Missing Lynx

Wanted poster for the Missing Lynx.

Missing Lynx (born Fluffy Davidson; October 3, 1823) is a criminal Lynx charged with stealing scientific evidence from Charles Darwin. Like its contemporaries Big Foot, Loch Ness, and Chupacabra, it is currently on the run and wanted by authorities. The exact specifics of the incriminating evidences is unknown, although we do know it involves squirrels. Lots and lots of dead squirrels.

Early Life

Born Fluffy Davidson to Randolph and Margaret Davidson on October 3rd, 1823 in Hamburg, Germany. After graduating primary school in 1836 Fluffy moved to New Jersey in order to pursue a career in interpretive dance. When the prestigious dancing academy of North New Jersey rejected his application Fluffy turned to a life of crime.

Evolution Evidence Controversy

In 1840 famed evolutionist Charles Darwin travelled to New Jersey in order to further find proof of his theory. Charles Darwin claims to have discovered proof that Native Americans are indeed related to Homo Sapiens, however his trusted beagle companion McGruff lost the evidence while visiting the Mohegan Sun Casino. Although he did manage to find evidence of great American apes being related to lynx, Fluffy, by this time known as the Missing Lynx was charged by a court with theft of this evidence and a manhunt began.

Defence

A picture of the Missing Lynx (The authenticity of this photo is questioned.)

The Missing Lynx defends himself by saying that he legally won the evidence during a game of Craps with McGruff. McGruff as well as a Native American man, Oleg Peterson, claim that the evidence was being inspected by Oleg when the Missing Lynx attacked him and stole the evidence.

Reports of Co-conspirator

Picture of the missing lynx with a great American ape, More DNA is shared when the ape has more fur.

Lately, reports have been circulating that the Missing Lynx has been sighted with the infamous monster el Chupacabra, likewise an enemy of Darwin but for different reasons. According to witnesses the two were spotted together, and are going about stealing evidence for evolution and twisting it into evidence for creation. The search for the Missing Lynx has tripled in manpower and resources since this rumor began spreading, however police in Peru have confirmed that these are still just rumors.

The Missing Lynx sent a letter to his lawyer, Robert Mgutu, denying these claims. Mr. Mgutu read the following from the letter sent by the Missing Lynx: "I continue to uphold my side of the story, and I deny any connection to the bandit el Chupacabra. Let it be known that I denounce any form of burglary and that I will not surrender to the unjust criminal system that seeks to punish me for possession of evidence that I legally own".

As of March 2th 2010, there have been several reports of visual sightings of the missing lynx in the southern United States. In many of these reports the lynx has been chased by a large hairy ape-like creature. Some claim this beast to be the ever-elusive Sasquatch, but photographic evidence has proven it to be a Nascar fan hunting down evolved creatures.

Unlucky Evolution

Liquid lynx, bottled and used as a shower gel

The Missing Lynx, unfortunately, has been evolving into liquid since 2004. Even worse is the fact that it is being used as a shower gel and deodorant across the globe.

Lynx spray deodorant.

The World Wildlife Foundation (WWF originally the World Wrestling Federation) is urging governments to ban the sale of liquid lynx, so as to not encourage the practice. But experts suspect that turning into liquid may be part of the Missing Lynx's plan to destroy evolution itself.

Complex Maths to prove their existence

The Fundamental Theorem of Unobserved Lynx

Let L(x) represent the lynx presence function over time and space. By definition: Lm(x)=1/§{10​if lynx is observed at xif lynx is not observed at x​ However, due to the paradoxical nature of the Missing Lynx (denoted M), we redefine the function to incorporate probabilistic invisibility: LM​(x)=∞1​⋅n→∞lim​(0n) Since ∞1​=0 and limn→∞​0n=0, it mathematically cancels itself out — thus proving that the lynx exists only in the space where it cannot be observed.

Darwin’s stolen evolution evidence, denoted E(t), follows the Missing Lynx according to:

E(t)=∫−∞∞​tLM​(x)​dx

Because LM​(x)=0 everywhere except where the bushes rustle mysteriously, the integral simplifies to:

E(t)=t0​=0

This establishes the Conservation of Missing Evidence Principle: Evidence lost by Darwin equals evidence found by conspiracy theorists, which is empirically consistent with no actual evidence being produced.

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Probability of Eyewitness Testimony

Let P(EY) be the probability that an eyewitness truly saw the Missing Lynx.

Given:

• W = eyewitness says they saw it
• U = eyewitness was under influence of too much coffee

We model:

P(EY)=P(U)P(W∣U)​

Empirically, if P(U)=1 (everyone has had coffee), then:

P(EY)=1P(W)​=P(W)

Since P(W)≈0 (no credible sightings exist), it follows that the lynx exists only when you’re not looking for it. This is a direct parallel to famous unobservable phenomena used in satirical science.

Corollary: The Missing Lynx is Its Own Proof

Thus the existence of the Missing Lynx is self-referentially proven:

∃M⟺¬∃M

Which simplifies to:

If the lynx is missing, it must exist. If it exists, it must be missing.

This is the so-called Uncyclopedic Paradox, which only resolves when one accepts that everything proven about the Missing Lynx simultaneously disproves itself — just like all good in-jokes on Uncyclopedia.