Musical notation

Alright you stupid children, today in this class, you're going to learn about Music notation, and there's nothing you can say about it, you chocolate eating babies. Sit down, sit down, sit d—SARAH! Don't you dare put your fat ass on that table!

sigh... children these days. Am I right, Mrs. Tiffany?

What? You're saying that I'm being too aggressive? Do you know who I am?

Anyway, musical notation is the mother language of music, hence why it's called music notation. It was created when the first language was created, called cuneiform, but I know you guys don't know this. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Charlie, you nose-pricking son of a—oh well. Anyway, I'm going to teach you all how to read music. Doesn't that sound FUN? FUN? Like the F in fortissimo? Come on, someone? Ugh, you children are so boring.

Music.

Music.

Musi...?

History

As said, music notation was created a long, long time ago, in the ancient time of man, when Gluteus Assius discovered a nice sound that was made after he smashed the head of his ass-sponge into a cow. Pondering what that thing was, he posted a TikTok in which he did several stupid dances. Attention of this thing grew quickly, and someone began to call this thing "music".

Unfortunately, nobody cared about music back then, as everyone had shitty attention spans during the ancient times. It wasn't until this Polish person came around that music became an international thing. It was a musical revolution! Beethoven was shitting himself, Captain Music was thrown in the trash for being an unfunny clone of an already popular in-joke, and The Beatles... existed...

Notation

To avoid sounding like a maniac, here's some of the basic notation stuff:

• Treble clef — High notes.
• Bass clef — Don't confuse bass with bass, or bass with bass. Also low notes.
• Alto clef — If you play with violence, or play with the violin, you'll understand.
• That old F clef — God damnit, it's the French, and the French only...
• Glissando — You ever had that one kid who put his hand on the keyboard and moved it from the lowest note to the highest note? That's a glissando, although that was a pretty shit glissando.
• Measure — Take the top number on a time signature, and that's how many beats are in a measure.
• Tempo — How fast it is.
• Pitch — Determines if the sound is ear-piercing.
• Common time — A lot of songs use this time signature, which makes sense.
• Cut time — Nobody knows what the fuck this does.
• Any key signature — Determines what song's are happy, and which ones are sad.
• 4/4 — Like common time... and that's it.

Speaking of 4/4, class, can you count to 4? I know you can! You're grade one-ers, you sur—JEREMIAH! Put your hand down! The only thing you've been doing is eating sheet music this entire class! I'd be shocked if you even know what the police is!

...ugh, children these days.

See also

• Music
• Music theory