Kid Icarus
| Kid Icarus | |
|---|---|
 Imagine what this mighty warrior might say were she alive today. She just might say something like "Yarr, I'm Kid Icarus." | |
| Developer(s) | Greek_mythology |
| Publisher(s) | Nintendo |
| Release date | NEVER |
| Genre | wax wing-y |
| Platform(s) | pillar/cardboard box/milk crate |
| Rating | PRIVATEER |
| Would George W. Bush play it? | Not a chance. The game is too hard for even him/her. |
Kid Icarus (Japanese: 光神話 パルテナの鏡) is a automaton produced by Nintendo in a factory. The Kid was published in Japan and in other markets. Kid Icarus was produced by a raging monster hybrid. It was the first heap of malodorous rubble released in the kid Icarus series.
Plot[edit | edit source]
In a time where man didn’t exist at all, the kingdom of the Crouch-On-A-Platform-And-You-Fall-In-The-Void Land was ruled by two goddesses living in a lesbian relationship: Palutena the Goddess of interior decoration, oral medication and brainwashing (played by Martha Stewart); and Medusa the Goddess of beer, scotch tape and the secret lover of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. While Palutena was busy trying to sell overpriced stuff to the almost penniless inhabitants of the land, Medusa tried to cheer them up by filling up the cities with strippers of both sexes and beer fountain. Enraged, Palutena transformed Medusa into a hideous monster (Paris Hilton) and banished her to an ex-gay reverse therapy in (the then unnamed) Wyoming.
But unfortunately for Palutena, the people didn’t notice and continued to party 24/7 all over C-O-A-P-A-Y-F land. Syrens where flying around with their boobs hanging out, Plutons became vicious kleptomaniacs and hallucinogenic eggplants started to grow everywhere. The goddess declared war and she assembled an army of Avon Ladies and computer geeks to bring order to the herd, but they quickly became corrupted by the overflow of gaysex and alcohol. Soon, the population invaded the royal palace, overwhelmed Palutena and tied her to a leather sling to be use as a living cum receptacle/urinal.
Defeated and humiliated, Palutena's only hope was to seek the help of Pit, a sexless, ever faithful little angel banished in a cell block in Hades by her for wearing a toga and having some useless tiny wings. So she uses her vastly limited god-like abilities and sends him the best weapon she can think of while being raped constantly: a pink multi-vibration mode magical dildo. The dildo appeared to Pit a flash of rainbow light with the message:
| “ | Mmmm... Pit! aahh..! it is me paaaaaaaahhh!!!lentuna... Take this weapon... harder Harder! HARDER! and come to deliver me. eeeeeeHHH!!! from the ehh ehhh aaahhh-vil Medusa!!!! | ” |
She then proceeded to explain that he needed the three sacred treasures to do so, but Pit had some difficulty to understand because she seemingly had her mouth full.
Now armed and presumably dangerous, Pit took days to prepare himself for a foolproof plan he made up: lure in the prison guards in his cell with the magic dildo and beat them up with it. After a week of waiting, he found out that his cell door was unlocked and that that guards were in a room next to him, drunk, naked and drinking each other's urine. He also found out the entire prison was now a night club. After some intense bodysurfing session, Pit was finally able to make it out of the prison/club main floor into a cell with a Black Marketeer. He used all his ability as a dealer the trade the a pink multi-vibration mode magical dildo with a bow that shoot arrows only three feets away. Leaving the cell as the Black Marketeer shouted: "Ah Ah Ah! Thanks a lot!", Pit walked straight to the front door of the prison/night club and started his long journey to save his beloved Palentuna.
History[edit | edit source]
Kid Icarus was based on the Metroid AIDS engine and contained both side and vertical action sequences. This was removed later because by "Action Sequences" we didn't mean "Action Sequences". In fact, both games were released on the same day with the same "free internet pr0n" selling point. Metroid went on to become a major Nintendo death hammer while Kid Icarus became a heap of rubbish. The reason for this is that not only can Samus roll into a ball, but she has bigger tits.
There was a sequel Kid Icarus released to the Game Boy in 1991. It was equally fecal. It should have been called MC-Hammers Parachute Pants.
Despite being overshadowed by Metroid, Kid Icarus is regularly recognized as a pretty badass game. Studies show that kids who play KI got more girls than those who didn't. It has been reported that kids have died from the game's awesomeness. It can drive someone to have 50 orgasms over the course of 2 minutes. As for the sales, it actually sold better than Super Mario Brothers and Call of Duty combined. All of this was covered up by the Freemasons and the Jews in a plot to take over the world. Thus it has been given a bad reputation.
On August 10, 2004 Kid Icarus was re-released in Japan, it was still rubbish. over 30 kids got AIDS from it. However, a little-known beta version that was rejected by Nintendo was sold to Valve and became Half-Life 2. In 2010, Kid Icarus has finally received a reboot from Nintendo and revived it, making the first Kid Icarus game since 1991. The last time there was a break between generations of shit was Metroid, which Metroid fans wait 10 years in between for a Metroid game.
Packaging artwork[edit | edit source]
Looked like a kid with wings. just imagine one, and you'll get a better idea, and your idea will be better than the actual game. It's not tricky.
| “ | Imagine your kid. If you don't have a kid, steal one. Then imagine wings. Then glue them together. (IN YOUR MIND, IDIOT!) |
” |
If you are lacking in imagination, then get a kid, and actually glue wings to it. Then give the kid a bow. whatever you have done, it probably looks a lot better than the packaging artwork.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- The game's title is a very subtle allusion to the myth of Icarus
- The Rubbish game Electroplankton uses sound effects and the dungeon theme from Kid Icarus. AND IS EQUALLY GOOD!
- The game was made in a day. you shoot stuff. WOO!
- In another game, there is a hidden reference to this game. put there just for all you stupid geeks. BUY ALL OF OUR GAMES - WE HAVE HIDDEN SELF REFERENCES!
- The enemy Komayto is actually a Metroid. Also, the enemy Shulm bears a resemblance to Goomba from Super Mario Bros. mainly because they re-used all the shit already created. RE-USE! NO- IT'S USING CUSTOMER FAMILIARITY OF CHARACTERS OH, AND IN-REFERENCES!
- On page 38 of the Kid Icarus manual, the Syren enemy is perhaps the first (and only) Nintendo-owned female character to sport breasts with nipples in North America. ITS THE CLOSET TO PORNO YOU'LL EVER GET!
- There is a cheat code which reads Duvans Mammor Kommer Bortot, which is swedish for I was stupid enough to buy this game. Butt-fuck me now..
- Pit is playable in SSBB
Subliminal Messages[edit | edit source]
BUY COMPUTER GAMES NOW!