Loner

“Oh so Lonely”

~ Oscar Wilde on Loners

“I'm Mr. Boner, I have no body, to call my own.”

~ Anonymous headless man on himself

Loner
Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Mammalia
Order	Primates
Family	Hominidae
Genus	Homo
Species	Lonus
Binomial Name	00011010
Primary Armament	Lonely
Secondary Armament	Lonely
Power Plant	Too dumb
HP:	999
Mana Points:	2
Strength:	65
Intelligence:	4
Weight	From 143-309 pounds
Length	Avg. 4' 10"
Special Attack	Hiding
Conservation Status	Rodents, too many of them

Important Note: This was written by someone who thinks their recently risen popularity in high school puts them above all "loners." They have written this because their cool friends made fun of a loner at school today, so now there self-esteem is efficient enough that they don't cry themselves to sleep every night after daddy and mommy fuck, and then daddy beats them.

A loner is a breed of Homo, that originally branched off the Homo tree when they became ripe enough. Unlike our species the sapiens, the lonus species are a very solitary bunch. It was believed that lonus actually had been a part of the sapeins but not enough evidence has been dug up.

Terminology

We also refer the Homo lonus basically as a "Loner".

Origin of species

The Loner was believed to have broken off the branch of Humans sometime around the 1900's. It was after the discovery of ground up green leaves wrapped in paper was discovered that this separation of Humans and Loners. Other inventions like the syringe and the pill are also to blame.

Biology

A lot like a human, their anatomy is almost exactly the same as the Human.

Diet

the diet of a loner is basically kfc (kuntukkkky fried crap) and big tubs of ice cream. they say that ice cream makes everything better, but it only makes them fat and even more of a loner. the only reason they eat it is because they pour pure alcohol on it to make them think they have friends (poor lonely saps). their perferred flavour is tripple chocolate fudge cake. kfc has been proved to give people weird visions of being accepted by other people. this is because the mushrooms in the fries (yep, its true!) are in fact SHROOMS. loners rarely eat fruit, so i guess you know why they stay inside all day. On a different note, the typical loner has been known to binge heavily on cotton candy, sometimes eating so much it results in a cotton candy coma (CCC) that can last for weeks.

Theorys of their diet

• One theory written by Donald Trump, is that Loner's live off a diet of non-organic compounds (such as plastic, glass, and carpet). He says it is because of their unique digestive tract that allows them to digest anything.
• One anonymous person asked quoted "I think those loners run out into daylight and steal other neighbor's garbage, or they ask for food to be brunged to 'em. I actually saw it happen next to my house". We thanked the talker for his input.

Lifestyle

Loners are not usually associated with normal people because of their lifestyle. A Loner may be found in his house with all the blinds shut. He will either be watching TV and eating, or playing RunEscape, World of Warcraft, or Everquest. Although most Loners are not known in real life, someone of them are fairly active on MMORPG's. Noone knows why, some say that Loners are more comfortable talking to a 3D pixelated night elf than a flesh and blood human.

Habitat

A Loner's habitat. DON'T ever look inside

Most Loners can be found either under a rock or locked in a house/trailer/mansion. Their habitat is their godsend and this is where they eat, sleep, and write chain emails to random people. Loners also like a dark habitat, you will usually expect to see a Loner's house blinded so you can't see from outside. Their habitat usually consists of a kitchen, TV/computer room, bathroom and bedroom. Strangely similar to a human's house. Although some debate that some Loner's only have only one room, they consider redneck Loners only have a one-roomed house.

Society

You're kidding right??? Expect to find Loners in chatrooms, MySpace, Uncyclopedia, RunEscape, or World of Warcraft.

Rarity of a Loner in Society

Just to give you an idea of how rare a Loner is in society

Rarity
Whoa now that's rare
Loner in Society	0.00000002%
Hitting the Lottery	0.0000001%
Michael Jackson going straight	0.0000009%
Oscar Wilde stops making quotes	0.076018%
You dying right now	0.001%
Tom Cruise	0.89%
Usher turns white	1.02%
Someone writing a stupid article	89.9%

As you can see you're more likely to die and hit the lottery at the same time than to see a Loner.

Wait how do I know if I'm a Loner or not?

Well if you're reading this article you may just be a Loner, UNLESS you show this article to a friend. If you want a really lonely article visit this article

Sexuality

File footage of a believed to be Loner, would scare you too

The world may never know. But some scientists claim that a loners usually always remain a virgin (much like the common Uncyclopedian). Instead, Loners get a good diet of porn from PlayBoy, PlayGirl, or both...

Occupation

If you're wondering how Loners get money, theres a simple explanation. W-E-L-F-A-R-E. They receive their checks monthly, which can pay for the state-of-the-art, aluminum coil (also known as a trailer). Oh yeah Loners don't pay income tax.

Another popular oocupation for the Loner species is the collection of drink containers which may be brought back to the local grocer for a profit of 5 cents per can. The collections of these containers come from garbage cans, concert grounds, and anywhere else imaginable, the need to move around following crowds to get these cans are the reason why many Loners are skinny.

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