McMafia

“You mess with the clown, you get fucking shot! Asshole!!!!!!!!!!”

~ a famous quote by Don McDonald himself.

You do not want to betray Ronald McDonald and his McMafia

The McMafia is a notorious subdivision of the American pharmaceutical company Purdue Pharma that specializes in lacing fast food with drugs and palm oil. It is an incredibly powerful gang with over a billion members and stolen military equipment and it is ready at all times to kill and deep-fry the bodies of all those who betray the McMafia (in palm oil). The gang is led by by the famous clown-cum-crimelord Ronald McDonald.

The origins of the McMafia

Not much is out there that documents the gang's history, but some say that the McMafia was created one day in 1920 when Ronald McDonald thought that hamburgers could sell well when laced with potentially fatal opioids. He invested money in hamburger buns and beef patties and tons of fentanyl and then created both the McDonald's and McMafia as technically two separate companies to make the accounting and tax-paying processes a bit more complicated for his annoying piece-of-shit accountant Fred. Then Ronald teamed up with a bunch of bad guys from poor South-Eastern countries in order to cultivate and produce palm oil from palm trees for his burgers just because his scheme wasn't yet evil enough, causing a shit-ton of societal problems and environment-damaging deforestation in those countries.

The supposed location of the McMafia.

The gang's members

• Ronald McDonald: the leader of the McMafia. He is richer than Bill Gates and owns every McDonald's in the world. Ronald is so rich and powerful and genius that he even invented the cure to cancer but he actually never revealed it and instead put it in a Big Mac and locked in a safe made of pure gold and then he swallowed it whole to show everyone who's the boss. And he is the boss. Ronald is on the FBI's most wanted list but nobody wants to mess with him and his activities because his burgers are pretty good.
• Grimace: Ronald's fat purple gluttonous four-armed henchman, a true menace to society. He was once a regular customer of McDonald's but he ended up liking their food so much that it empowered him with a positive outlook towards life and a passion towards serving similarly happy customers, and so he enlisted as an employee for the company in order to make the world a better place for everyone.
• The Early Bird: The only female gang member in the McMafia, she may be sweet but trust me she is a fatal fiend, she can kill using her surgically implanted talons and cybernetic beak lasers, and she loves pancakes with syrup and McMuffins.
• The Hamburglar: a robber of hamburgers who can be constantly seen scavenging the garbage bins of your local McDonald's. He constantly steals the moldy thrown away hamburger buns of McDonald’s restaurants, but the McMafia forgives him because society as a whole consumes too much of nature's resources and dumpster diving is practically just environment-friendly recycling and it is good PR for the company.

Fun facts that are TOTALLY family friendly

• Ronald McDonald is tied as the second worst person on Earth along with Hitler and Joe Biden, only losing to Colonel Sanders.
• The McMafia uses illegal Chinese slave labor to create the cheap toys that are sold along their Happy Meals but then again the McMafia doesn't lace the toys with drugs because the McMafia has morals.
• Palm oil cultivation is the leading reason for deforestation and destruction of biodiversity in third world countries, and more often than not operates on ruthless exploitation of local workforce by greedy western corporations. McDonald's as a company publicly acknowledges this, and so has funded the foundation of several sketchy environmental shadow companies that forge out official-looking stamps and falsified documents about the company utilizing "sustainable" and "ecological" means of palm oil cultivation. How do you put a positive spin on your damaging entire ecosystems just for the cause of saving money on a cheaper vegetable oil? By applying clown make-up on your face and putting on a funny wig, of course.
• The hamburglar is friends with Herbert the Pervert.