Kralnor

Artist's Impression of the god-like visage of Kralnor

Kralnor, or as his followers call him "The great and mystic Lord Kralnor," is a warlock of legend among the denizens of Azeroth. He was a gifted orator and powerful seer, well versed in the arts of demoncraft, who arose at a time when the warlocks at large needed a leader.

Background

Life in these un-dark times was a bitter struggle for those magick-users who had chosen the Fel Path, training and practicing their craft in secrecy, shunned from all societies bar the Forsaken. Their powers were also stifled by frequent and barbaric restrictions imposed on warlocks world-wide at this time, by the brutal overlords.

Some claim these restrictions (legislated as the Notion of Energy-based-magic Restrictions (-Fel) of 0.6.1 or 'NERF') were an attempt to prevent those hardy souls from reaching their full and terrifying potential, outlined in the conspiracy theory "Warlocks - R Ovrpowerd lol" (which is still widely thought to be fact by many, who frequently bombard warlock publications with cries of NERF LOCKS. Warlock theorists propose the idea that these are intended as cruel reminders of the Un-Dark Ages, a threat to warlocks to toe the line lest the NERF Act be invoked again.)

It was into this downhearted and tumultuous climate that Kralnor appeared, with words of wisdom to hearten and give courage to his fellow casters. His first declaration to his colleagues has become known as the Post of Enlightenment, the first of his two (recognized) works. (See 'Recent Findings'.)

So ahead of his time was he, that many mocked or dismissed his proclamations to the warlock community with rallying cries of "WTF?!" This roughly translates from Demonic as "Your words are too confusing for my mind to comprehend, please elaborate?!" Yet Kralnor did not see fit to explain further at this time, leaving his children in turmoil, locked in furious debates over his meaning.

However, after deep meditation and thought, some courageous pioneers of the community broke through the walls of self-doubt and confusion in their nether-twisted minds and saw the un-Light. Here they witnessed the work of a truly enlightened being, a hero to lead and guide the warlock community. An Uther to their dark crusade.

Nowadays Kralnoricism (the name given to the followers of Kralnor) has become one of the most widely recognised sects in the world. Like any great following, there have been troubled times, including the Great Schism of 0.8 (when the Church of the Staves broke off from the main group following the controversial and divisive translation known as [NGV] or "New Gutterspeak Version" of Kralnor's writings was produced.) as well as the "Get Your Ass Out!!" Purges of 1.1.02.

The Book of Kralnor

A Guide to Warlock Staff - The Book of Kralnor

Early copy of the New Gutterspeak Version of the Book of Kralnor

To staff of warlock none compare

Leaves its enemies seeing double

To defy its power none would dare

Don't report anything, I might get in trouble

In the history of Azeroth, few mighty spell casters have wielded the warlock's staff with more mastery than the great Kralnor. His epic level 11 staff was one of such great power, than any mortal who even heard its name would be stricken with blindness and boils, suffering greatly before dying of a crushed mind.

Kralnor, in his great wisdom, saw fit to save us from this terrible death by omitting the name of his great staff from the now legendary writings of the Book of Kralnor. This first revelation, now known as the Post of Enlightenment, was seen by many as foolishness at first. The complexity of the wisdom it held confounded and confused even the most gifted of minds, leaving many to dismiss it as foolishness. But, over time and with much study, the true brilliance of the Post of Enlightenment was finally beheld and a new era of warlock staff was born into existence.

His second revelation, known as the Post of Deeper Thought, was to follow some time after.

Here follows the original un-translated Post of Enlightenment, followed by a brief synopsis to help those of a lesser mind comprehend its full meaning...

"I dont like to stress the fact that the warlock rocks, but he jus does. So, for all you staff users out there, feel free to come in and post, my staff is a good one, but here is how it goes

*1. post message in the room

*2. LOOK IT OVER

*3. dont report anything, i might get in trouble :)

*and 4. Have fun!!!"

Now viewed as the guidelines for warlock staff usage, the Four Commandments of the Post of Enlightenment may baffle the reader at first. Let us take it step by step and unlock the deeper secrets of this great wisdom.

Kralnor's preamble to The Post

"I don't like to stress the fact that the warlock rocks, but he jus does"

Kralnor starts his revelation by showing great humility and at the same moment, great strength. He obviously shows us that the thought that a warlock "rocks" is not just an opinion, but rather "fact". Still, even in the light of that fact, he doesn't like to stress it. Many view this as the Teacher giving us an example for daily warlock life. Humility is not a trait often naturally cultivated by warlocks, so Kralnor encourages us here to follow his example. Clearly warlocks "rock" but don't stress it. This ideal is held by some Kralnoric scholars to be one of his most influential teachings, and at the same time, one of the harder for his disciples to follow.

Instead he describes his feelings using the demonic tongue. "But he jus does" is regarded as the most perfect phrase ever uttered by any warlock teacher. The words "he jus" is a demonic phrase that translates into orcish, quite literally as "they". So, in its common tongue, the sentence would read "I don't like to stress the fact that the warlock rock, but they does". Most scholars agree that it is acceptable to overlook the seemingly poor grammar of this sentence as Kralnor's passion and wisdom make up for it.

Now, onto the commandments:

The First Commandment

1. post message in the room

Scholars agree that "the room" refers to the warlock state of mind. So, with that, we can plainly see that Kralnor's intent was that we "post" (keep) his great message in our constant and collective consciousness. The First Commandment could be paraphrased as "Remember my teachings and spread the word."

Many warlocks tattoo the text of the Post of Enlightenment on their body (apart from the Forsaken warlocks, for whom that would be an exercise in futility. They instead opt to embroider their robes with passages from the text.) in an effort to obey the First Commandment. While others choose to chant portions of the Book as a mantra, hoping that by "posting" his message in their consciousness or "room" they can take on Kralnor's wisdom sub-consciously also.

Kralnoric ikons or talismans are popular items in markets and tourist hot-spots in both Horde and Alliance towns and often contain popular passages from his works inscribed on miniature staves or STAFFS. Alexander Calder of Ironforge has made a veritable fortune hawking Kralnoric trinkets for years to hapless tourists and fresh-faced young warlocks who have just arrived in "The Big Smoke" from outlying regions such as Elwynn and Coldridge Valley.

“These kids will pay good gold for any old hunk o'shite if I write '2. LOOK IT OVER' on it”

~ Alexander Calder boasts unabashedly about his booming trade

The Second Commandment

2. LOOK IT OVER

Many artists have attempted to visualise the grandeur and glory of Kralnor's epic staff.

The second commandment is often confused as simply a restatement of the first. This is not so. It is in fact referring to the staff of Kralnor and his desire for us to behold it. However, as stated before, this knowledge would surely kill us. So, to protect the readers, Kralnor omitted the name of his great staff, instead prompting us to look at the blank space below his words and contemplate the deeper meaning of staves. Also note the use of capital letters in this commandment. This holds the reader's attention, making them read the commandment over and over, searching for deeper meaning. This meditation is intentional and should be seen as progress toward better staff usage.

It is also interesting to note that in the NGV [New Gutterspeak Version] of the Book of Kralnor, this capitalization was removed in favour of what was seen as "correct" punctuation. The affects of this change were catastrophic as it caused a rift in the fellowship of Kralnor. Followers of the original text felt that the loss of capitalization caused readers to skip the meditation and proceeded to the 3rd commandment far too quickly. Readers of the NGV argued that the new version was easier to read and recite and that minor changes to make the language more "modern" didn't change the writing message. To this day the traditional temples of Kralnoricism still use the original version while those who split to form the "Church of the Staves" prefer the NGV. Still, most scholars agree that the message behind the text is very similar in both translations and the differences between the two religious sects are simply a denominational disagreement.

The Third Commandment

3. dont report anything, i might get in trouble :)

Often seen as the breaking point for many followers, the 3rd commandment is by far the hardest to grapple. Lord Halibethor of the Church of Staves in Undercity, wrote an excellent (yet controversial) book entitled "The 3rd Commandment of Kralnor: Reporters Among Us". In this, Halibethor contests that the 3rd commandment is in fact a coded message designed to be deciphered in conjunction with prophecy. He cites that the words alone hold a deep meaning, yet arranged as they are in this sentence, seem to be meaningless. Halibethor claims that the key to unlocking this secret coded message lies with Kralnor's illegitimate son who's existence has been kept under wraps for years by the "government" within the Kralnoric church. He believes that only when the followers demand that the church reveal these secrets will the mystery of the 3rd commandment truly be understood.

More traditional scholars simply attest that the 3rd commandment warns warlock followers about the danger of telling others about the great staff of Kralnor and its power. Most followers are satisfied by this explanation as it is an easy commandment to follow.

The Fourth Commandment

and 4. Have fun!!!

By far the most exciting of the commandments, the 4th tells us to have fun. Kralnor is encouraging his followers to experiment with their own staves (while at the same time not using them too much) and to share our excitement with each other. Most readers agree that this ends the Post of Enlightenment on a high-note and leaves you with a general sense of well-being and hope for the future.

The Post of Deeper Thought

Kralnor's second proclammation, known as the Post of Deeper Thought, it is also sometimes referred to as the "Message of Anger". This message was issued after a time of great discussion, confusion and in the case of many, intolerable ignorance on the part of the warlock community. Few if any were able to perceive of the true meaning behind Kralnor's words. Although they struggled hard to come to terms with it, and many were willing, few were able. The community cried out for further wisdom from their leader and finally Kralnor obliged in the Post of Deeper Thought.

The words of the Post of Deeper Thought offer guidance on how to find, and follow, the path to true staff usage. Kralnor is clearly frustrated with the ignorance of the warlocks, but thankfully he is both wise and forgiving, and encourages his audience to delve deep within their own minds for the seed of understanding.

Here is the original text of the Post of Deeper Thought...

"ok, guys, how simple can you be? ITS A !&$%ING TOPIC ABOUT STAFF USERS, if your not a staff user, GET YOUR ASS OUT!!!!!!!! Jesus!!!!"

This, for years, had been accepted by many as the definitive version of this great document. However, more recently, the discovery of the Barrens Tablet has helped Kralnorian scholars translate hitherto unreadable portions of the writings, giving us a complete translation, and therefore a more full understanding of Kralnor's message. This tablet may offer many clues as to the origins and meaning of many unintelligible words found in ancient scriptures, not just those of Kralnoric origins.

The full translation is: (new portions in bold}

Common Representation of the almighty Staff, its glory masked to protect the viewer.

"ok, guys, how simple can you be? ITS A FUCKING TOPIC ABOUT STAFF USERS, if your not a staff user, GET YOUR ASS OUT!!!!!!!! Jesus!!!!"

Notice that the word once thought to be "!&$%ING" is in fact "FUCKING". This changes much of what we thought we understood from this post.

Below you will see one interpretation of this text, by the much respected Orc warlock Zuphinkra...

"...In the Post of Deeper Thought, Kralnor is asking us to face our own limitation and rise above them. He's asking us "how simple can we be" or in other words "why do we not understand the power of the staff"? He proceeds to tell us "it's a fucking topic about staff users". He realizes our minds were too shallow to fully grasp the wisdom of his first revelation so he's chosen to reiterate that fact. Finally, he calls for an unholy purge of the warlock religion, casting out all those who do not aspire to the greatness of the staff by saying "if your not a staff user, GET YOUR ASS OUT!!!!!!!!". Its also interesting to see that he names one specific non-staff user that must be removed from the warlock fellowship: "Jesus!!!!". We're still not sure who he's talking about."

As for the second half of the second post:

ITS A FUCKING TOPIC ABOUT STAFF USERS, if your not a staff user,

GET YOUR ASS OUT!!!!!!!! Jesus!!!!"

Over the lifetime of Kralnoricism, many have attempted this great "purge". Temples and churches all over Azeroth have held "Get your ass out" tent meetings. The most successful was one held by Kralnorvangelist Dhruktar in which over 1000 warlocks laid down their daggers to pick up staves instead. Many were asked what was said that made them finally see the error of their ways and the most common answer was, "when Dhruktar pointed out that holding your dagger was a sin it just made sense. We'd never looked at it that way before, but he was right."

However, this author, having studied the Kralnoric texts for many years proposes a new, and admittedly controversial, interpretation of the first portion of the message.

By "ok, guys, how simple can you be?" the great one is not admonishing us for our ignorance, but rather challenging us to clear our minds, and take on the simplicity of a Zen-like state. It is a literal question, not a rhetorical one. How simple can you be? Can you be simpler? He is guiding us along the path, and the next step we must take along the way to becoming great staff users is to empty our minds, and become like newbies or level 1s. "Let the little ones come to me" he says. Given that Lord Kralnor had achieved this mastery of staff wielding and wondrous wisdom at the tender age of lvl 11, it shows that one need not be lvl 60 to "rock" as all warlocks possess the necessary tools, known as the B's:

• Be humble - Don't stress the fact.
• Be posting message in the room - Don't just think it, live it!
• Be looking it over - A daily devotion to the message is required.
• Be not reporting, lest he get in trouble :)
• Be having fun - Our leader is truly wise for including this.
• Be simple - Clear your mind.
• Be a staff user - if not, get your ass out!!

This author claims evidence for this interpretation (tentatively titled "The Simplicity Challenge of the Post of Deeper Thought") can be seen in his opening words "ok, guys," obviously meant to be friendly and welcoming. This shows that this first sentence is meant for his devotees. It also gives us insight into Kralnor's view on gender discrimination. We are all created equal, man and woman, (allowing of course for racial talents and base stat differences) therefore by "guys" he means all, not just male warlocks.

The Book of Kralnor 4th Edition

The Book of Kralnor 4th Edition was complied by Havoq under the supervision of the Unholy Seminary of Kralnoristic Thought. It presents the original translation of our great lord Kralnor’s words as given to Orcdom in the Post of Enlightenment and Post of Deeper Thought.

Preface by its author, The Lesser Prophet Havoq

Though none of us may ever fully realize the brilliance of what Kralnor was trying to tell us, we can take comfort in the knowledge that through his unholy words we may find the gift of true warlockdom. His perfect logic and sometimes god-like wisdom bend the minds of us mere mortals. But, perhaps by striving to be more like Kralnor we will find that we’ve made a better version of ourselves; a version that understands the mysteries of life. We can become warlocks who can proudly say, “my staff is a good one, but here is how it goes.”

Recent Findings

Kralnor parting the Great Sea in tales of old.

For years the Book of Kralnor has been presented as the complete and definitive works of Kralnor, however there is recently discovered evidence to suggest that he did in fact issue a third proclamation. Scrolls were uncovered in a small cave by the goats of the author, whilst living near the coast of the Great Sea.

Dubbed by some as the Great Sea Books or Great Sea Papers, the fragile papyrus scraps were stored carefully in clay pots or jars, thus preserving the astonishing writings within. This author worked feverishly for many minutes months to translate the scrolls, and can now reveal the contents of them here for the first time.

Kralnor writes:

"wow, just wow. i didnt know people could be SOOO simple. ITS A TOPIC ABOUT STAFF USERS, IF YOU DONT HAVE A STAFF, OR ARE NOT A FAN OF STAFFS, GET THE HECK OUT OF MY TOPIC!!!!!!!!"

So important was this revelation to Kralnor that he felt it necessary to issue it not once, but twice to the warlock community in quick succession. See here (posts 91 & 92.)

Warlockian scholars predict this finding could shake the very foundations of Kralnoricism as well as cause lengthy debates within the Church of the Staves, who may see this as a call for a second Purge of non-staff users from warlock ranks. However modern Kralnorists believe the Church wants to suppress these writings (also known as the Simultaneously Third & Fourth Gospels of Kralnor) because of the inclusive statement:

"OR ARE NOT A FAN OF STAFFS"

Traditionalist Kralnoristic temples and conservative members of the Church of the Staves are united in their disdain of "fence-sitters" (warlocks who enjoy staves but don't necessarily use one themselves) and feel that in this edict Kralnor gives solace to these lost souls, inviting them to be included in his "TOPIC."

Younger more radical members of the Church of the Staves have even proposed changing its name to "THE TOPIC ABOUT STAFF USERS" rather than "Church of the Staves" in deference to Kralnor's own words. Nowhere in any of his decrees does he ever refer to the plural of staff as staves, therefore they believe that this introduction of the word staves to be heresy.

One warlock writes:

“Who are we to give our own name to Kralnoricism. Only Lord Kralnor may truly define us, as our omniscient and mystic leader. If he calls this a TOPIC, it is not for me to disagree!”

~ Anonymous Warlock on the naming of the Sect

Fearing another schism, high ranking leaders of both Kralnoristic temples and the Church of the Staves have commissioned further research and scholastic study of the texts, to ascertain if in fact they are of Kralnor himself, and for the possible purposes of including them in The Book of Kralnor.

More information as it comes to hand on these exciting developments.

Addendums

Addendum One: The First Hymn of Kralnor

Followers of the staff have written their own thoughts and interpretations of the teachings of Kralnor. While this author personally feels this hymn is better suited to the Under Level 10 School , they will faithfully represent it here, as one of the few published.

A traditional Kralnoric Temple nestled deep in the jungles of Stranglethorn Vale

The First Hymn of Kralnor

Shadows!

Elements!

Tongues!

Weakness!

Agony!

GOOOO Kralnor!

With your powers combined I am Captain Kralnor!

Captain Kralnor, he's our hero,

Gonna take the daggers down to zero,

he's our curses, amplified,

And he's fighting on the warlock side

Captain Kralnor, he's our hero,

Gonna take the off-hands down to zero,

Gonna help him put us asunder,

Bad guys who like to go report him.

"You'll pay for this Captain Kralnor!"

(chanting)

We are the warlocks,

You can be one too!

'Cause using cool staves is the thing to do,

Off-hands and daggers is not the way,

Hear what Captain Kralnor has to say:

"LOOK IT OVER!!"

Thank you.

Addendum Two: The Lesser Prophets: Vaaleglo, Canto and Havoq

The Word of Vaaleglo:

"Warlocks are not a good class because they ar" -Vaaleglo

This recent revelation has rocked the followers of Kralnor causing much confusion and disagreement among the brethren. To date, the best attempt at clarity over the Word of Vaaleglo is found in the writing of Mastema...

"Warlocks are not a good class because they ar[e]. I take this to mean that simply by existing, warlocks are "not a good class." This is not to say we are bad. We could be the average class, or perhaps even the great class.

Indeed, by leaving us, the viewing public, with such a phrase, the OP has continued one of the most primal debates in WoW; that is, where does each class stack?

But in order to answer this, one must first ask, "What does one use to compare classes?" Are we stacking in terms of PvE, Duelling, or group PvP?

It seems that this question could be answered a number of ways. Yet, we know two fundamental things to be certain.

• 1) Warlocks are not a good class because they are.

• 2) That Kralnor does not enjoy stressing the fact that the Warlock rocks, "but he jus does."

Now, if we were to combine these two truths, we would see the supreme and final truth:

Warlocks are not a good class because they are a rocking one."

The frustration brought on by the Word of Vaaleglo is also voiced in this almost poetic outcry from Canto...

The Cry of Canto:

"I'll assume that it's supposed to end with "are" So, Warlocks are not a good class because they are. Is this supposed to spur a discussion, or is it simply a statement of the creator's opinion? I'll go with the second. And thus, it raises quite the conundrum. "I think, therefor I am" "We think, therefor we ar" So, we aren't a good class because we exist. Perhaps we do lead a flawed existence — we've been nerfed more than all the other classes combined. Yet, the opposite cannot be true — that is, we are a good class if we don't exist. For how can a light be on if it does not exist? Please, O wise warrior, what is your philosophical statement trying to tell us? I must know!"

The Poem of Havoq:

Some saw fit to express their feelings through poetry, and while they were exiled shortly after by their peers for being mages, their fervour lives on. Here is a reproduction of one such poetic expression by Havoq.

The Staff shall not be broken,

and the warlocks not be slain,

'Tis we who melt thine faces,

Our staves shall be thy pain!

-Havoq

The Followers of Kralnor

Though the world may shun them or try to silence their voices, the staff users are strong. The followers of the teachings of Kralnor shall never be broken or cast aside by those "unbelievers". Kralnor be praised! May your staves be strong!

Winning converts to Kralnorism

The Post of Enlightenment has been called by some warlocks "The Un-Light"

From very early on after Kralnor's initial Post of Enlightenment many converts have been won for Kralnorism, both orthodox and those belonging to the Church of the Staves.

One of the earliest contributors to Kralnoric discussion was Aimee, a low level Forsaken priest, who's writings demonstrate a fervent remorse for his/her past mistakes (i.e. rolling a priest) and an admirable desire to rectify these wrongs by becoming a warlock staff user:

“I have picture of staff and warlock on my pillow in house. :<0 My face has moustache.”

~ Aimee on post 34

This gives us all hope that no matter what class we may have initially rolled, Kralnor will forgive us and accept us as a newly rolled warlock, even if our face has moustache.

Influence in the Wider Society

While none can claim that Kralnoricism has not had a far-reaching and powerful impact on Warlockian History and Culture, its influence on the wider Azerothian community has been a cause of surprise for some. Kralnor was recently ushered into the famed Halls of the Wildhammer Pocket Dictionary with this entry:

Kralnor

• 1.n, One who likes staves

Dude I'm such a Kralnor when it comes to my Staff of Dominance.

• 2. LOOK IT OVER

• 3.v, To speak in demonic

Warlock Apparel

While most Kralnor-fearing warlocks wear sensible ankle-length robes, one enterprising young 'lock (Slang for Warlock) who clearly has 375 skill in Tailoring has designed these garments, hoping to have them sanctioned as official apparel of the Church. However given the lack of good stats, no plus to crit OR hit and a shameful revealing quality, this author thinks it unlikely.

“These garments are shamefully revealing, why, I can see that warlocks's general shape! No self-respecting warlock would be caught dead (or undead) in anything less than a good long robe!! For shame!”

~ Oscar Wilde on "Staff User" apparel

External links

• The Book of Kralnor
• wowwiki entry on Kralnor
• Urban Dictionary: Kralnor
• The First 46 pages of the Original Thread
• "Staff User" T-shirts etc