added advantage of making them super-weapons. Merely grab a frozen one by the tail and throw it at your worst enemy/stab someone with it's long incisor teeth. Then just leave the NMR protruding from the vistims chest as they lie twitching on the floor. Soon the NMR will thaw out, and it'll burrow underground... LEAVING NO TRACE.
- Note: NMR's are actually the favoured weapon of ninjas, as NMR's allow ninjas to practice this process without having to freeze them.
"An NMR to the chest a day keeps the doctor away! But not the undertaker."-Mr Optimism
4. The NMR Flail. Exactly the same as the NMR Star, except that the tail-pin must be driven into the end of a stick so that the NMR's may be swung about the users head. Then bashed into a wall. Repetitively. Alternatively, the flail can be used as a weapon.
- Note: Mouses, once again, can also be used. This practice is known as o.O Mouses on a sticks O.o
"Hooo-ee! I got myself a mouses on a sticks, Ma! Huh ha!"-Billy-Ray on NMR's
NOTE THE SPELLING OF MOUSES. According to the source of all awesomness (The NMR) they should be called mouses, not mice. Mouses sounds a heap better. It's true. Say it with me! MOUSES!
5. Doorstops. Wedge their buck teeth under a door and watch 'em squirm, while keeping the door nice and shut to maintain a nice warm room/torturing zone.
6. The Hilarity Manouver. All you need to do for this is put a nice foaming glass of beer on one side of a glass wall, and put the NMR on the other. The NMR will be overcome by sheer love of beer and charge at it, regardless of any barriers (e.g. glass wall). As a result, he/she/banana will repetitively charge the glass. It's REALLY funny to watch.
- Note: Most people believe NMR's are blind. The reality is, their underground lair is absolutely STACKED with alcohol, and any time a human finds one, it's normally absolutely PISSED. They're literally blind-DRUNK.
7. The Drop-Punt. Take a naked mole rat and kick it. Repetitively!
8. Chasing Zemmiphobics. Zemmiphobics are people with an irrational fear of the Naked Mole Rat. Actually, it's extremely rational, I mean, those things are seriously DEFORMED. Anyway... simply grab an NMR and bash a zemmiphobic on the head with it. GUARANTEED freak out EVERY time!
- Note: also works on teenage girls.
What a Naked Mole Rat Can Kill[edit | edit source]
1. Ninjas. But ninjas are cool, so they dont. Unless they want to.
2. Grues. Yup, it's a fact.
3. Naked Mole Retards. More about them later.
4. Humans. Duh.
5. SPAGHETTI.
6. Death.But then, EVERYONE can do that.
7. Juuust about everything else.
What Can Kill a Naked Mole Rat[edit | edit source]
1. Anti-Rat Spray. Invented by the FSM's minions, this spray is super-compressed politicians in a can. NMR's, being pure awesomeness, implode on contact with so much anti-awesomeness (politicians are 100% ANTI-AWESOME).
2. Whak-A-Mole hammers.
3. Chuck Norris (that's a given) but he won't. EVER. So forget about it!
4. Minjas (midget ninjas).
5. A grain of sand. But only when it's taken from the centre of the Australian desert and imbedded in a lump of supercharged kryptonite which is then attached to the end of a javellin which is then loaded into a spring-loaded launcher and fired at an exact 187-degree angle into a panel of glass from the whitehouse and THEN into a nuclear reactor before ricochetting into a large albanian woman who ABSOLUTELY MUST stumble back 17 steps before collapsing above an NMR's burrow while singing the New Zealand national anthem and dancing the maccarena. Keep in mind, the javellin MUST puncture the burrow, fall through and impale an NMR. THEN the NMR has a 0.00187% chance of death, and a 99.9813% chance of turning into an unstoppable demi-god with the power to level cities in a single twitch of a whisker.
Try it at home!
6. Mythbusters. Don't ask. It's pretty messy.
"Today on Mythbusters, we'll be testing that age old myth-- is it possible to kill a naked mole rat with merely a bottletop and several thousand tonnes of plastic explosive?"-Jamie Hyneman, on the set of Mythbusters
Ughh. You HAD to ask.
7. Suicide.
"If a naked mole rat kills itself, then it will be dead."- Captain Obvious
8. Anti-Bully Spray When that spaghetti monster just can't take it anymore.
Naked Mole Tards[edit | edit source]
Naked Mole Retards (Naked Mole Tards for short) are the teensy-weensy relatives of the Naked Mole Rat. As is a well known fact, the FSM created Midgits. One day, a small and unfortunate group of NMR's were captured by the FSM and warped by his evil pasta sauce to become... MIDGET MOLE RATS. They soon became known as the Naked Mole Tards, and they rebelled against the noble NMR's. THEY were the creators of the Anti-Rat Spray, which soon became the FSM's primary weapon in the fight against the NMR's. Now, the NMT's (Naked Mole Tards) have multiplied, and endanger all that we as devout NMRians hold dear. However, they ARE retarded, and no one really has THAT much to fear from a bunch of 5cm long rodents that just sit in one place and drool all day. ALL THE SAME, their drool/excrement stains the carpet, and thus they should be removed at a leisurely pace.
In light of this, the NMR's have united to create the ultra-mega-mole-manglers, or UMMM. This elite fighting corps specialises in eliminating, well... retards. They employ uber distraction methods like pretending to rip off the retard's snouts and yelling "Got ya nose!" to render the NMT's helpless, blubbering heaps. This also works on George W bush. After this, they transport the tards to a convenient cliff and roll a nickel off it. Then they let the NMT's stumble off the aforementioned cliff in chase of the coin. Evil, huh?
This phenomenon (NMT's falling off cliffs in their hundreds) only EVER takes place in the Northern climates, and as a result, many so-called eloquent people believed that LEMMINGS (the only native rodent of the area) were the ones who did the jumping. But ANYONE with half a brain knows that lemmings can fly, so if they jumped off the cliff, they could just soar back up to the top. Humans are pretty stupid.
Sometimes, the NMR's themselves (particularly members of UMMM) indulge in "less conventional uses" of the NMT's, like huffing them or making NMT Stars.
Afterlife[edit | edit source]
The theory of the afterlife in NMRicness is one of total awesomeness. Those most devout humans that follow the NMR come back as Naked Mole Rats themselves, to live the most incredibly great life physically possible. However, those that followed with middling devoutness still get to live in Ratopia ( the most incredibly great place physically possible) but remain in their human form. But this has its advantages. For instance, the Naked Mole Rollympics are held VERY regularly, in which the main event is the Naked Mole Roll (hence the name of the competition) where the humans all take an NMT/old grandmother NMR and roll it off a high platform. The NMT then hits the ground, and points are awarded based on the size of the splat radius (area which is covered in NMT guts). The larger the splat radius, the more points one reveives. Other events include the NMT javellin, NMT bowling (NMT's being the pins), the NMT punt, the NMTriathlon (too messy and horrible to be described), Whak-A-Mole, PacRat, NMT Invaders, NMT Pong and the fabled Shove-a-naked-mole-tard-up-your-nose-and-waddle-like-a-duck-race.
Huffing competitions are also held, although they generally only last one round, as NMT's are as potent as NMR's, and the competitors are all too stoned to do anything other than roll around on the floor and yell, "WEEEEE! I'm a GOLDFISH!".
Which brings us to our next topic...
The Benefits of Huffing[edit | edit source]
NMR's and NMT's are the most huffable creatures on the planet. As they are 100% pure awesomeness-on-toast-with-jelly, the huffer gets high even before the NMR enters the nose. The teeth also work as an aphrodisiac, and so has the effect of approximately 9157735187.251187 viagra pills. Now, I know what you're thinking. "HOLY SHIT! where can I get one!?". The answer is, all you need to do is stand above an NMR burrow in East Africa (or anywhere else in the world...), holding a keg of beer and a sacrificial kitten(Note: kittens are the third most huffable animals to dolphins and NMR's, so if the NMR accepts the kitten and huffs it, the huffer can get even HIGHER from huffing the NMR which huffed the kitten). The beer is to draw the NMR out of it's den. Then, as it leaps forward to huff the kitten, lie down facing upwards over the hole from which it came. When it goes to dive back in, it'll dive straight up your nose. And thus is the NMR huffed.
However, this process also has its DANGERS. Over-huffing may result in the huffer becoming a mole-head. Aside from a need to huff constantly, the mole-head also developes the FEATURES of a mole; his/her/banana's head changes shape to look like an NMR's, and they develop an insatiable longing to DIG. Not long after this, their mind is completely taken over. Here is a sample of precisely what goes through those mole-heads heads.
DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-huff-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-huff-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-huff-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-huff-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-huff-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG-huff
This is, of course, problematic, as it in no way contains eating or drinking. Therefore, the huffer soon dies.
This has a negative effect on the huffer. Side effects of death include:
A) Shortness of breath.
B) Inability to think clearly.
C) complete lack of short-term and long-term memory.
D) Blindness, deafness, all senses considerably duller.
E) Low blood pressure.
F) Inability to excrete waste products.
None of which matters in any way, as they're already dead.
NMR's in Famous Literature[edit | edit source]
NMR's, as we've already demonstrated, are divine beings; therefore, there should be HEAPS of paintings and writings about them, right? Unfortunately, no. Ignorant religious people see these documents and believe they are pagan works of the devil.
This hurts the Great NMR's feelings. Poor lil' guy.
...Anyways, there are still works of literature that were created to spread the word of the NMR. If one looks hard enough, one can unearth them. There are even secret messages about them in the Bible (fair enough, even if the references are completely warped). For instance, the Old Testament story of Deutronomy 12.2 recounts directions for a hit-and-run mission to destroy the Flying Spaghetti Monster's holy places.
"You must demolish completely all the places where the nations whom you are about to dispossess served their gods... Break down their altars... burn their sacred poles with fire, and hew down the idols of their gods... You shall go there, bringing there your burnt offerings and your sacrifices... And you shall eat there in the prescence of the Lord your God... rejoicing in all the undertakings in which the Lord your God has blessed you."
Obviously, translation has modified the words of the passage slightly, but the meaning stays the same:
"You need to blow the shit out of all the places that your enemies worship... break their pots in which they cook spaghetti bolognaise in reverence of the FSM... set fire to their gonads and eat all of the un-burnt spaghetti that's already been cooked... then you shall take all the overcooked spaghetti bolognaise and the worshippers from the temple to the Sacred Dinner Table of Ultimate Doom and Destruction... and there you will force the heretics to eat the burnt spaghetti in the prescence of the Great NMR... Then kill them, and rejoice at all the funerals which will surely take place."'
See? It's obvious.
There IS, in fact, evidence to suggest that "God" is actually Egyptian for "NMR". Indeed, in one ancient Egyptian pyramid, there was a translation of Ancient Egyptian to English (which is just outright wierd, considering that English wasn't invented for another thousand years or so). It says as folows:
This insciption was found on the wall of the tomb of king Wattaloadovcrap IIIV in the Valley of the Kings, Egypt.
Even then, it was written on an orange sheet of paper in black ink. Which is just as weird as the fact that it's in English. Which is very wierd.
This is Da Vinci's original painting of the Last Supper. He was a devout and sensible NMRian who often followed the Power of Nakedness. However, ignorant christians forced him to change the painting to the famous visage we know today. Silly christians.
In fact, the Da Vinci code was really a message, placed by the Great NMR. This message was misinterpreted by Robert Langdon, who used his feeble human mind to blow the message out of proportion. The albino from the story was really a Naked Mole Rat himself, and the tortures he put himself through were bearable from him, as they can't feel injuries to the skin. He only did these things to himself, in fact, as a way of gaining money from stupid, ignorant tourists. Anyway. The real message was "Give me guiness. Deliver it to 187 Brown street in the East African Desert." (Guiness is His favourite beverage.) When He realised that Rob was DISPROVING God's existance, He intervened (because if one stops believing in God, one stops believing in the NMR). And hence, He sent the "albino". And Langdon STILL didn't get it. Humans. Pff.
But there is one more twist. In the bible, Mary is impregnated by the holy Spirit.
This is a LIE.
She was really impregnated by the holy spiritS at communion (back then, communion was like a huge, alcohol feuled party... hence eating flesh and drinking blood). After drinking faaaar to much holy spirits, she was totally drunk, and thus forgot that she had engaged in intercourse at all. Therefore, as no-one could determine the identity of the father, she was said to be impregnated by the holy spirits.
Numbers[edit | edit source]
The number of AWESOMENESS is 187. The number of the beast (ANTI-awesomeness)is 666. Therefore, the number of anti-awesome+the number of awesome=666+187, which is 853. THAT is the number of neither-here-nor-thereness, which was the date of the very first fight between the FSM (anti awesomeness) and the NMR (awesomeness).
The Norris and the ANTI-Norris[edit | edit source]
Naturally, the Jesus figure in Christian mythology was Chuck Norris. This is evident in that
A) Chuck and Jesus both have 5 letters
B) Norris and Christ both have 6 letters
C) Chuck Norris is awesomeness incarnate, Jesus is the incarnation of God on earth. So, if God=NMR and NMR=pure AWESOMENESS, that makes Chuck and Jesus the same person.
D) Chuck is eternal. So is Jesus.
E) Only Chuck could've survived crucifixion. That's a fact.
F) Jesus once brought someone back from the dead. Chuck Norris's saliva can do that, too.
ERGO: Jesus=Chuck!
Chuck Norris, saviour of the world and eater of spaghetti, is destined to fight in the apocalypse alongside the NMR, his creator.
HOWEVER. There is ONE INDIVIDUAL on this earth that is JUST AS ETERNAL as Chuck. He is the ANTI-NORRIS, a source of anti-awesomeness SO POWERFUL that he can kill even Chuck. All fear his purple-polka dotted wrath.
Most people know him as BARNEY, the PURPLE DINOSAUR.
Here is PROOF:
A) Barney is eternal. He survived the extinction of the dinosaurs.
B) "Barney" spelled backwards is "Yenrab"... Which, by some nefarious chance, is "Barney" spelled backwards. Scary, huh?
C) He scares young children.
D) The Anti-Norris was supposedly born on the 6th day of the 6th month in '06. This is because the date is the same as the number of the beast, 666. That's the day that Barney miraculously resurrected his TV career.
He's also been seen hanging out at FSMic cult meetings, sacrificing animals and small children in the name of Spaghetti, but that doesn't prove anything other than he likes seeing children in pain. I mean, there is only so many years of childrens television a dinosaur can take before he cracks. How long would you last before you too finally snap and start dishing out revenge for all the drool and excrement that has befouled you and your workmates? That's right, it had to happen.
Another little known fact is that Barney is destined to bring the world to an END and the only one who can stop him is the Uber-Awesome-Miracle-Working-Roundhouse-Kicking-Legend Chuck Norris!
Or alternately the Great NMR, but that detracts from the drama.
The APOCALYPSE 0.o[edit | edit source]
The REAL apocalypse will be held on the 9th of December 2007, at 12:30 sharp, Western Australian Standard Time. Don't be late!
The apocalypse is destined to be a Western-Orientated-Kamikaze-Infiltrated-Neolithically-Awesome-Ballistic-Oscillating-Xylophonic fight. That's right... W.O.K.I.N.A.B.O.X. is the ONLY way to describe it. That's how awesome it's gonna be. NMR versus FSM for the FINAL TIME. According to the Little Book of Awesomeness (the Gospel of the NMR), it'll involve ALL organisms on the planet.
The Four Horses of the apocalypse will ride forth, bringing with them death- and then they'l lbe killed and made into spaghetti meatballs.
Death itself will be slain at the hands of NMR's, leading to a period of awkward silence when they all realise that now, no-one can die. Then all realise the impossibility of the situation and start killing each other anyways.
NMR-loving people will go head to head with lawyers and door-to-door salesmen (at last, we have an excuse!), NMR's and Chuck Norris against over a billion pirates, Minjas, NMT's and ninjas (though the NMT's will be used solely for ammunition and ninja weapons). Epic war will rage for days, MILLENIA even, with heavy casualties on all sides... Rodents flying through the air, spaghetti tentacles whipping across the battlefield, Chuck's steel-capped boots sending pirates and ninjas alike soaring through the sky before exploding like human fireworks...
And the politicians will try to use the war to gain votes.
Finally, the war will come to a close. All will be annihalated in a fiery inferno.
Then they'll start filming part two.
Theme song[edit | edit source]
(to the tune of The Flintstones)
Mole rats, Naked mole rats
They're the fuckin' ugly mice from hell
From your, mama's basement
I would kill 'em all if you can't tell
They make, you wish you didn't have eyes
Chuck 'em, from your sockets to the skies
When you, see the mole rats,
You'll go really fucking crazy
Just fucking crazy
Just really damn crazy
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ This is actually a common misconception. NMR's are found ALL OVER the world. You know the scratching sound on your roof at night? The noise people say is just possums or some other night creature?...Guess again. Thats right. When we say everywhere, we mean everywhere.